what to do next..

[JosephS]

So you believe if you break them up she’s going to run back to you? What makes you think she won’t blame you for ruining the relationship with the “love of her life”?

It won’t work and even if she does she using you til she finds someone else and you’ll be right back here. There are no short cuts

[DnJ]

Good Morning Peter

If I gave her ultimatum like she has 2 weeks to end the affair else she must leave and after 2 weeks she would be still at home knowing I cannot legally kick her out then I achieve nothing.

Yep. An ultimatum like that would be impossible to carry out, thus it is hollow and best left out of the mix.

Also ultimatums do not gain what you are after in matters of the heart. You want W to want to be with you because she wants to, not be present because of threats or coercion or manipulation or such.

I am always trying to not take actions based on feelings but based on logic. But I have never been in such a situation before so it is new and full of emotions. All kind of emotions.

Understandable. Yes, plenty of emotions will be stirred up. All kinds of new feelings swimming about. And you, like everyone’s first go around, not ever having gone through such have no history of how to traverse it or survive it.

Focus on self. Listen to reason. Let your feelings flit and wash over you. Taking actions based upon your temporary emotional state usually leads to regrets.

It has to do with our mentality over here. Here usually men sort out affairs their way.. that means OM would be already beated up. And maybe also W.

I missed this while on vacation.

This just screams letting your feelings rule the day. True different places have different ideals, ideologies, standards of conduct, etc. Behaviours and actions that are permissible, acceptable, and even expected. You asked about success rates, I would wonder of the “true” success rate following such a mentality/action.

I’m a long game person, the primary goal being first self healing, along with a life long committed/recommitment to one another. Fighting begets fighting, and in my humble opinion does not foster a loving partnership.

it seems [OM] is insecure, jealous because she often had to assure him about her loyality etc.. So maybe letting time to do the job is not a bad idea…

Their illicit relationship is built upon lies and deceit, and that makes a terrible foundation. Staying out of their relationship is key. Your interference is like mortar to their toppling structure, it just takes their focus off their problems, and shifts it on to you, which helps them reinforce/ignore things for a while longer.

Realize doing nothing is doing something. Standing is not standing still. Focus on you. GAL. Move forward and heal.

I cannot push her furter into his arms because she is already there. Now they have a "crisis"..trust issues, jealousy. So when I decided to contact OM for a serious talk, my W and OM were scared so this could be a nail into the coffin of their R. I am not scared to talk to him but it seems he does not want any other problems on top of the ones they already have in their so called relationship. I will see in one week what my near future will look like..either D or my W returns back..

Any pressure from you will push W away. And where will she gravitate towards? OM’s arms.

Being a safe place for her to land, doing your own thing, not manipulating, emotionally under control, the grey rock, all influence W (and yourself). Just as much as pressuring her does.

You cannot push her into OM’s arms anymore than you can rip those two apart. Notice I said, W gravitates towards. She has freewill and will do what she will. Your control ceases at you - your thoughts, actions, and reactions.

A serious talk with OM is pointless. This situation cannot be talked out of. If W and OM’s relationship is so fraught with trust issues, jealousy, and such - and I agree it likely is for such is an affair - then let it die its own death. Affairs need to die from within. Don’t become part of their affair, or you’re going to be part of the dying/ending.

Look, they both entered into an affair because they lack mature, responsible, emotionally stable, outlooks on life. Let their problems fester, and blow up in their face. Stay clear of it all. You’ve only got to keep your side of the street clean, not fix W and her life/choices.

D

[PeterPan]

If their affair dies out naturally, there is also no guaranty she will run back into my arms. I have seen in the texts (she chatted with her old friend and btw he flirted with her and she liked it..wtf maybe some personality defect?), she was angry on the OM due to his morbid jealousy and it seemed she wanted to end it. So now she knows he is not shining knight. She also complained that she refused new job because of him, that she wanted divorce because of him and blah blah blah..So there is no guaranty that if she goes back like you said she will be using me until she finds someone better. I told her if she will not divorce me and goes back into marriage instead, that she must start putting effort into our marriage and not acting like roommate but putting real effort. If not or the affair will continue, or she gets into new one along the way, I will divorce her with the speed of heartbeat. And I mean it. She obviusly did not expect me to say something like divorce so she was in shock. Maybe finally reality hits her because so far she just played games with me. I will know on Sunday..

[PeterPan]

Hi DnJ, that's true I want her back despite the fact what she did to me but she does not love me nor respect me. Does not value me.. I am just provider for her at the moment. She is not attracted to me anymore. So first thing that must happen is that the affair is over and I have no guaranty that she jumps into another affair once this one ends.. I like very much the approach you propose and I have been doing/living it from January. But the more I read the texts in her cell phone the more I know about her thinking/next steps so its kind of strategic advantage for me. But yeah I told her that I want to talk with this OM who is just a junkie, morbid jealous scum (confirmed by different ppl who know him), and now she also knows/already experienced that..as a result there was an ultimatum for her to decide what to to do with the affair (she proposed one week), and I also told her that if she goes back and affair will still continue or there will be no effort being put into our M, then I divorce her. She clearly did not expect me saying that. Never ever so maby reality hit her already. I do not know what will be the result but I cannot take my words back. Regarding OM I would never attack him physically since this could cause a problems in future (custody, I am also gun owner), so I can control myself no worries. I think my W has some sort of personality defect because on one side she is madly in love with OM, promising him future together and eternal love and on the other end she flirts with her old friend...Once she enjoyed how cheating tastes, I am affraid that marriage will not give her satisfaction anymore...but it is too early to judge..

