A little less lost? Pt 3

[DnJ]

Hello Patt

It looks like indifference is taking hold in you. Your feelings regarding H are much muted as of late. A caution, in this void other feelings will appear larger than they really are. Ensure you make decisions based not upon emotions, or lack thereof.

I wanted him to make all the moves so he lives his reality and mess…

Has this changed? Has your wants and reasons changed? Or have your feelings changed?

…but he could drag his feet and live in the limbo like now for ages ( or until the next trigger goes off that something annoys him).

We often utilize what comes after “but” to justify negating what was stated before it. A justification based upon feelings to forgo something we before wanted to do. Do not alter your path based upon H’s delay or potential delay. If you want to toss in the towel, do it for you. For your reasons.

I am so torn if I sit and do nothing until he comes to me or if I keep pushing the table discussion.

(((Hugs)))

If you are torn, do not alter course. Until you are absolutely sure, follow that which you previously and rationally decided upon.

Like I’ve said many times before, indifference does unwind and our feelings do return.

Embrace limbo. You’ve such a gift of time. Use it wisely.

And remember, doing nothing is doing something.

D

[Pattnee5]

Thanks DnJ. Yes I do feel a bit indifferent some days. Are you saying don’t act on indifference as it’s a passing moment? I know the emotions will return and I’ll confinue to cycle.
I had a tea with a friend tonight and she asked if I still love him
And I do still love him and still hold our glimmers of hope but at the same time am no longer scared or fearful of it ending and starting my next journey. I realised now I was stuck in fear of the unknown. Now I am no longer scared. I love being alone and making my own decisions, and Clarity has returned to see the whole picture and how poor his behaviour was leading up to BD for me and my kids lives.
You are very right if I am torn I should do nothing and not just push it to have an end. I didn’t really think that doing nothing was doing something. I feel a lot of my reasons to push and end it is because of the external noise and pressure I get from family to cut ties and it and start again.

[Pattnee5]

Oops I just want to edit my post but left too late.
Correction is I love him but not the current version of him. Which I did mention to my friend. I loved who he was for 20 years before this new version emerged. I love the H that he used to be before he went through his current mlc ( which has died). This version of H I actually moreso just feel sorry for that whatever he is going through has completely overtaken him.

I should also note after reading your story Love4him I do wonder if my H also had a mlc 10 years ago which he didn’t pass through either. Such similar behaviours do now just not as many hurtful words but the disconnection, the reclusiveness the self isolation and pity party etc. Regardless at the end of the day

[DnJ]

Good Morning Patt

Indifference is kind of a passing moment. In time, after the unwinding, one can reestablish indifference almost on command. Like a “shields up” (if you’re a sci-fi fan you’ll get that ). The main thing right now is that indifference is new, and it takes time to get used to. Let the clarity settle, let the unknown settle.

You’ve got the noise from H nicely muted. His words and behaviours no longer drag you around, and they no longer cut or hurt. In the silence from that noise, and if you can mute family’s wants, you can then figure out what Pattnee truly wants and is willing to stand/live for. Those deeply held convictions.

It’s pretty easy to find something bigger than ourselves. Something we love or care about so much, that we’d die for it. It’s quite another to find that, which you would live for.

It turns out to be perspective. Dying for something, happens. We emotionally stop living, for a bit here and there. Folks let their hearts harden. One can shrink away from life.

Take that same hill one is willing to die upon, and instead stand for it. Live for it. Keep your heart soft and squishy. Embrace life.

Strengthen that which serves. Craft that which you aspire to. And discard or alter that which does not, or no longer, serves.

We all have prejudices, defaults, beliefs, convictions, etc., from a lifetime of experiences and inputs from society, movies, family, work, and the list goes on and on and on. Seek your core values. Know them. And decide if anything requires tweaking. Even if it’s only reducing the clutter and cataloging yourself.

Know thy self. Stand for me.

Very powerful convictions right there. Foundations as unshakeable as a lighthouse’s.

Doing nothing is doing something. Of course, the nothing isn’t sitting around pining over things. It’s just regarding furthering H’s agenda and/or riding around on his rollercoaster. That relationship/romantic limbo. Embrace it. It’s ok.

That’s the extent of limbo’s reach, nothing else. Live and love life. Do things. Travel. Work. Paint your house. Plant a garden. Take a class. Learn a new skill. Walk in the park. Watch the sunset. A sunrise. See Saturn through a telescope. You know, do stuff, just like you are and have been for a while now.

By the way, I highly recommend seeing Saturn through a telescope. It’s really amazing to see, with your own eye, what that pinprick of light actually is. Such beauty, and entire world, in a mere speck of light.

Jupiter is pretty amazing too. The giant red spot is very recognizable. And its four main moons ping and shine like diamonds. Just incredible.

