Midlife March Madness

[Sunflyer]

Was cleaning out a closet yesterday in preparation for my upcoming move. Stumbled across a card from W given to me on our 5th anniversary. This would have been just 15 months before BD.

- “I’m so happy to have you in my life…”
- “I want to spend all of my life with you.”
- “You are my best friend and I love you so so much.”
- “I wish us all the happiness in the world as we walk towards the future - always together.”

I know that her current view of our shared history is a strange reimagined fiction that does not comport with reality. But there is something particularly jarring about reading her own words from a not so distant past. The pain of the loss continues to diminish each week but the mystery of what actually transpired to provoke her sudden flight remains. I suspect it always will. I’m trying to accept that.

In other news, I’m moving cross country in 5 weeks. Slowly packing things up and doing all the logistical things that the process entails. It’s somewhat bittersweet but I am excited to open a new chapter.

I have gone through the same thing, so I know how you feel. Doing lots of cleaning out and sorting, I also discovered a lot of this old stuff. Cards I sent her from the early days of our relationship, old emails I sent, cards she sent me. Back in the "old days," she even printed out and stashed a lot of my early emails. I found a folder with those in a drawer.

I'm removing whatever she sent me, but leaving behind what is hers. Most likely, when she goes through the drawers, she'll find it and realize she had forgotten about it, and just toss it out. Maybe she'll look at it briefly and it will remind her of her "old self." Who knows.

The hard reality is that people are imperfect and sometimes inscrutable beings. We live a life where most of the time, we are oblivious to how much our comfortable existence actually rests on a knife edge. I am at the point where I also am looking forward with curiosity rather than fear. What you are doing is the right thing. The future is rife with possibility. We should all embrace it.

Best of all, it's clear that you still believe in those values that made her say those things to you back then. Hold on tight to them and don't build a wall around your heart. Those values make you a person of integrity, and that will serve you well.