It is common for someone embroiled in an emotional crisis to wax and wane from state to state. At times there are abrupt emotional changes as they ping pong about, like from nice to angry to sad to nice in hours or even minutes. Sometimes these emotions are displayed, and sometimes not. The path of the MLCer is ever emotional, and is usually hidden away internally.
The larger overall emotional states are more on a day/week timeline. As you've seen, a few days of behaving mostly like their old self, then they erupt and get all angry again. Remember W's path is about her, not you.
A MLCer has unrealized trauma(s) and pains constantly bubbling away. After a blowup, that internal pressure is released, and they usually calm down for a while. However, their emotional turmoil is never silent, and their pressure is always slowly building. A few days, or sometimes hours, and again the MLCer personality (alien, monster, pod-person, and so on) is once again front and center.
As you can likely imagine such emotional flipping and flopping about would be rather confusing. One of the major hallmarks of MLC is confusion. These lost folks really do not know what is behind their wild feelings. And it is very common for the loving spouse to get blamed.
The MLCer runs from themselves. Runs from this confusion. Running behaviors, activities, to mute their ceaseless pressures.
Another, common path for an MLCer is for the alien, personality, pod-person, to take over. For these poor folks their MLCer alien is in control. The few peeks of the "normal" are very few and far between.
The path of the MLCer really depends upon the person, and their past. How they were raised, what they are running from, their coping mechanisms (which are immature at best), and so on. Lots of variables, all of which the LBS does not know.
This is one of the biggest items for the LBS. The crisis is ever present. Even during those "everything looks normal" days, it's still there. Lurking. Dragging them down. A huge portion of their journey is hidden away from us, the world, even themselves.
The LBS's needs to not paint a target upon themselves. Our MLCer spouse already has one painted upon us, and we don't want to bring more attention to it. Remain kind and cordial. And exercise good boundaries for disrespectful behaviors. Like you would for a rebellious teenager. The similarities between MLCer and adolescent is striking; for the MLCer is growing up from when they were emotionally stunted.
Originally Posted by Keyser77
I employed my best DB technique - maintain my composure, looked in the eye and validated everything she said even if I don't believe it. When she started cussing at me I told her that I would be happy to finish the conversation when she didn't direct those words at me. She stormed off to bed and about 30 minutes came back downstairs and talked to me like a person.
Well done.
Remaining clam is always a good course of action. Your W does need to express her anger, so it ok to let her vent a bit, and to know where to draw that boundary line. Sounds like you employed very good boundaries. Yes, let her talk, until she directs cussing at you. By the way, her storming off is a good thing. She has a lot to get out of her system.
That's the basic path. The MLCer keeps burning through their rising anger. All the while baiting the LBS to react, so the MLCer can resupply their blame and further justify their actions.
The LBS divorce busts. We don't take the bait, we stay calm, we detach, we let go.
In time, the MLCer realizes that we, the LBS, hasn't been bothering them for quite a while and that they are still sad, angry, and upset. They consider that perhaps their spouse isn't the cause afterall. Now, some MLCers will run again, and some (with a good helping of fortune/fate) will look elsewhere for the cause of their troubles. They will look inward and start their journey of healing.
Keep moving forward K. You're doing great.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
