These folks can hot and cold, and emotionally ping pong about. W’s path is more emotionally driven than rationally driven. And as such, you’ll see some wildly conflicting behaviours and conversations.
Thing is, during the current moment she feels whatever it is she feel. A while later, her feelings change, and so does her mannerisms and behaviours. From blaming you, to cordial, to rage, to how was your day. It’ll make your spin trying to keep up.
Like Kind’s wise post, validate her feelings and then be quiet. No agreeing, no arguing, just acknowledging her feelings.
By the sounds of things you did pretty well, and should be proud of yourself. I do have a few ideas for you for next time.
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My response was I understand you're angry, frustrated and hurt. We don't want her to leave but understand. I am paraphrasing because both text her to me and my response were a little lengthy. I tried to convey to her that I understand her frustrations. I thanked her for her honesty and I would like to work on this marriage but understand if it’s something she is no longer interested in.
Validating takes a while to get the hang of. All the strikethrough stuff is too much pressure and takes away from her feelings. You are inserting and letting her know of your own feelings. Example: I would like to work on this marriage but understand if it’s something she is no longer interested in.
You’ve told W all that, likely plenty of times. Let this be the last time. It’s not like she’s forgot where you stand on things. And she kinds of needs to.
For the actual bit regarding her feelings, ensure her feelings are the focus of the statement. The most important thing in validating is to show that you heard her. Something like, wow your day sounded overwhelming. I’m sorry it was such a frustrating day. Thank you for looking after D12’s appointment.
Originally Posted by Keyser77
Reading her text made me angry but I pulled over on the side of the rode and tried to search this forum for some appropriate responses.
To go a bit further. This was a text. Let it be. Unlike face to face conversation, no immediate response was needed. Especially when you’re angry. This buys you some time to calm and figure out what to say. And it gives time for her feelings to maybe change, maybe even soften to something easier to validate.
Her text was venting, not really a question. Would’ve likely been better to not text, come home (even with her in the bed looking at her phone), and then validate her terrible day.
Anyhow, like you said, this DB stuff ain’t easy. Keep at it man. You’re doing fine.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
