A little less lost? Pt 3

[Pattnee5]

One thing I should add is I have felt a bit of self guilt the last few days despite being really good and strong. I did get a bit teary over it and the fact that H still uses my infidelity 9 years ago and that his anger and resentment is because of that and he never forgave me and “if you stayed true to your word I would have stayed with you forever “. This was said not long ago and it does still sting a bit. I know I forgave myself and for years H led me to believe he had forgiven me too and ever he I d was rosy. So I am sure it’s only common but as my marriage is ending now and I’m mourning its loss, I still have those words in the back of my mind. I messed up bad, H led me to believe he forgave me for 9 years and now is using it as the sole reason for his departure.
I must say it’s very hard not to see saw and believe what they are saying when they say it and feel horrible. On the flip side I can see even if this is his truth and the truth, even if we rebuild and we’re to reconcile, I won’t ever live it down and it will always be held over me. I do wonder if it’s the MLC after all or if I just really broke his heart

Anyway I just wanted to vent because despite being ok and being strong and knowing we are done and over, I am still very broken hearted for what I did and causing this current state today and breaking the heart of the man I absolutely adored. It was a terrible terrible time for me and since then I have grown so much and learnt so much, but unfortunately too little too late when the damage is done

[Love4Him]

Hi Pattnee5,
I do believe your husband meant it when he forgave you years ago. When in MLC they will try anything to justify their current behaviors. It just can't be him it has to be you so he makes up stories or uses past events and mistakes we have made. And since we're all humans it's easy to find something they can use against us, no matter how small or big, all the same. My H used the fact that I failed to take out the trash and he had to do it for me. Stupid stuff like that. They are desperate to shine the bad light on us. They need ammunition to be able to say, see, she's horrible, I need to get away from her.
I'm working on this myself, but don't take ANYTHING he says or does to heart. His brain is scrambled right now and nothing makes sense anymore. When we're in panic mode we can't think straight, and they're definitely in panic mode!

[Pattnee5]

Thanks Love4him for your response. I too believed he had forgiven me as we had so many wonderful years afterwards where it was never brought up with love and fun times. However it’s still hard to hear “I would have stayed with you forever if you stayed true to your word.”
I do wonder if he is holding this over me because he is carrying some deep down self hate as he too had an affair on his first wife in his early 20s and left her. I almost feel like I am being blamed for his lack of being punished
He also made sure to tell me how I disrespected him for years whereby I did whatever I wanted and he never felt he could tell me NO because I would get upset. He has a point here but at the same time he never spoke up so how was I to know. I am really beating myself up over this at the moment. I did disrespect him at times and loved spoiling the kids and family rotten but obviously now it’s under his skin and is all reasons as to why he wants out including why I promised him an amazing intimate life when we first got together( I was 23) and why I didn’t live up to that either and how I shouldn’t have promised him stuff I couldn’t deliver and he wouldn’t have moved down to be with me ( as the honeymoon stage wears off and intimacy goes down).

I still have days I wonder maybe it isn’t a MLC and it is just me after all. It does sometimes get hard not to believe these words.

I am so sorry to vent on here but I know you guys will give me a logical perspective instead of family and friends who are very involved and emotions are involved

[Kind18]

“I would have stayed with you forever if you stayed true to your word.”

Love4Him is absolutely right, and very insightful for someone with only 8 posts.

You’re catastrophising again.

I absolutely am sure he forgave you nine years ago. He just wouldn’t have stayed around, and you would have noticed through his behaviours.

WAS/WS/MLC will use and say ANYTHING to placate their own guilt. If it hadn’t been that time nine years ago, it would have been something else. If you hadn’t had an affair nine years ago, it would be because you didn’t get paid enough in your job. And if you are really well paid, it would be because you work too much. And if you worked only two days a week and made really great money, it would be because you earn more than him and that makes him feel crap.

And if you only had one child, it would be because he always wanted two. And if you had two, it would be because you should have been more insistent about just having one.

I don’t know why you are entertaining this Pattnee. You stumbled. Fair enough, we get it, and obviously no-one on an anti-divorce bulletin board is going to endorse that. But you know what - you owned it, you apologised, and you went about building a life with him for nine years.

If he never got over that - that’s not your fault. He had the opportunity to say he was out, he had the opportunity to get help to get over it and start again. He doesn’t just get to bumble along playing happy family for nine whole years, decide to blow it up and just hang it on you.

Trust me when I say I know how much of an emotional roller-coaster divorce is. And I encourage you to keep coming here when you have these thoughts and feelings. But I really think you need professional counselling to deal with separating fact from him wanting to wash his hands of responsibility for this.

Despite what most internet women say these days, he’s not “gaslighting” you (ie deliberately making you feel guilty and turning it into a you problem).

In his mind he just genuinely believes that his current predicament must have been caused by someone external to him. If he was single and going through this MLC, he’d be blaming his employer or his upbringing at the hands of his parents or that one time he got bullied in primary school.

It’s simply thus - he needs a reason, and he’s found the easiest one he can think of.

You need to see a counsellor. Many employee assistance programs can provide help with this, and often your union can too. Alternatively in Australia, a GP can set up six free Medicare sessions with a psychologist. I think you’d really benefit from that - to identify what’s really going on with your husband’s blame game, and also to help you heal a bit more after your affair.

Oh and PS:

he is carrying some deep down self hate as he too had an affair on his first wife in his early 20s and left her

Hammer meet nail. That’s exactly what’s going on here. I bet his MLC is triggered by self loathing over his own affair. He’s probably punishing you in the way he feels he should have been punished.

That’s how it reads form the cheap seats… but I’d also caution you that you can’t do anything about that. You can’t walk up to him and say “you’re doing this because you never healed from instigating your affair on your first wife”.

