A quick caveat to my next post… I’m not known around here for being gentle. Sometimes people need a 2x4 to the head, and so this is just written in the hope it helps.
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Here is what I'm afraid of - that my W is having a PA and my marriage is over.
I’m sorry to tell you this, but your marriage is already over.
You’re on a divorce busting bulletin board. She or you sleeps on the couch. She’s losing weight at great speed, buying new clothes, you suspect at least an EA with another man and she’s told you she’s not in love with you.
Conceptually, you see a marriage that has 1% chance of saving and you identify that last 1% string holding it together as whether she’s having a PA.
What does that mean? Well you are terrified of that string snapping, and so you have everything hanging in whether she’s having or had a PA. To her, you look like a frightened little mouse hiding in the corner waiting for her boot to squish you and put you out of your misery.
You need to reframe this all.
Your marriage is done, finished, over. She’s unhappy, she’s looking external by getting fit and buying new clothes, she’s not sleeping in your bed, she’s not hiding it from the kids, and you can bet all her friends and family know she’s leaving. They are all major hurdles that stop someone from divorce, and from where I’m sitting, she’s already jumped over most of them.
You are placing so much emphasis on PA or no PA, that you’re a deer in the headlights to other major issues here. And really, what’s the difference between a full EA which you suspected in your first post and a PA which is exactly the same thing, except where there’s some P in V. There’s no difference to the long term success of a marriage whether it’s an EA or a PA.
Because you’re so afraid of PA and making it your deal-breaker line in the sand, you aren’t taking ACTION to become a strong and assertive and attractive man in her eyes. You should move into the main bedroom, but you’re afraid of her. If you move back in and she says “well I’ve been having a PA”, what changes? Nothing! She’s been having it anyway 🤷♂️
Are you afraid that she’s actually having a PA, or are you afraid of what that means you have to do if you find out?
That’s what is really going on here. You fear PA because it’s your line in the sand. You even said that on your second post.
You really need to drop the fear and the obsessing over PA.
Accept that your marriage in all practical terms is already over. Move back into the master bedroom. Stop fearing the one thing (losing her) that it appears happened 6-12 months ago.
Set about a rapid self improvement program (with professional help such as a DB coach or counsellor) where you prioritise: - self realised and driven happiness (rather than externally driven by her or your marriage status) - GAL activities (hobbies, desires, time spent alone doing things just for you) - physical fitness transformation - mental fitness transformation - a master of your own emotions and resilience
Get that pile of things in order, and you’ll be attractive to her once more (generally takes 3-5 years). That inevitably leads to one of three things: 1. She realises you’re attractive and you reconcile 2. She realises you’re attractive and wants you back but you don’t want to be with her any more 3. She keeps doing what she’s doing, never wakes up, but you’re happy in yourself
What you fear - it’s already happened.
Time to detach, stop living through fear and become a strong, resilient man and a lighthouse for your kids. Because what you are right now - she doesn’t want a part of it.
