A little less lost? Pt 3

[Sunflyer]

I did mention to H the other day in my bumbling emotional state that I want to sit down and legally finalise everything. He was all over the shop saying he needs to work stuff out and come up with options etc. I don’t know how it can be so hard to just split everything sell the house and walk away which is my plan. He keeps saying he doesn’t want to sell and be the guy who leaves his kids on the street etc. I really don’t know what magical fairytale he has in his head of how this works but he’s not right.

Have been reading these posts and shaking my head. Nothing but complaints from him about a situation HE created!

You know what they say: play silly games...

[DnJ]

Good Morning Patt

How can I constructively tell him AGAIN I don’t want him drinking around us and gaming. The fact it’s annoying D14 now means I need to say it.

The fact that it is annoying D14 means you need to speak with daughter. She nor you can control Dad/H. He is a grown man and can drink, smoke, swear, etc in front of whomever and wherever he wants to. As horrible as that may be. What you can do, is control you and your action/reactions.

You’ve told him. And you cannot dictate his compliance. If he won’t do it willingly, you are pretty much between a rock and a hard place. However, what are you going to do? What actions/boundary enforcements are going to take?

You could take the stance that: I’ve decided there is no longer going to be alcohol in my house. Any alcohol that comes into my house will be poured down the drain.

Obviously this stance would need to include your alcohol too Patt, so it is an inconvenience. Not sure that is a stand you are wanting to take.

Anyhow, just tossing around an idea. Maybe it will spark some discussion and further suggestions.

D

[Rockon]

I decided to answer without reading your whole post Pattnee (this is a 180 for me). I dont have judgment or the place to tell you what to do. But “He double hockey sticks” I got reactions and a lot of compassion for you and D. Let me say, that was a set up and must have been difficult for you and D to have H behaving so poorly and entitled and disrespectful of your boundaries and the sanctuary of your home and family. There! Said it. Now I’ll set aside and listen to the vets.

BTW, P5, I am so impressed wth your DB actions!

[Pattnee5]

Sun- thanks I certainly know this isn’t me or my fault. I am long past blaming myself

DnJ- I know it’s a hard one isn’t it. It’s annoying the heck out of me. My granny bought over her favourite muscat the other night and had a glass and left the bottle here “ for next time” as she said. H has given it a good home which I find disrespectful. I am very much a social drinker only and home, with friends or family. Very cautious how I show my kids to treat alcohol as adults. H has turned into a “ drink if you’re stressed, if you’re cooking, if you’re gaming, or just for any Willy nilly excuse” . I might try and gently or as neutral as possibly tell him again about not drinking in the house and taking it to his place to drink. It’s not even about the fact I turn into his verbal punching back ( last night I didn’t thank goodness I kept my head down and stayed away) but out of respect for d14. She’s trying to set her own boundaries and has said she hates dad drinking and gaming. I need to speak up.

I’ll keep you posted how I go and how it goes down. Obviously if and when we sell the house and go our seperate ways he won’t be coming and going out of my new place. It will be my space and he won’t be welcome inside unless I am there. However for now it’s hard because it’s our house he’s still paying for it too and entitled to use it. Right now he has the best of every world. Come and act like a 17 year old drink game, go back and sleep where he’s living. I’m glad he is still fine during the day but it’s a slippery slope alcohol and he’s on one heck of a slide


Rock- Thankyou. Yep very difficult considering a week ago I did say I didn’t want him drinking around the house and he agreed. I do know he gets ashamed of his drinking ( the next day). Like very deeply ashamed of how it’s gotten a hold of him. But he is a grown man and can make decisions. I keep telling him I am here to support him when he needs support. Nobody else is around him. He’s never told his family the true extent of his drinking and they live interstate so they never know. Again the shame creeping in.

Anyhow I will keep you updated how I go.
Thanks for the encouragement of the DB. I did have to pull myself away to have a bath and calm myself when I saw him with a beer. Internally I was fuming. Had a bath, told myself multiple times it’s not my fault, recomposed myself and handled it pretty darn good I think

[Ready2Change]

HUGS. Sorry for your lose. I can't imaging.

But any constructive advice how I can say this stuff and my boundaries without coming across mean or anything or blaming or anything that may upset him. I know it needs to be a morning conversation. Not an evening one.

Pour out all the alcohol. Cancel internet.

[Pattnee5]

Pour out all the alcohol. Cancel internet.

Haha did consider that for a second but really disadvantages me and the kids ( the Internet not the alcohol) and doesn’t stop him buying alcohol and bringing it with him.

Safe to say it seems I need to cut all losses now and rip the bandaid off sell the house and proceed with things so I can have my own space with the kids where he doesn’t have free reign to come and go. He made a comment to D14 “ I still pay for this house “ which pretty much makes the decision easier for me

[Ready2Change]

did consider that for a second but really disadvantages me and the kids ( the Internet not the alcohol)

Hotspot with phones for kids

[DnJ]

Good Morning Patt

I might try and gently or as neutral as possibly tell him again about not drinking in the house and taking it to his place to drink. …

out of respect for d14. She’s trying to set her own boundaries and has said she hates dad drinking and gaming. I need to speak up.

Screw neutral and gentle. You tried did that already. (Notice, you did that, not tried it. So don’t backslide to “try” once you’ve “did”. Now, obviously the outcome was not as successful as you were shooting for, that happens. It’s not in your direct control. So, go to what is under your control, you.) My opinion is it’s now enforcement of stated boundary. Speak up and let the chips fall as they will.

