“I would have stayed with you forever if you stayed true to your word.”
Love4Him is absolutely right, and very insightful for someone with only 8 posts.
You’re catastrophising again.
I absolutely am sure he forgave you nine years ago. He just wouldn’t have stayed around, and you would have noticed through his behaviours.
WAS/WS/MLC will use and say ANYTHING to placate their own guilt. If it hadn’t been that time nine years ago, it would have been something else. If you hadn’t had an affair nine years ago, it would be because you didn’t get paid enough in your job. And if you are really well paid, it would be because you work too much. And if you worked only two days a week and made really great money, it would be because you earn more than him and that makes him feel crap.
And if you only had one child, it would be because he always wanted two. And if you had two, it would be because you should have been more insistent about just having one.
I don’t know why you are entertaining this Pattnee. You stumbled. Fair enough, we get it, and obviously no-one on an anti-divorce bulletin board is going to endorse that. But you know what - you owned it, you apologised, and you went about building a life with him for nine years.
If he never got over that - that’s not your fault. He had the opportunity to say he was out, he had the opportunity to get help to get over it and start again. He doesn’t just get to bumble along playing happy family for nine whole years, decide to blow it up and just hang it on you.
Trust me when I say I know how much of an emotional roller-coaster divorce is. And I encourage you to keep coming here when you have these thoughts and feelings. But I really think you need professional counselling to deal with separating fact from him wanting to wash his hands of responsibility for this.
Despite what most internet women say these days, he’s not “gaslighting” you (ie deliberately making you feel guilty and turning it into a you problem).
In his mind he just genuinely believes that his current predicament must have been caused by someone external to him. If he was single and going through this MLC, he’d be blaming his employer or his upbringing at the hands of his parents or that one time he got bullied in primary school.
It’s simply thus - he needs a reason, and he’s found the easiest one he can think of.
You need to see a counsellor. Many employee assistance programs can provide help with this, and often your union can too. Alternatively in Australia, a GP can set up six free Medicare sessions with a psychologist. I think you’d really benefit from that - to identify what’s really going on with your husband’s blame game, and also to help you heal a bit more after your affair.
Oh and PS:
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he is carrying some deep down self hate as he too had an affair on his first wife in his early 20s and left her
Hammer meet nail. That’s exactly what’s going on here. I bet his MLC is triggered by self loathing over his own affair. He’s probably punishing you in the way he feels he should have been punished.
That’s how it reads form the cheap seats… but I’d also caution you that you can’t do anything about that. You can’t walk up to him and say “you’re doing this because you never healed from instigating your affair on your first wife”.
Not only is that a waste of time and going to start WW3, it’s imperative to remember you CAN NOT control or manipulate other people. All he will be able to see is you blaming him for your affair.
And so it all circles around to DB principles - the only person you can control and hold accountable - is you. He needs to simmer on his own.
In the meantime - you need some counselling! Good luck.
