That’s okay mate. Everyone here knows how you feel. The bit you’re at right now, I can honestly say was the WORST part for me too. Imagine a bell curve of pain. You’re right at the top now, which means two things - it’s not going to get any worse from this point, and it’s going to start getting easier. Think about how long it took to get to this worst part right now… it will take at least half that time for you to come back down the other side.
Your happy life on the other side - this, right now, needed to happen. Don’t fear it, because it’s allowing you to get to the next stage.
Don’t wave the white flag just yet… but just accept that what is right now, is.
So tomorrow, she pins you down and has a huge go about how her unhappiness and lack of travel and fun is all your fault. Yesterday, you probably broke, got emotional, let your emotions control your behaviour and words, and for all your own pain, tried to make it about you “Why are you doing this to me, can’t we try again, what if it’s different next time?”
She sees the same thing as the last few months. Same is bad. Nothing has changed, and she desperately wants change.
So this time you do this:
1. Validate. DON’T AGREE. “You’re right” is another nail in the coffin. You imagine you are her and you want the other person to understand how you feel. “Wow, if that was me, I’d feel like I’d missed out on so much right in the prime of my life. It would probably feel like such a waste, where I prioritised everyone else (husband, kids, family, job) at my own expense. Is that sort of how you feel?” And that’s it. Put yourself in her shoes, validate that she can and does feel how she does feel and then STFU.
2. Don’t hang around. Validate and leave, and leave to be going to do something fun and ATTRACTIVE. “I’m going hunting, I’m going mountain biking, m shopping for motorbikes, me and the guys are going to a bar, I’ve joined a basketball team.”
Don’t try and fix it. Don’t offer to send her on a holiday. Don’t tell her to travel. Don’t tell her it’s her fault for not saying she wanted to travel.
Walk out the door happy, busy, relaxed - with new clothes, new haircut and a sexy aftershave.
Every time you get emotional and demonstrate your attachment you give her a green light to continue the divorce. Women don’t divorce lightly, and it has lots of unknowns for their future security. The only way they are happy to blow up their own life is if:
a) they’re truly being batteries and abused, in which case any future no matter how unsure, looks better, or b) they’re pretty confident they can change their mind and waltz back in if their affair partner drops them or their MLC doesn’t turn out how they expected.
She’s not attracted to you rn, and she has a hell of an easy backup plan.
Time to increase your attractiveness and pull away the safety blanket.
