Learning the ropes 2

[Sunflyer]

It certainly sounds like he’s been dumped, and the chickens are coming home to roost.

Right now, you are in the driver’s seat all the way.

Good going.

[Pattnee5]

How cool is it. MA is in the drivers seat and H is lying in his mess. I’m so happy for you MA you deserve the world

[Kind18]

This, right here, is a huge DB success story.

Reconciliation - no.

But a LBS who is control of their emotions and making good, healthy life decisions - and a sense of self worth and value - absolutely yes!

You’re an inspiration to the board MA.

Maybe in 5 years you’ll end up reconciling, who knows? But all I know is the healthiest thing for you right now is to put yourself first, and you’ve done that remarkably well.

And my personal thanks to you MA - you’ve absolutely made my day! Also vindicates the vets who hang around here and offer their time and effort to see it making a difference when people really heed the advice and knuckle down with their DBing.

[MA1970]

Thank you everyone, its getting easier but still work in progress. I've taken a while to answer just because I'm really busy at the minute. Doing lots of GAL & loving my life. I have so many people compliment me on how I'm looking appearance wise but also that I look so much happier.

DnJ, your post made me think & have a bit of reflection time

Are you are truly done, or more indifferent? Personally, I find there is always some wee hope flickering away. It’s up to one if they choose to fan the flames or pat them out.

Remember, hope is timeless. It is not an expectation. It may even never come to pass. Yet it can persist.

You know I'm a big fan of the time theory & this has been one of my mantras the whole way through. I am of the opinion never say never & I'm also a big believer in fate. Time has allowed me to reflect on my marriage & it hasn't been right for a very long time. There has been a lot of resentment on both our parts. I tried to discuss this, H went for the avoidance by drinking strategy. Ultimately, this has led to years where, in hindsight, I think I've been gaslighted into staying at home, not going out & feeling pretty worthless as a person. My GAL activity has challenged these thoughts & I feel like me again. I feel lighter, happy & independent. Maybe we would get back together but H has so much work to do on himself & I see no signs of any of this at the minute. He's just trying to rush back to anyone who can provide stability for him. I no longer want to be that person. I want an equal partner, not someone who I need to look after. So in answer to your question, it's not an absolute no but it is a no for the present time & we'll see what life brings.

Pattnee, Sun & Rock - thank you for your kind words. This forum is and has been completely inspirational. The advise is spot on with the right mix of challenging & supportive. It feels great to get a positive acknowledgement from you all. Thank you!

Kind18 -

And my personal thanks to you MA - you’ve absolutely made my day! Also vindicates the vets who hang around here and offer their time and effort to see kit making a difference when people really heed the advice and knuckle down with their DBing.

You and DnJ have been so incredibly supportive throughout this journey. You've felt like a bit of a tag team for me & I would log on desperate to hear your thoughts and advice. You will never know what a differen e you have made to this girls life & I cannot thank you enough. I'm sure it's not over and certainly H is currently going all guns blazing trying to creep back into our lives so it feels I'll be seeking more advice in the future. For now though, I'm happy, content and enjoying life, which is largely down to following the advice on here.

[Pattnee5]

Completely agree here MA, how good are DnJ and Kind and all the other vets and their advice. Really almost holding our hands through this. I would safely say you are an inspiration too, I often read your posts too and try to inspire myself to follow suit as you are a few steps in front of me and of similar timeframe.
It’s amazing how once you learn to detach a bit you can really see the relationship in a better light and find all the things we kind of “put up with” that really affected who we were as a person too. They really can drag us down without us realising. I too was like you and felt I would just put up with the behaviour which now in hindsight I didn’t like and deserved a lot better from a partner.

So proud of you for realising H needs so much work in order to be worthy of your love again

[Sunflyer]

It’s amazing how once you learn to detach a bit you can really see the relationship in a better light and find all the things we kind of “put up with” that really affected who we were as a person too. They really can drag us down without us realising. I too was like you and felt I would just put up with the behaviour which now in hindsight I didn’t like and deserved a lot better from a partner.

