I might try and gently or as neutral as possibly tell him again about not drinking in the house and taking it to his place to drink. …
out of respect for d14. She’s trying to set her own boundaries and has said she hates dad drinking and gaming. I need to speak up.
Screw neutral and gentle. You tried did that already. (Notice, you did that, not tried it. So don’t backslide to “try” once you’ve “did”. Now, obviously the outcome was not as successful as you were shooting for, that happens. It’s not in your direct control. So, go to what is under your control, you.) My opinion is it’s now enforcement of stated boundary. Speak up and let the chips fall as they will.
When something is affecting the kids too, you best get in front of it. Showing D14 you respect her and illustrating how one controls what they can in disrespectful situations is what you are actually “doing” here, not “try” to modify H. His alterations of character, or lack thereof, are on him, are his responsible. You’ve told H, given him opportunity, now is the enforcement stage.
Cancel the internet. Or change the password. If only H knows the admin password on the router, buy a new one. Etc.
Pour the booze down the drain. If H brings a bottle, pour it down the drain. If he hangs on to his bottle and just drinks from it, so no one can touch it, don’t fight him for it. His behaviour would certainly demonstrate just how bad things are for him, and I’m suspecting even he would see that.
You and daughter can leave the house if Dad shows up like that. He’ll likely get the message I would think.
A long time ago, when my second son was an infant, W and I ended up in the emergency room getting treatment for (then) S1 because he was having trouble breathing. Time and time this occurred. Eventually we discovered that he was allergic to dairy. Later with actual testing we added eggs, dogs, cats, horses, and cigarette smoke. This smoke diagnosis came when visiting my grandma who smoked, and S1 had a terrible reaction. We ended up needing to find the hospital and spent many hours there.
I don’t smoke, neither did W, and I/we didn’t allow it in the house. Go outside if you want/need a smoke. Anyhow, during a visit to our home our guest would not follow our rules and did light up. Not believing the seriousness of what we stated. We ended up in the emergency room for hours again. I simply left our guest at the house. No cell phone back then, so no updates or anything for them.
Hours passed, and we returned. And not to happy. The vibe that was oozing was - “Just look at what you did. I told you not to smoke around S1. It is serious!” Our guest never did that again.
In situations when we were out and about with the kids, and smoking would start up, we left! Period. No discussion. We were gone. You can only control you. Granted it was pretty easy to be rock solid on the enforcement with such a serious issue where medical intervention was necessary if exposed. (By the way, son grew out of this somewhat. He can eat egg and dairy. Still allergic to dogs, cats, horses, and such; and cigarette smoke. Just not to the extent that it puts him in the emergency room with a mask on his face. And of course, he steers always from such stimuli anyhow.)
I feel for you Patt. Not an easy solution/resolution here.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
