Saving Pack through D, Pack_19 part V

[DnJ]

Good Morning Pack

It’s wonderful to read your update. You are indeed doing well, and sincerely investing into you and your kids.

I had a chat with S9 on bed last night, I asked him how he feels about shared custody and he told me he is tired of changing homes and carrying bags.

I can certainly see his point. Can work to minimize the stuff needed for him to lug around. Toothbrush, shampoo, shoes, clothes, jackets, video game, and such at each place would lessen things a bit. Of course, once in a while there would need to be a reset as clothes get mixed around. Yet, one could basically just show up with the clothes on their back.

This week will be the 4 year anniversary since BD, I struggle a lot with how much time I have needed to start moving forward on my own. Maybe this is something we never fully recover from, even if as an individual you grow and improve beyond what you could imagine.

Everyone requires a different amount of time to find their footing and really get moving forward. These last four years were needed for you. Needed and invested into you. And yes, one can improve beyond their imagination. A destiny, I’ve no doubt about for you.

To that, forgiveness:

I have read a lot about forgiveness, the price you pay for it and how you must move on with it. I don't think I could forgive exW for all her despise, accusations, infidelity and the havoc she caused in what I called our family life. I don't say this from a vengeful perspective, it is just a boundary I have to set and stick to. I remember reading how weak a man can look if you set a boundary and let it be stepped on over and over. Time to put Pack first, I will find someone who admires and respects the man I have become.

You are correct, boundaries when made need to be enforced. For people will treat you the way you let them.

When we are first hurting and our emotions are all over the place, it is really difficult to know what and where to place a boundary and how to enforce it. Eventually we become whole and healed, and some of those boundaries become less so.

To be clear, it’s not that we accept disrespectful behaviour, we just more shrug and move on. After all, we can only control ourselves. And with growth, detachment, understanding, empathy, compassion, and forgiveness; behaviours and words which once cut to the bone, no longer sting.

We still have rock solid boundaries, they are just more meshed with who we are, our character, instead of some external idea or thing we turn to in those times. Such strength of character lives in convictions and beliefs and values.

Ah the realm of beliefs. The fourth of life’s paths - physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual.

Each of these paths is separate to the others. We have direct control over two: physical and intellectual. We can control our actions and our reactions. We can control our thoughts.

All paths influence each other and are subject to influence both internal and external. One’s beliefs and convictions can crafts/influence certain thoughts and feelings in a given situation. One can control/do certain tasks to promote healthy emotional well being. One can think positively to influence their deeply held values. It is quite a web.

Beliefs, unlike emotions, are very slow to change. It’s this almost unchanging that makes them excellent life headings; once one organizes their convictions. Strengthen that which serves, craft that which you aspire to, and discard or alter that which doesn’t serve.


“…forgiveness, the price you pay for it and how you must move on with it.”

I do not understand what you mean by the price you must pay. Forgiveness is writing paid in full upon your XW’s invoice.

One finds forgiveness in letting go. Letting go of the need for vengeance, retribution, retaliation, compensation, and so on. The effort to let go is difficult to find, for it is a “muscle” we/society doesn’t often use. However, forgiveness requires far less energies than holding a grudge. In fact, forgiveness requires next to no energy, once you find it. You just live it. You believe it.

Forgiveness is most definitely for you. The cost, price, effort of forgiveness is paid back multi-fold to you! I guarantee it.


“I don't think I could forgive exW for all her despise, accusations, infidelity and the havoc she caused in what I called our family life.”

You can and do control what you think. As long as you think you cannot forgive, you won’t.

Our minds and hearts are always listening, and they will craft our reality as we ask. The first step in crafting is imaging. We have to be open to the possibility, be able to imagine and see, that we can find forgiveness for our ex spouse (or whomever).

Next, forgiveness is not what you likely think it is. My tag line: Love the person, forgive the sin.

Trying to forgive someone, the person, places one upon a higher moral ground. How misguided, deciding who is to be forgiven, who is worthy of such. No one can see all ends. Only God can forgive the soul.

Think good person, who has done bad things.

Love the sinner, forgive the sin.

You don’t forgive XW for all her despise, accusations, infidelity and the havoc she caused; you forgive the despise, accusations, infidelity and the havoc. You forgive the transgressions, directly.

Betrayal is the worst thing one person can do to another. My XW betrayed me, our kids, family, friends, and most of all herself. Yet, she did not grow up in a vacuum. I know some of what she endured during her informative years. I know some of her pains and torments. Yet, I know not all of her suffering. Nor do I see all. Therefore I cannot judge her. One can choose to carry those hurts and betrayals around, or one can let go and work to forgive.

I found forgiveness really early on in my situation. It came during a hellish vivid nightmare of XW suffering eternal damnation. I bolted awake from the utter shock. It was in the wee hours of the night, like 2:00 am, I dropped to my knees beside the bed, right then and there in the dark, and I prayed and begged God to forgive her, for she did not deserve such fate. Oh my goodness, the hubris, me a mere mortal telling God to forgive her.

I realized I wanted no hand in her fate, repercussions, consequences, comeuppance, etc, in this life or the next.

Some incredible things internally shift and take hold with such a viewpoint.

This was months after bomb drop, with every night thus far being a fitful poor sleep. After that night, that epiphany, I’ve slept soundly every single night.

There is a journey, IMHO. Understanding, compassion, empathy, kindness, caring, acceptance, and forgiveness. Not strictly in that order, nor even the entire steps/milestones, just a rough guide. Like how everyone needs a certain amount of understanding before they can/will let go, we need a certain amount of understanding and empathy and compassion before we can/will forgive.

Love the person, forgive the sin.

I do hope you can imagine the peace and contentment that is possible.

Maybe this is something we never fully recover from, even if as an individual you grow and improve beyond what you could imagine.

I think it depends upon one’s definition of recover. We do not go back to how we once were. That naivety is lost (and will also need to be grieved). We can return to a normal state of mental and emotional health and strength. In fact, I think most folks will surpass what they once were.

So do we fully recover? No, we actually get better. We go beyond. We become.

Be better, not bitter.

Have an awesome day Pack.

D