When something is affecting the kids too, you best get in front of it. Showing D14 you respect her and illustrating how one controls what they can in disrespectful situations is what you are actually “doing” here, not “try” to modify H. His alterations of character, or lack thereof, are on him, are his responsible. You’ve told H, given him opportunity, now is the enforcement stage.

Cancel the internet. Or change the password. If only H knows the admin password on the router, buy a new one. Etc.

Pour the booze down the drain. If H brings a bottle, pour it down the drain. If he hangs on to his bottle and just drinks from it, so no one can touch it, don’t fight him for it. His behaviour would certainly demonstrate just how bad things are for him, and I’m suspecting even he would see that.

You and daughter can leave the house if Dad shows up like that. He’ll likely get the message I would think.

A long time ago, when my second son was an infant, W and I ended up in the emergency room getting treatment for (then) S1 because he was having trouble breathing. Time and time this occurred. Eventually we discovered that he was allergic to dairy. Later with actual testing we added eggs, dogs, cats, horses, and cigarette smoke. This smoke diagnosis came when visiting my grandma who smoked, and S1 had a terrible reaction. We ended up needing to find the hospital and spent many hours there.

I don’t smoke, neither did W, and I/we didn’t allow it in the house. Go outside if you want/need a smoke. Anyhow, during a visit to our home our guest would not follow our rules and did light up. Not believing the seriousness of what we stated. We ended up in the emergency room for hours again. I simply left our guest at the house. No cell phone back then, so no updates or anything for them.

Hours passed, and we returned. And not to happy. The vibe that was oozing was - “Just look at what you did. I told you not to smoke around S1. It is serious!” Our guest never did that again.

In situations when we were out and about with the kids, and smoking would start up, we left! Period. No discussion. We were gone. You can only control you. Granted it was pretty easy to be rock solid on the enforcement with such a serious issue where medical intervention was necessary if exposed. (By the way, son grew out of this somewhat. He can eat egg and dairy. Still allergic to dogs, cats, horses, and such; and cigarette smoke. Just not to the extent that it puts him in the emergency room with a mask on his face. And of course, he steers always from such stimuli anyhow.)

I feel for you Patt. Not an easy solution/resolution here.

D

[Pattnee5]

Thanks guys
I spoke to H when he was in a normal mood and told him again I don’t want him drinking or gaming around me or the kids anymore. He said he understood and even said he had been better lately with drinking ( I had a silent chuckle because I knew that was false he had easily had drinks almost 4 out of 7 days this week that I saw and that was bingeing) 🤷🏼‍♀️ who knows how long it lasts but have removed all the alcohol from the house even though he doesn’t live here. I’ll also become firmer with him now I no longer care about hurting his feelings. There’s no saving this I had tiptoed around him for so long scared to inflict boundaries thinking that would somehow get him home. Boy was I wrong .He said we still had some bigger talks to have in the next week or two. I guess this is going ahead. Even though I always held out a small ounce of hope for him and us, he is not thinking of anything but proceeding with divorce now.
How can one man be so darn stubborn and not even want to get any help or seek to try and even fix a relationship before throwing it all away. I am still so shocked how one human can flick a switch and become someone so different.
Oh well it is what it is and there’s nothing I can do about it I can’t force him to snap back to reality.He is showing no desire to do anything that involved talking or connecting, rather would sit and game and drink for hours a day if he could. Such a sad reality. I feel sorry for him and find it hard to watch the father of my children become like this. It actually is such a turn off though. I have surrounded myself and the kids with lots of fun things this weekend had friends over with their kids, lunch dates with friends lots of laughs and even enjoying my own time and space too. A typical Sunday H would be buried in games and about 3 beers in by now. Gosh I am so thankful I don’t have to witness that anymore. I didn’t realise how antisocial he had become the last 12-18 months until now and having this space from him. I am really enjoying being alone now ( and no longer feel lonely or miss him in his current form.) I do still miss who he used to be before he spiralled into his MLC.
My IC and I had a chat earlier this week and she said it is perfectly ok for me to stand up for myself the next time he throws my affair at me again, to just remind him he too did the same thing to his wife. She had a better way to say it of course. I’ll keep that in my back pocket. Again had been scared in the past to say anything now i no longer care

I also had a really great experience with a kinesiology session too. I never would have got into that sort of stuff but I found the whole experience very emotional and released a lot of blockages etc. I don’t know if it was garbage or not but since my two sessions I have been feeling far more grounded and clear headed and come out of the fog.

I still keep reading alot of stories etc on MlC. I don’t know if that is bad or not. Just hearing other stories reading things.I can safely say a lot of my H started when he got this bigger job promotion and he couldn’t cope with the stress of the workload and didn’t have good outlets on stress. He really was not one to climb the ladder and preferred coasting so that certainly had been the worst thing for him.

Anyhow I am doing good. Had a great weekend lots of smiles and laughs. Am loving finding myself again and realising how amazing I am as a person and H is an absolute fool to throw this all away and throw me away

[Pattnee5]

I must say in all my reading of MLC I am amazed H hasn’t followed the usual pattern of younger friends, going out a lot, partying, buying expensive stuff etc.
He has completely gone within himself and become a recluse, work,game errands for kids drink repeat. Not the typical pattern. Completely withdrawn from life living like a slob. Such a miserable state of mind to be in. Maybe it’s what happens to an introvert.
Meanwhile I am all about making my kids life amazing and surrounding myself with people, friends, family, support.