A little less lost? Pt 3

[Pattnee5]

One thing I should add is I have felt a bit of self guilt the last few days despite being really good and strong. I did get a bit teary over it and the fact that H still uses my infidelity 9 years ago and that his anger and resentment is because of that and he never forgave me and “if you stayed true to your word I would have stayed with you forever “. This was said not long ago and it does still sting a bit. I know I forgave myself and for years H led me to believe he had forgiven me too and ever he I d was rosy. So I am sure it’s only common but as my marriage is ending now and I’m mourning its loss, I still have those words in the back of my mind. I messed up bad, H led me to believe he forgave me for 9 years and now is using it as the sole reason for his departure.
I must say it’s very hard not to see saw and believe what they are saying when they say it and feel horrible. On the flip side I can see even if this is his truth and the truth, even if we rebuild and we’re to reconcile, I won’t ever live it down and it will always be held over me. I do wonder if it’s the MLC after all or if I just really broke his heart

Anyway I just wanted to vent because despite being ok and being strong and knowing we are done and over, I am still very broken hearted for what I did and causing this current state today and breaking the heart of the man I absolutely adored. It was a terrible terrible time for me and since then I have grown so much and learnt so much, but unfortunately too little too late when the damage is done