Anyhow, I am here supporting you. Encouraging you. So, no matter the outcome, you’ve done all you could do.

D

[Love4Him]

Hey P,
it is typical MLC behavior to say things but never act on anything. They want one thing today and tomorrow it's not that but something else. I lived this for almost 3 years with H's initial MLC. He never left, slept on the couch, did not participate much in family life at all.

I decided back then to stand for my marriage bar none. It was incredibly difficult, so often you have to bite your tongue, stay calm, not bring up ANYTHING about R. Eventually, it gets easier because you detach from him. If you love him and you want your marriage back, stay focused on you, leave him to himself. I know you've been doing that but sometimes all the emotions inside us just boil over and we get angry and demand a discussion about R issues. Don't let yourself get emotional! I regreted it every time afterwards because it made everything worse, and I felt worse. It is not worth it, just let go. Be kind to him, ask him how his day was or any other general question. You don't want to get sucked in.

If HE brings up divorce talk try to change the subject. And if that does not work be vague, tell him you need to think about ... and leave it at that.
The purpose is to delay, delay, delay, he's in no state of mind to be making life altering decisions right now. Of course he doesn't know that, and by all means, don't tell him that! He is basing all of this on the way he's been feeling inside, and he thinks that divorce and what not will make it all better. It won't because you are not at the root of his problems. He needs time to figure this all out on his own.

Time is of the essence here, and without an incredible amount of patience you will not succeed.
But first, you will have to make the decision to stand or not stand. You have the right to file for divorce yourself if you feel you've had enough and you want to move on with your life. Totally understandable.
((Hugs))

[Pattnee5]

Thanks DnJ your words are always so inspiring. Yep I think I am doing a good job muting his noise now, things no longer bother me I don’t want to waste the energy thinking and analysing it all like I used to. Wasting hours a day thinking and wondering what he was doing why he was doing all of this, going back in the timeline thinking what could I have done different. It just isn’t helpful at all I realise and so it’s nice to just leave him in his corner to do what he wants his own way and stay out of my way. I am actually ok with this limbo now because I doing my own things finally and it feels GREAT. The lighthouse is still on but I’m not sitting around in it all day. Had a great few days catching up with some friends and having a lot of laughs, enjoyed a breakfast at my favourite place alone, saw a movie even just lounging around reading a book for a few hours. (H and kids away this weekend) I have thoroughly enjoyed time for me.


Love4him Thankyou yes I do see how MLC H say something then procrastinate and do nothing. H did it at bomb drop and took 3 months to move(triggered by a drinking episode he was anshamed of) and any and every action is always following a trigger of some sort. It’s almost like all the built up anger and issues bubbles away then something happens and it boils over and he says it and follows through.
The lawyer talk and talk of finalising legally the separation was a double whammy trigger of me purchasing tickets to our daughters favourite singer ( a leggy blonde with a cult following and near impossible to get tickets to) our daughter has been obsessed for years so I spent a small fortune to take her twice seeing as I could get tickets and H got triggered. Didn’t tell me at the time bur threw it in my face the day he bought up lawyer talk. 🙄 Mind you leading up to that he was spending more and more time with us being affectionate loving, kept telling me to give him time and that we have “hope” cooking dinner playing happy families and even initiating walks together and even chatting at night like we used to. I don’t know if it was false hope or manipulation or just a fleeting moment where the alien invading his body had briefly snoozed himself. Then out of nowhere, just when you think you make tiny baby steps of progress, enter a trigger, awaken alien and goodbye hope.
I love spoiling my kids when they deserve it and D14 absolutely deserved it. I also work two jobs so it certainly isn’t nice to get belittled for something. Anyhow that triggered him phoning a lawyer on the day of our wedding anniversary ( which also was triggering him). That was 6 weeks ago. Has sat on it since then. It’s not for divorce but legal separation of financials assesses etc. The sad part is we will need to sell the house we built for our family but honestly what can you do. Being financially joint is very difficult if I feel I can’t spend anything without a bomb going off. He has made his bed he has to sleep in it now.

I’m not filing for divorce, and at the end of the day a house is just a house and by no means to me that I am giving up on H if we have to sell. I’ll still try and be his lighthouse and stand for it but I am not sitting around waiting on him either. Life is far too short and precious. I haven’t given up on H yet but I don’t think he really has the tools to pull himself through this and out the other side. He has always been a runner from problems and never take initiative and fix. Old habits die hard .
Anyhow for now I am getting on with my life, I’ve hit the mute button on him and his Issues, day by day I feel myself getting better and stronger ( and still being patient and waiting -8 months of patience and I think I’m doing a better job of it now and in much better control than the early days)

[Kind18]

Wow Pattnee, you sound really strong 💪

While your divorce or reconciliation story has not yet been written, I can safely say your DBing has been a raging success. Well done!

