A little less lost? Pt 3

[Pattnee5]

I had a realisation today. For quite a few weeks now I have lost that feeling of “hanging” waiting for the phone to ping with a message from H. A connection of some sort. I would wait all day hoping for a message and when it came would read it hoping for something. Anything. An emoji a connection. Or hoping we crossed paths

I realised today as I busied myself with work that I no longer wait for that. I actually had multiple messages from him that I hadn’t even seen. When I finally read them it was his detailed account of what he planned to do all day and night. 🤷🏼‍♀️goodness knows why he bothers to give me a running commentary. Safe to say I didn’t even acknowledge it. I think this realisation today that I no longer have that longing feeling for the connection was really good for me. I don’t need to really know what he’s doing or his dinner plans 😂 he is a very VERY lonely man. He has nobody around, no friends no family around or in the same state. He has lived here for 20 years and made no real new friends or the ones he did he has lost all connection with since stating his “work from home” job
. I do feel really sorry for him now. How horrible it must be, but boy it feels good not to have that desire to reach out and message or wait for a response

I never believed you vets when you said it gets easier and you get to this point. I remember reading DR in April while recovering from surgery and those early posts just after that boy was I a mess. I thought I was GAL but I wasn’t, I thought I was detaching but I was clinging for dear life. I did so many wrongs and never thought I could get through.
It’s nice to come through the storm and see glimmers of clear skies. Although I still have many storms to get through still to come, I feel in such a better position to tackle anything. H has lost all capabilities of getting help I think. He is a very lost man buried in MLC.
I don’t think I ever would have done anything about his drinking pre BD. I just put up with it, tolerated it and even made excuses for it. I now see how much that wore me down and made me such a weak person. What an absolute eye opener.

I must say, going to the gym multiple times a week, walking the dog and getting the miles in her little paws has been my absolute saviour. I feel so good within myself ( I was always a very fit and active person but I’m finding ways to make myself better. ) but as a whole I feel I am finding myself that I had lost so long ago.
I do laugh that as I get better, happier, dressing up more on weekends, putting makeup on again, getting my hair done, smiling, socialising with lots of friends, H gets worse (heavier in the midsection from drinking, looks disheveled , vacant, slobby in sweats). Is it bad to actually be slightly happy to see this? Almost like revenge for all those hurtful words.

I can honestly now say that DB does work, but not necessarily to get H back ( because that story hasn’t been written yet) but it works to get yourself back together, to feel better and start to heal your own heart.