Not only is that a waste of time and going to start WW3, it’s imperative to remember you CAN NOT control or manipulate other people. All he will be able to see is you blaming him for your affair.

And so it all circles around to DB principles - the only person you can control and hold accountable - is you. He needs to simmer on his own.

In the meantime - you need some counselling! Good luck.

[Pattnee5]

Thanks kind for your words
I have been having counselling since Bd and I have been doing well and she’s amazing. I am generally great but but I just have moments like this where I feel like I fall in a heap and believe his blame shifting of me. It’s getting far far less now. It’s actually hasn’t happened for a while so today surprised me.( I have come down with a virus too so I don’t know if I am just feeling generally low and rubbish too)
Hence why I wanted to post to write to down and also know if I have been wrong and bad as least you guys call me out on my rubbish. I guess I’m just disappointed in myself.

I’ve generally been really good and strong( DB a lot and doing ok at it ) but then I get moments like this that wash over me.
I know it’s over I know he is not the man I once knew and isn’t good for me but I am just still grieving.I know our relationship is long dead and there isn’t even a pulse left anymore.
I know from this I will learn to be better in my next relationship one day in the future.

[Kind18]

Sorry Pattnee, I forgot you were in IC. I’ll try to remember the details a bit better next time.

I know you probably have stuff you’re working on atm with her, but this would be something you could bring along to your next session.

“Can we put aside ten minutes at the end of this session for something? I’d like to talk about management strategies for when I become short term overwhelmed with grief and self blame.”

Let your IC help you with that.

Bear in mind you’ll never completely fix it. The sign of progress will be when you notice that those periods of extreme grief and self blame start to become:
- less frequent, and/or
- of less duration before you snap out of it.

You’re doing great 👍👍👍

[Pattnee5]

No worries Kind I’ll ask her. The periods between it all are alot more stretched now. I think the fact I woke up unwell and virus kicking in has bought on a bit of sadness and thinking ( just the whole solo parenting getting kids sorted while feeling like rubbish and having no help). I ended up getting over my pity party pretty quickly once I called a friend and sat in the Sun in the backyard. You can’t help but have those words stick with you sometimes. Can’t change the past though and I keep remembering this is H roller coaster he has jumped on and I ain’t invited for the ride. 😄(see I still remember your roller coaster story Kind )

[Love4Him]

Hey P.,

I totally get it. I feel strong one day like I can handle this and then the next I break down and want to curl up into a ball and cry, even over little things like H going to work without looking at me or saying goodbye and kissing me as he always had done. This is truly evil and I do believe that the devil is at play here too. He is feeding them lies. That is why they don't seem to be themselves, they are controlled by evil forces and someone else is pushing the controls.

Kind, when I started my thread I posted it in the Midlife Crisis section instead of Newcomers. DnJ told me it's okay and he could move it if I wanted him to. I'm thinking about it because I feel a bit lonely over there. Still with only 8 posts, lol. I am starting to get more into posting when I have the time.
Truth is though, I'm not entirely new to MLC, my H started in 2010 and ended it in 2013, or so I thought. He is back in MLC now and I have realized that he never resolved anything. He sort of came out and "took a break" back then and recommitted to the marriage but he still had/has work to do. DnJ said that can happen and they need to finish the journey entirely before they can move on. I'm still in shock over this.

I hope you're feeling better P., keep moving forward... you will be okay no matter what happens.

[Pattnee5]

Oh Love4him I’m so sorry to hear and read about your situation. I keep saying an Alien has abducted my H because this certainly isn’t the man who he has been for 20 years. I remember being like that and wanting that hug or attention. Now It doesn’t bother me. The words he says do, the blaming certainly does. The Alien/Devil at work is the pits.

I think this is my biggest fear now if miraculously H starts recover and only to have it all happen again in 5-10 years time. It’s so hard on us left behind.

I’m definitely better today my virus has cleared up so the sad self pity hormones have disappeared too. H is taking the kids interstate this weekend to his dads big bday bash. Originally it bothered me, all the family photos that will appear on social media by his family and I won’t be there. It’s a real nail in the final coffin but it is what it is now.
I have planned a night out with the girls and some quality time with some close family too. I am going to enjoy my break where all I have to worry about is me( and the dog)

I did mention to H the other day in my bumbling emotional state that I want to sit down and legally finalise everything. He was all over the shop saying he needs to work stuff out and come up with options etc. I don’t know how it can be so hard to just split everything sell the house and walk away which is my plan. He keeps saying he doesn’t want to sell and be the guy who leaves his kids on the street etc. I really don’t know what magical fairytale he has in his head of how this works but he’s not right.
Let’s see if he wants to sit and discuss when he returns. So much procrastinating for the mess he has created. I am just ready to rip that Band-Aid off and start to rebuild myself from the ground up without any financial ties to him( he lately whines about money and and not having as much in the bank as his older siblings who are much older and have adult kids and also one has gone through multiple divorces and cashed up) I want to be able to buy and spoil my kids and take them on holidays without having H be able to say a word and live my life with my kids.
I now know even if H and I are to reconcile we are such a long way off that I don’t want to waste my life waiting for the what if. It would need to be back to square one of dating once the alien disappears( if it does).
It’s funny how much clearer you can think once the emotions disappear

[Pattnee5]

I felt a bit like I was going against DB rules by re instigating the talk of sitting down and finalising legalities of the separation (ie finances , assets,house) but H is forever procrastinating and living in limbo. I wanted him to make all the moves so he lives his reality and mess but he could drag his feet and live in the limbo like now for ages ( or until the next trigger goes off that something annoys him). I am so torn if I sit and do nothing until he comes to me or if I keep pushing the table discussion🥴