[JosephS]

Well…there’s not much to add to this than good luck.

[JosephS]

I do have something to add...


I understand the need to contact the OM, but it's counter productive to your goals, and really all it's gonna do is make you think you scared him, while he's laughing at you that night while on the phone with someone else.....

I can hear the anger in your typed words, and I get I do, the betrayal, the disbelief in her and even yourself, the frustration with the unknown. I get the need to re take control, but maybe we can explore a different route of taking control.

Take control of yourself...you've given her your ultimatum, but it doesn't look like you said when you'd file, so no rush. In the mean time, GAL life a mad man. Set up a schedule where your STBXW watches the kids. You enjoy your new found time. Go the gym, take lessons, could an instrument, a new language? Get new hobbies. Remember what attracted her to you to begin with, and compare that to how you are now. We are all allowed to change, but I'll be the first to admit I didn't dress as nice, I didn't shave as often, I didn't always wear cologne, I didn't always open her door, I stopped working out etc etc etc. Basically the old saying goes never stop dating your wife, and I did stop. I played my part on it ending, but not how it ended if that makes sense. This is the way you make her turn around and notice you.

Deep breaths.

[PeterPan]

Hi Joseph, you are right. I admit I reacted out of anger maybe because I checked the texts in her cell phone 2 days before. Probably I should stop doing that for the peace of mind. I also stopped dating her along the path due to known stressors but I admit that I failed to maintain the spark. Primarily it was my task as a husband and as a man. I did and am doing GAL and she noticed that but she as new "software" in her head right now so it is really hard to attract or somehow lure her back. Apparently she must go thru it on her own, hit the rock bottom and than maybe she realise that the grass is not always greener on the other side. She is now experiencing things she never experienced with me so she is biased and maybe thinks to herself that if she goes back everything would be as it was before. This OM shows affection, love-bombs her, declares eternal love everyday and she enjoys that. It is hard to prove that I am able to give her what she needs and fulfill all her secret needs as well because she built a wall. She is not attracted to me anymore so it does not make sense to write her "love letters" etc.. so yes the best approach would be doing GAL and all this stuff and maybe she realises along the path that I am the best catch for her. Or maybe I find someone else who will value me for what I am. Who knows.

[Pattnee5]

Hi Peter
It really is a horrible place to be in and we can all safely say we know the pain. The grief is a terrible thing and cycles like the moon. Sometimes we are ok and sometimes we are not and the emotional pull is in full force.Those days of emotional turmoil so stretch out and become less and less as you go through the process.
I think you need to remember everything takes time and just wake up each day and take it one day at a time. There’s no point thinking ahead to a week a month a year as the roller coaster has just begun.
One thing I strongly suggest which really helps me is to do 3 positive things for yourself each day. Of course we try and GAL every day but some days it doesn’t always fit into the plan. However 3 small positive things for yourself can really help you shift your mood. Mine can sometimes just be really simple like taking a bath, walking the dog, even just cuddling the dog on the couch at the end of the day with a cup of tea. Try not to waste all your unnecessary energy and time thinking about what W and OM are up to and I would honestly not bother with the messages. I think the less you know the better. These spouses of ours have made their beds and now have to live with it and it’s not up to us to be responsible for their actions and their fallout

[PeterPan]

Hi Pattnee5, thanks for your kind and uplifting words. Your are right, the roller coaster has just begun, and I cannot simply get out..

[Sunflyer]

I did and am doing GAL and she noticed that but she as new "software" in her head right now so it is really hard to attract or somehow lure her back. Apparently she must go thru it on her own, hit the rock bottom and than maybe she realise that the grass is not always greener on the other side. She is now experiencing things she never experienced with me so she is biased and maybe thinks to herself that if she goes back everything would be as it was before. This OM shows affection, love-bombs her, declares eternal love everyday and she enjoys that. It is hard to prove that I am able to give her what she needs and fulfill all her secret needs as well because she built a wall. She is not attracted to me anymore so it does not make sense to write her "love letters" etc.. so yes the best approach would be doing GAL and all this stuff and maybe she realises along the path that I am the best catch for her. Or maybe I find someone else who will value me for what I am. Who knows.

This is it 100%.

My sister was married to a man who had an affair with my sister's co-worker. He filed for divorce, apparently convinced that he had made a mistake marrying my sister.

Want to guess how that worked out for him?

You move forward (not the same as moving on). You sound like a fundamentally good man who has recognized his mistakes. If she wants to throw your marriage away despite that, then take your improved self to someone else who will appreciate you.

I know it is hard to control emotions, but as others have said, throwing ultimatums will not help. Let her build the bed she is going to lie in.