A new issue for me

[DnJ]

Hello Tad

It’s wonderful to hear from you. Last we spoke Piper and Jack were but kittens. How are the wee rascals?

The problem is, and it has been eating at me, I'm now suddenly scared to be alone as I get older. I'm scared of needing help and not being able to get it.

I've got this fear of really, REALLY being alone and having nobody.

I'm just worried and scared.

Fear


I do understand the limited social outgoing. And the Covid years certainly didn’t foster changing that.

I’m also 55, and retired, so my daily seeing of folks has diminished very drastically. I live alone by myself with my two outside dogs. I’ll pass on some ideas, suggestions, etc. and let’s see if any of them resonate with you.

My BD was, in another month, six years ago. Separation was two months later. Divorce filed by XW one year after that. The kids moved out over the few years post BD. One by one, the house got quieter and quieter. It’s kind of startling from a house of six,- me, W, and four kids - and W’s daycare business; going from all that bustle for a couple of decades, to just me living solo.

Overcoming fear requires understand it. Rationalizing it. I find fear, at its root, is about the imaged possible pain or hurt to one’s self. A imaged future outcome. It doesn’t even need to be plausible or probable. For example, I’m scared of spiders, not because of them being spiders, rather because I imagine one bitting me. Then the neurotoxins and cytotoxins immobilizing my nervous system and starting to break down my tissue for the spider’s ingesting. Likewise for the dark. It’s not being in the dark, it’s being hurt by whatever is lurking in the dark. It’s irrational. Spiders more often than not would not crawl upon me, never mind bite me. Ah, such is fear.

Fear of being alone. At its root, is what? One getting hurt. Languishing in pain with no one knowing about it or coming by to alleviate it. Now, my house has three floors and a basement. If I fall down a staircase, and get a serious injury, I’m likely to be lying there for quite some time before someone would find me. I do understand and empathize with the: what if; what could happen; and it sure would nice not to be alone; type thinking.

So some ideas and ways of looking at things and life.

If you notice, “I live by myself” instead of “I live alone”. Alone conjures feelings of unaided and no help. And sounds more beyond our control. By myself sounds more like a choice, a decided life choice rather than a thrust upon us outcome. It fosters embracing this stage of life.

Our minds are always listening, and crafting our reality. Word choices matter. We can directly control our thoughts, actions, and reactions. Thus directly control how we think or frame an idea, and the wording we utilize. This in turn influences our emotions and beliefs. The non rational side of ourselves. The very realm where fear lives. Therefore, we can utilize our control to influence our fear. To cut those irrational ties between event and imagined outcome.

A nice stroll looking at the stars in the inky blackness of night is not frightening. Yet, if one had a high fear response to darkness, not much stargazing would happen.

Of course, risk still exists. Fearless does not remove dangerous. I might not be afraid of the dark, yet I don’t go running around in the woods at night with meat tied around my neck trying to attract bears. That’s just dangerous and risky.

Speaking of risk. On all the four floors of my house I have a phone. And I usually have my cell phone too. Any fall, unlikely as that may be, and I can probably call for help. This is a premeditated action to mitigate furthering any injury. A rational control instead of worry and fear.

As I’m getting older, I more and more realize that health is definitely taken for granted. As I slow a bit, can’t run like I used to, and so on and so on, yep no one here to look after dear old DnJ. …. Nope! Not true! I see a person every morning in the mirror. I am really the only one who is responsible for me and my health. Mental, emotional, and physical health. If I don’t do something positive about it, then that’s on me; and I will have my consequences. If I do positive things, I will reap the their benefits.

Does anyone have anything to suggest?

I agree, dating is not the answer.

Go out. Walk. Good for weight control. May even meet some folks face to face. And exercise is positive for your health. All aspects of it.

Keep your diabetes under control.

Foster a better relationship with your sons. This will take work. And no time like the present to start, don’t put it off. Just take small steps.

Talk to your kids regularly. If they haven’t heard from you in a while, they would likely wonder what’s up.

Enrol in one of those monitoring apps for your phone. AndrewP spoke highly of Life360. Your third son would likely be receptive to getting an alert if some emergency were to happen.

Depending upon how your health and mobility is, a monitoring service is also available. Those necklaces or bracelets people wear and can press in times of need. Most likely a few years off, yet could certainly stave off some fear in knowing someone is listening if you need to call for help.

See, or contact, your brother. Make peace with him. Granted this may be difficult if his life situation is too out of line with your’s. You definitely need to know your boundaries. Maybe this starts out as a simple reach out at Christmas with a card.

Realize you live by yourself, and do have people in your life.

Untangle the fear and it’s ensnaring tentacles. Fear paralyzes one. Fear creates a feedback upon itself. A feeling. A feeling that would be fleeting, if not for being reenforced by our non rational worry over a future possibility. Uncouple event/trigger from imagined outcome from the feeling of dread, and fear abates.

To be sure, this is a battle. Yet you are not weaponless in this. You have logic and reason. You have sword and shield of the rational. Cleave the irrational ties and deflect the fearful reinforcements. In time, with its feedback lessened, fear withers and fades. Keep you sword sharp, and your shield bright and broad.

Hope your Sunday is going well.

D