You’ll still have hard days here and there, but you’ve managed to turn around your outlook in very short order. I’m proud that you are putting yourself first, rather than wasting your life on his pity party.

Well done on recognising your own self worth!

[Pattnee5]

Thanks Kind
I don’t know if I’m really strong but I’m getting there. Had a good IC session today too whereby she pointed out some things to me that really helped. I wouldn’t say I turned things around in a short time it’s been the longest year of my life 8 months since BD ( and only discovered DR 4 months ago)
It’s been a slog. I am getting better at just treating H like an acquaintance. He dropped off kids after their weekend away and was hovering around looking like he wanted to be invited to stay, I just bid him goodbye and proceeded to prepare dinner. I am very much over playing fake happy families to fulfill his desire and need. He made a comment about wishing he could play some video games on the computer , I just said he should go out and buy one for his place so he can game as much as he wants( he’s not taking the computer it has a lot of my documents and family photos on it)
I am done having him sit around gaming right in front of my eyes. He’s actually become quite addicted to it the last few months a lot more than he ever was.I doubt that’s a MLC symptom but it’s extremely disconnected from the real world. Regardless I now hate it because it’s in our main living area I hate seeing him on it in my home.
The Pattnee boundaries are slowly building their walls 🧱 thanks to everyone’s help
And it feels good finally

[Pattnee5]

Ok here for some advice. It’s been a hectic 48 hours. Had a funeral of our dear dear friends daughter who was 12 and lost her battle with cancer. Her and our S12 grew up together and so in love. Such a horrible experience and heartbroken for the family.
H was indecisive about the funeral and coming. I didn’t say anything one way or another and when he asked if he should come I said it was up to him. He did end up coming and was a bit of a mess himself by the end of it. Hugged the family then Hugged our kids crying and had to leave early. It was kind of nice to see some emotion finally that he actually does feel things.
He admitted later in the day via text he felt very hyper and emotional and hormonal and had struggled.

Fast forward to today/tonight. I worked H had kids after school ( in our house) was making dinner for the kids when I got home. I had a bit of a rough day post yesterday and another darn virus got me. As I walked in he said he was having a beer and hoped that was ok. I just shrugged. Last week I had told him I didn’t want him drinking around me and at the house and he had agreed and said ok. Obviously that didn’t last. I was too drained and under the weather to really handle it better I should have cut him off there. Anyway I had a bath while he finished up and cleaned up. D14 decided she wanted to watch the notebook with me ( cue more tears). When I had come out of the bath H was sitting on his gaming comp ( in our living room) had helped himself to wine out of the cupboard and was playing. I bit my tongue. In the past I would have said something. When he finished his game he went back into the cupboard for more wine and D14 told him it’s not his house and not to drink. He didn’t listen and made a “ I pay for this house blah blah” comment. He was a few drinks in by then so I really wanted to avoid any conflict. I knew anything I said would not sit well. Luckily he finished his game and drink and left. Not a bad effort a big bottle (longneck)of beer and almost 3/4 wine. I’m cheesed off I didn’t say anything sooner but by the time I got out of the bath it was too late and he was a few in. D14 hates him drinking and has told him. He now no longer cares. The gaming is going hand in hand. I told him to just take his game and leave but he won’t and blames random things like Internet where he lives.

So my question is HELP. How can I constructively tell him AGAIN I don’t want him drinking around us and gaming. The fact it’s annoying D14 now means I need to say it. I am glad I didn’t say anything tonight.it wouldn’t have ended well I know how things end when he drinks. The drinking has really got a hold of him now. The last few nights he had been drinking I can always tell if I see him he is buzzing, or a charge appears from the bottle shop. I can’t stop him being at the house when I’m at work and he is on parent duties but I have already told him a week ago about not drinking around me and it didn’t work the gaming is getting to me now too. And D14 she says it’s annoying seeing dad sitting there gaming at night when he doesn’t live here.

This is absolutely heartbreaking for me I am watching this man I love absolutely spiral into alcohol addiction and he doesn’t know it. It’s getting worse and worse and I’m the only one who knows because he hides it from his Christian family who have no idea. I know they say let them fall in their mess but this is the father of my kids. Gosh I am so glad he doesn’t live with me anymore. This is actually such a turn off.

But any constructive advice how I can say this stuff and my boundaries without coming across mean or anything or blaming or anything that may upset him. I know it needs to be a morning conversation. Not an evening one.

[Sunflyer]

I still have days I wonder maybe it isn’t a MLC and it is just me after all. It does sometimes get hard not to believe these words.

Even if it isn't an MLC, that still doesn't mean it's you.