So proud of you for realising H needs so much work in order to be worthy of your love again

Another spot on post from Pattnee.

I don't have some of the problems the two of you have had, specifically the alcohol related issues. (Must be awful; I can't imagine being with someone who's gone down that road), but...

I am approaching the indifferent stage right now. Not giving up hope but at the same time, seeing more clearly how W also brought us to where we are. Essentially having two jobs, having fewer dinners at the table in the evenings, prioritizing other things over me and our life. Even our rare vacations alone were about doing as much as we could plan without taking private time just for US.

I let it continue because I didn't want to appear that I wasn't supportive of her ambitions.

I can theoretically stay at work later than I do, but I deliberately have tried to schedule things so that I am home at a decent hour, and once I am home, my work usually doesn't follow me.

I need a partner who's the same.

[Pattnee5]

Indifference is good. It really helps you with your own mental state Sun. Thinking back now at all the sleepless nights the knots in my stomach where I couldn’t eat, the stressing about every single word and detail it was horrible. I was letting H MLC destroy not just his life but mine too. Hope is timeless as DnJ keeps saying. We all have hope, it’s just what we hope for changes as we emerge from the fog.
I think what you are doing Sun is perfect. Work should end when you come home. Work shouldn’t come home with you, it shouldn’t interfere with your personal life. Unfortunately my H started to forget that and would work all the time and bring work stress home and then to drown the stress would drink. And as stress increased so did drinking, to a point where he may have had one or two nights a week without alcohol but even that was a struggle. It really is a horrible path to take. My H issues all stem back to the way he was raised in an environment where you suppress feelings and Emotions and bottle everything up and don’t talk openly. Arguments were always frowned upon ( I find arguments and heated discussions healthy). He was far better with his communicating in the past but enter MLC mode and he transforms into a version of his parents that I have never seen.

I think if MA has taught us anything it’s that as us LBS take back control of our lives, we start to grow and see what we deserve and what is best for our future. The fact that in our desperation we have scoured the Internet and stumbled onto this board with such wealth of support and knowledge is such a powerful thing. I remember early on when I jumped on here everyone kept saying it gets better and I will be ok. Back then I could hardly breathe and thought how in the world is that ever going to happen. Looking back now the last 8 months have been such phenomenal growth and personal transformation I know I will be ok. Like Ma is ok and absolutely flying high. We come out better. Our MLC or WAS don’t. My H (and from the sounds of it MA’s too) may not be ok for a very long time

[Kind18]

I need a partner who's the same.

Wrong!

❌❌❌

I’ve fixed this for you, try these:

I don’t NEED a partner.

No-one else is responsible for my happiness except me.

I deserve (but don’t need) an equal relationship, where someone loves and values me as much as I them.

I am the prize here.

✅✅✅

Your narrative controls your behaviour. Choose your words carefully.

In the same way that a wayward is incredibly unhealthy by needing the love and affection and thrill of their AP, a LBS is also unhealthy by needing their spouse and marriage to feel fulfilled.

[Kind18]

What’s the difference between MA and some of the others on this site who are STILL bumbling along and making crap choices 12 or 18 months on? I’ll tell you:

Self-respect, boundaries, dropping the rope, managing emotions and 100% commitment to DB techniques. That’s the difference.

You know how many times I’ve read MA make excuses when vets have challenged her - NONE!

What a breath of fresh air! You go girl 💪💪💪

[Sunflyer]

Wrong!

❌❌❌

I’ve fixed this for you, try these:

I don’t NEED a partner.

Don't need my spouse, a spouse, or any spouse to be fulfilled. Another marriage or not? Makes no difference to me. Never meant to imply that. Simply put: any future partner is going to have to make the time needed for both of us. That I won't negotiate.

No-one else is responsible for my happiness except me.

Of course.

I deserve (but don’t need) an equal relationship, where someone loves and values me as much as I them.

I do deserve it. It's going to be a long-term goal to achieve it, when I'm ready.

I am the prize here.

I sure am.