Moving forward

[Rockon]

Way to go Mike. Sounds like you are leading yourself and your family. Stepping up. Keep learning and growing.

[MikeP]

Hi all, thought I would post a quick update. Not a lot has changed. Things are better between W and I. My new struggle is my difficulty believing W wants to be here. Nothing she is doing to cause this, just my lack of trust still I would imagine. I sometimes worry that she is "trapped" here and would rather be somewhere else. I don't worry that she wants to be with the OM, I just don't trust that our R is real. Does that make sense? I suppose deep down I know that sweeping everything under the rug will come back to haunt us. Father in law had been doing a lot worse. They finally started a steroid treatment last week and he is showing some signs of improvement, so that's great. It's been a very stressful time dealing with what he is going through. Still haven't gotten that bike yet. Retirement has been a little more financially difficult than we anticipated. Started a job that didn't work out. Starting a new one, hopefully next week. Wish me luck.

[Ready2Change]

...Not a lot has changed. ...I just don't trust that our R is real. Does that make sense? I suppose deep down I know that sweeping everything under the rug will come back to haunt us...

You can create the change. You have had the wake-up call. Working on the R is a never ending process. If you are in piecing, than the two of you should be having some R conversations. ( I have not gone through piecing, so someone else may be better qualified to elaborate). If not in piecing, you keep up the DBing.

[MikeP]

...Not a lot has changed. ...I just don't trust that our R is real. Does that make sense? I suppose deep down I know that sweeping everything under the rug will come back to haunt us...

You can create the change. You have had the wake-up call. Working on the R is a never ending process. If you are in piecing, than the two of you should be having some R conversations. ( I have not gone through piecing, so someone else may be better qualified to elaborate). If not in piecing, you keep up the DBing.

Not really sure about being in piecing or how to tell. We have had 1 brief R talk recently, otherwise just trying my best to DB. Thanks.

[Ready2Change]

Not really sure about being in piecing or how to tell. We have had 1 brief R talk recently, otherwise just trying my best to DB. Thanks.

I would say you are not in piecing. You would know. At the point you know, your approach would change again.

Have you built some fun and excitement into your life? And does she join you?

[DnJ]

Hello Mike

Piecing, as in piecing one’s marriage/relationship back together, is when both partners have openly and unreservedly (re)committed to the relationship and each other. Actually said it, and enacting it. And even then, it likely will take months for each to feel comfortable enough for R talks.

Piecing is the time when one can, and does, explore the land beyond those DB rules. Basically, rebuilding a new relationship upon the foundation of the old, which was under the now cleared away debris. It sounds like you two are not quite there yet.

My new struggle is my difficulty believing W wants to be here. Nothing she is doing to cause this, just my lack of trust still I would imagine. I sometimes worry that she is "trapped" here and would rather be somewhere else. I don't worry that she wants to be with the OM, I just don't trust that our R is real.

What do her actions say? Does she appear she wants to be elsewhere, or is it more your worrying manifesting such.

I totally get the lack of trust. It will take time. With demonstrated consistent behaviour your trust can be re-earned.

Right now, I suspect you are at a point when you might attempt some of the things that had non positive results before. You might consider some more inviting her to joint activities. The doing more of which works and less of what doesn’t. And go slow. Really slow. See how she responds.

Keep DBing. I’d work to let go the worry and fear that W feels trapped. Such worry clouds your mind and gives off small subconscious indications from you as well. We at times do make our own fate, as those wee indicators influence those around us. Act/behave as if.

Don’t fret about sweeping under the rug. True there is a time for one to discuss and clear the air, although I think that’s not now.

I’m sorry to hear FIL is getter worse. Hopefully the current steroid treatment will yield a positive turn around.

I’m coming up on one year retired. How long for you? And yes, best of luck finding a fulfilling post-retirement gig.

D

[Ready2Change]

DNJ, Thanks for clarifying piecing.

You might consider some more inviting her to joint activities. The doing more of which works and less of what doesn’t. And go slow. Really slow. See how she responds.

This is an effective way to word things:

"I am going to see (NAME OF BAND) play live this Friday night. Would you like to join me?"

[DnJ]

Hi Mike

I’ll add that usually a spouse doesn’t return with some grand announcement. Some definitely are shook awake and the LBS certainly knows their spouse has turned some kind of corner in their journey. However, oftentimes, it is more a whisper of doubt. A small voice within them.

This is a scary time for a returning spouse. How will I be treated? Does my partner forgive me? Can they forgive me? Along with their guilt, shame, regret, remorse, and so on. And they most fear judgement. It’s quite an internal struggle for them. It takes a while for them to become more overt about things. The LBS has to dig deep for patience as their spouse slowly alters their trajectory.

I really like R2C’s wording for inviting W out. Non threatening and pretty pressure free.

D

[Kind18]

I really like R2C’s wording for inviting W out. Non threatening and pretty pressure free.

Yep. And it’s strong 💪💪💪

Sort of like “Hey I’m going regardless to have a great time and I couldn’t care less if you decide to join me.”

Women like confident, unaffected men.

[Ready2Change]

Sort of like “Hey I’m going regardless to have a great time and I couldn’t care less if you decide to join me.”Women like confident, unaffected men.

It is building an exciting life for yourself, without "neediness" or "bragging" etc. Your thoughts,actions,behaviors,words are all in alignment. Facial expressions, tones, inflections, body language all say:

"If you want to have a good time, you should come along with me for the ride. I am now free of the control you had over me."