I’m back :(

[Card29]

Another journal: Why did I get in an R again and expect things to be different?

My first M was not great from the start. I was reluctant to date her, and things just never came all that easy for us as a couple. We didn't share a ton of common interests, she was clinically depressed a lot of the time. I was devastated our family was torn apart, but once I finally let go, I was able to see how I'd been forcing that R to work a lot of the time. We never should have been married.

W#2 was the opposite. There were fireworks, and they lasted for years. I thought we were so natural for each other. I especially loved how tight our senses of humor were. We laughed all of the time. We both loved riding bikes, playing in kickball leagues, watching the same movies and TV shows. We wanted to be with each other all of the time until she seemed to change into a different person about a year ago. It has been so painful to watch all of that vanish over the last year. I've wanted a forever wife/family ever since I was a kid. I thought I'd messed up the first time but had found a perfect match the second time. This is a going to be a long road for me no matter what the future is.

And I'm afraid I don't have the support system for it this time. Like I said, I don't have a lot of close friends right now. I've known so many great people that I've been close with, but they all moved hundreds/thousands of a miles away, and I always wanted to be connected to people that live around me, people I can spend time with on a regular basis. I lost touch with most of them and maybe text the other handful once every few months. And for my immediate family, my dad passed away 12 years ago, middle sister and I are not close (in fact she was hostile towards W early in our R, too, because she sided with my mom on everything). Younger sister is awesome but has 3 kids, 2 special needs, and lives 2 hours away. I will share some phone calls with her, but she isn't going to be a rock. And then there's my mom. Like I said, she was a pillar of support the first time. Not only is that not going to be the case this time, she helped blow up this M. And she lives 2 doors down. I'm sick about it.