Looking at a bike today. Getting some good guidance from my friend. Continuing to face and feel my emotions and process grief. I think a bike could really fit well with this process.
Been having limited intermittent interactions with W and they have been difficult for me. When I have had breaks from her I have begun to do better. She is back from her trip and has told me that she is stressed and bored on some occasions and happy healthy and rested on another. She took youngest S out a couple of times this weekend and that required some communication and coordination regarding his needs.
Some examples of the interactions I have found difficult:
W called me on Saturday because her (our) car was not driving properly and she pulled off to the side of the road. I didn’t answer her call at first and she texted saying she needed me to call her right away. She was distressed and said “Why won’t you answer your phone? I need help.” I replied calmly that I don’t always have my phone with me and asked what she needed. I drove over and assisted her with the car. She was on her way over to take S out.
Yesterday morning W reached out to discuss some things from her time with S from the day before. She brought up some things from my week of camping with S and how S had told her that it was hard. She said that I had given the impression that it was great (it was!). I asked for more specifics about what S had described as hard. She didn’t elaborate and went on to say I’m not telling her everything and that I project this glossy picture of my life. She also brought up a difficult time a few weeks ago that S told her about from when she was away on her trip. She asked why I didn’t tell her about that. I told her that we managed that difficult time well and I would be happy to talk more with her about it. She told me she didn’t want to.
She then went on to say that she was trying to plan another activity with S later that day (yesterday). I replied that the vehicle was ready for them (I had vacuumed and taken complete care of the vehicle in preparation). They went out later for an hour or so. I returned home and W criticized me on the state she had noticed my (our) other vehicle in (it needs a wash and vacuum post camping). Without becoming defensive, I replied that I’m taking care of it and I had to go since I had dinner in the oven.
I’m writing all this here as some of my process. I want to avoid analyzing interactions. But to acknowledge that it is strained and difficult and I am working on myself and how I show up. And I’m being honest with myself that interacting with her takes a toll on me.
She doesn’t respect you Rock. Until that happens you have zero shot at reconciliation. Stop catering to her and stop being her whipping boy. Until you do so you will continue to suffer immensely.
Yes it’s clear to me she doesn’t respect me. I have been establishing my self respect living what is important to me.
Are you though? You took quite a bit of disrespect in your previous post, and you readily admit that. It's been basically a year, these boundaries should have been set and established a long time ago. You don't seem to quite grasp that you can not nice your way back. I'm not going to tell you to work on it, I'm gonna tell you stop, yesterday.
Also, again, your children are adults. Why in the world do you need to be the middle man? You don't, period. You know why you didn't tell her about the "difficult" time S had while she was gone? Because you handled it and there's zero point in making it an issue now, which has been how much later?
You really cleaned and vacuumed the car for them in preparation...seriously? And how did that work out for ya? Ya got scolded like a little kid because of the other car being dirty. In the future you clean and vacuum your car for a date, absolutely not in this situation.
Lastly, AAA is a thing. Uber is a thing. LYFT is a thing, tow trucks are a thing. Come on now, this isn't your problem to fix. S wasn't with her yet, so not...your....problem.
She doesn't respect you at all, and it's painful to watch how little self respect you have as you sit there and take it.
Originally Posted by Rockon
Just found a great project bike. Setting up a time to look at it.
That's it? Nothing about the year, make, model?....
Maybe I'm seeing more to this than there is...but to me, this update explains why there's been a lack of them, and it's a decent backslide.
Last edited by JosephS; 08/21/2311:31 PM.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
I’m being honest with myself that interacting with her takes a toll on me.
Yep, it certainly does.
So what are you going to do? That’s do, not try. Do a 180, or try more of the same?
W needs to feel the loss before she might turn around. She goes silent for a while, starts to feel the loss, and then contacts you. Even if her reason is frivolous, she contacts you, and gets her fix.
Originally Posted by Rockon
W called me on Saturday because her (our) car was not driving properly and she pulled off to the side of the road. I didn’t answer her call at first and she texted saying she needed me to call her right away. She was distressed and said “Why won’t you answer your phone? I need help.” I replied calmly that I don’t always have my phone with me and asked what she needed. I drove over and assisted her with the car.
Some advice, or maybe even wisdom if you see it that way:
W is a grown woman, let her fail. Car troubles, so what. She can call a tow truck and look after things. It’s her idea to not be around you. So let her. Let her feel that.
That’s not mean or vindictive, it’s standing up for yourself. And it is displaying respect for W and her ability as an adult. Let her grapple with her responsibilities. She’s driving the car; you’re not even there.
If you were employing the 24-48 hour rule, this matter would have had to be handled by W. You would have simply gone about your day, doing whatever was interrupted.
Another strategy, only deal with texts and phone messages on Friday evening, or some other night once a week. You can tell her that too. I’d also add, a vague text of “call me right away” is no good. If there is truly an emergency state such. These crying wolf episodes are diluting my belief in your sincerity of stated need.
Do you recall my advice of not contacting or responding to her for her month long vacation? That was a golden opportunity for you, and likely for her too.
As for her telling you about son’s time camping and stuff. Pffft. Ignore her! W will twist and sow doubts in you.
Look, if son has a problem he needs to come to you. And you know the camping was great. Put W’s poisonous words at arm’s length. Actually, toss her words aside, and get back to focus on you.
Originally Posted by Rockon
She also brought up a difficult time a few weeks ago that S told her about from when she was away on her trip. She asked why I didn’t tell her about that. I told her that we managed that difficult time well and I would be happy to talk more with her about it. She told me she didn’t want to.
Sheesh. First she’s mad you didn’t inform her when she was away without you and family. Then she’s not pleased that you handled it. And when you offer to actually talk to her now, she doesn’t want to. So why is she bringing it up? Why Rock? Because she is using it against you. Trying to justify her feelings, decisions, and path.
Stop taking the bait. Go weekly with her. She has a weekly window of time (minutes, not hours) to discuss stuff with you. She best not waste that precious limited time on projections and frivolous garbage. Of course, that’s her choice. Once time elapses, you stop reading texts/emails, hang up. Then she’s got to wait seven more days.
Originally Posted by Rockon
I’m writing all this here as some of my process. I want to avoid analyzing interactions. But to acknowledge that it is strained and difficult and I am working on myself and how I show up.
I think a little less “showing up” for W would be beneficial. Be less available. Be doing something. And it’s ok for it to not be any of her business. In fact, I’d ensure to make it that way.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I walked away from your posts because it was too frustrating to see someone continually make weak decisions and find every excuse under the sun to justify ignoring advice here.
Then about 4-6 weeks ago I got sucked into re-engaging because I thought you were actually making some progress.
Fool on me.
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I replied …. and asked what she needed.
You need to reframe this to what actually happened:
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I positively reinforced to my mentally ill ex that I’ll continue to be her whipping boy and give her the green light to perpetually treat me like sh**.
You know what you have to do, you’re just never going to do it. Saving your marriage or at least healing from the inevitable divorce requires you to show some backbone.
DNJ would have to be the most compassionate and patient and empathetic person here, and even he’s begging you harden up.
