I’m back :(

[Pattnee5]

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I am so so SO sorry to hear this and what you are going through. I am only 8 months into my journey after H BD me so I am by no means in any position to offer amazing advice like the vets. What a horrible position to be in to feel like you need to choose between your mother and your wife.
I think the first thing is to determine if this is the sole problem. It could just be part of the issue and she has a lot more underlying issues. I am not sure if she’s going through any sort of MLC but I feel my H is and it seems they grip at any tangible reason even though there is underlying issues which are the real problems. Easier to shift blame than look within and work on yourself. I think it’s great you’re both going to counselling. Amazing she’s willing to talk and hasn’t completely shut down.

In regard to your mother and how to deal with this I have no advice but I can tell you a bit about my family. My dad has been with my mum since they were 14 years old. They are childhood sweethearts and so so in love. My dads family never wanted my mother. They made their life hell early on before us kids were born ( dad is in his mid 60s now). They never wanted my mum and always tried to poison my dad against them. Dad cut them out of his life when they were younger then as adults tried to reconcile but again they started their manipulative games including their siblings being involved. He finally cut them again about 15 years ago and won’t even let them back in to try and poison his relationship and marriage. He is very bitter at them for this and said he would always choose my mum and us kids any day over them.
I know this doesn’t really help you but I just wanted to highlight that I think this sort of thing happens alot. Families place expectations on their kids as to who they choose as spouses. My in-laws never liked me because I wasn’t within their perfect little box ( they are slightly racist too which I can’t stand considering I have European background). They never made me feel comfortable and it was a horrible feeling but H distanced himself too from them. It is only now in the midst of his MLC that they are getting vocal and likely manipulating his moves and he is being the dumb one to listen as he regresses.

It really is a sad time. I think you need to keep the communication open as much as possible with W and listen to her and validate her issues with your mother. It is a big thing. She may feel that your child together is never felt accepted by her too which can be a horrible feeling. Keep talking keep validating and keep being the lighthouse everyone talks about. I’m sorry I can’t help with solid advice but everyone is here to help as much as we can