A little less lost? Pt 3

[Pattnee5]

Thanks DnJ your words are always so inspiring. Yep I think I am doing a good job muting his noise now, things no longer bother me I don’t want to waste the energy thinking and analysing it all like I used to. Wasting hours a day thinking and wondering what he was doing why he was doing all of this, going back in the timeline thinking what could I have done different. It just isn’t helpful at all I realise and so it’s nice to just leave him in his corner to do what he wants his own way and stay out of my way. I am actually ok with this limbo now because I doing my own things finally and it feels GREAT. The lighthouse is still on but I’m not sitting around in it all day. Had a great few days catching up with some friends and having a lot of laughs, enjoyed a breakfast at my favourite place alone, saw a movie even just lounging around reading a book for a few hours. (H and kids away this weekend) I have thoroughly enjoyed time for me.


Love4him Thankyou yes I do see how MLC H say something then procrastinate and do nothing. H did it at bomb drop and took 3 months to move(triggered by a drinking episode he was anshamed of) and any and every action is always following a trigger of some sort. It’s almost like all the built up anger and issues bubbles away then something happens and it boils over and he says it and follows through.
The lawyer talk and talk of finalising legally the separation was a double whammy trigger of me purchasing tickets to our daughters favourite singer ( a leggy blonde with a cult following and near impossible to get tickets to) our daughter has been obsessed for years so I spent a small fortune to take her twice seeing as I could get tickets and H got triggered. Didn’t tell me at the time bur threw it in my face the day he bought up lawyer talk. 🙄 Mind you leading up to that he was spending more and more time with us being affectionate loving, kept telling me to give him time and that we have “hope” cooking dinner playing happy families and even initiating walks together and even chatting at night like we used to. I don’t know if it was false hope or manipulation or just a fleeting moment where the alien invading his body had briefly snoozed himself. Then out of nowhere, just when you think you make tiny baby steps of progress, enter a trigger, awaken alien and goodbye hope.
I love spoiling my kids when they deserve it and D14 absolutely deserved it. I also work two jobs so it certainly isn’t nice to get belittled for something. Anyhow that triggered him phoning a lawyer on the day of our wedding anniversary ( which also was triggering him). That was 6 weeks ago. Has sat on it since then. It’s not for divorce but legal separation of financials assesses etc. The sad part is we will need to sell the house we built for our family but honestly what can you do. Being financially joint is very difficult if I feel I can’t spend anything without a bomb going off. He has made his bed he has to sleep in it now.

I’m not filing for divorce, and at the end of the day a house is just a house and by no means to me that I am giving up on H if we have to sell. I’ll still try and be his lighthouse and stand for it but I am not sitting around waiting on him either. Life is far too short and precious. I haven’t given up on H yet but I don’t think he really has the tools to pull himself through this and out the other side. He has always been a runner from problems and never take initiative and fix. Old habits die hard .
Anyhow for now I am getting on with my life, I’ve hit the mute button on him and his Issues, day by day I feel myself getting better and stronger ( and still being patient and waiting -8 months of patience and I think I’m doing a better job of it now and in much better control than the early days)