A little less lost? Pt 3

[Pattnee5]

Thanks Joseph I feel like I am finally coming out through the storm. I don’t even know when that moment happened that I realised I needed to let go. No matter how much all the experts kept telling me I still just clung on to saving saving saving. Then a few weeks ago it just flipped. I think possibly the defining moment was when H said he was contemplating a job overseas for 6-12 months, and still doesn’t feel any different and can’t see himself coming back home or holidaying with me.
I think I just went into overprotective mother mode and thought “ no way are you hurting my babies by running away”. I think it was my lightbulb moment and once it clicked I started to really think of all that has happened with a much more balanced mind and realised just how rubbish H has been and that he does not deserve me.

I think I am really starting to see what my true values are and what I want from my partner and what I deserve, and unfortunately H is a very long way off that now. It’s nice to feel like this after all the months of pain. My heart doesn’t physically hurt anymore, I need to mend my own wounded heart and I am. I don’t actually even want him to come home now. He is not good for me or my kids.

I was with D14 the other day and she was saying about how disappointed she is with her dad and how he won’t listen to her and stop drinking or get help. She said she likes it much better at home without him now and said “mum you would be an id**t to take him back now”
I think that really hit home to me that I hadn’t even looked at it from my kids eyes as I was too self absorbed in trying to “win” him over and back home. My kids are much more settled and calmer and in a great routine and I do anything for them without an eye roll or a grunt or stressing out.
I think another big thing is when our dear friend lost their 12yo daughter on the weekend. It really puts into perspective just how precious life is. And H must have some skewed perceptions of what he values. He is a middle aged man with a great job, great salary, house in a beautiful suburb with healthy kids and a wife that absolutely adored him and was prepared to fight to the ends of the earth for him. What more could you really want. I don’t think he will ever be truly happy anymore and I am done being dragged down with him.

The gym is certainly helping. And I try and do 3 positive things for ME every day. Even just as simple as running a bath and relaxing for an hour. Interactions with H no longer phase me I don’t have to act or do anything different I am just being me and treating him just like any other person.

In a way I want to instigate the talks of legal separation so I can start to move forward more with my life and not be locked in limbo where we are still sharing finances etc. I feel a bit captive with it, but ir will certainly mean the house will be sold. A clean slate and new beginning. H doesn’t look like he is in any rush to do anything as the worlds biggest procrastinator. It’s been 8 long months since BD for me.
I think I am really going to be ok now.