what to do next..

[DnJ]

Good Morning Peter

If I gave her ultimatum like she has 2 weeks to end the affair else she must leave and after 2 weeks she would be still at home knowing I cannot legally kick her out then I achieve nothing.

Yep. An ultimatum like that would be impossible to carry out, thus it is hollow and best left out of the mix.

Also ultimatums do not gain what you are after in matters of the heart. You want W to want to be with you because she wants to, not be present because of threats or coercion or manipulation or such.

I am always trying to not take actions based on feelings but based on logic. But I have never been in such a situation before so it is new and full of emotions. All kind of emotions.

Understandable. Yes, plenty of emotions will be stirred up. All kinds of new feelings swimming about. And you, like everyone’s first go around, not ever having gone through such have no history of how to traverse it or survive it.

Focus on self. Listen to reason. Let your feelings flit and wash over you. Taking actions based upon your temporary emotional state usually leads to regrets.

It has to do with our mentality over here. Here usually men sort out affairs their way.. that means OM would be already beated up. And maybe also W.

I missed this while on vacation.

This just screams letting your feelings rule the day. True different places have different ideals, ideologies, standards of conduct, etc. Behaviours and actions that are permissible, acceptable, and even expected. You asked about success rates, I would wonder of the “true” success rate following such a mentality/action.

I’m a long game person, the primary goal being first self healing, along with a life long committed/recommitment to one another. Fighting begets fighting, and in my humble opinion does not foster a loving partnership.

it seems [OM] is insecure, jealous because she often had to assure him about her loyality etc.. So maybe letting time to do the job is not a bad idea…

Their illicit relationship is built upon lies and deceit, and that makes a terrible foundation. Staying out of their relationship is key. Your interference is like mortar to their toppling structure, it just takes their focus off their problems, and shifts it on to you, which helps them reinforce/ignore things for a while longer.

Realize doing nothing is doing something. Standing is not standing still. Focus on you. GAL. Move forward and heal.

I cannot push her furter into his arms because she is already there. Now they have a "crisis"..trust issues, jealousy. So when I decided to contact OM for a serious talk, my W and OM were scared so this could be a nail into the coffin of their R. I am not scared to talk to him but it seems he does not want any other problems on top of the ones they already have in their so called relationship. I will see in one week what my near future will look like..either D or my W returns back..

Any pressure from you will push W away. And where will she gravitate towards? OM’s arms.

Being a safe place for her to land, doing your own thing, not manipulating, emotionally under control, the grey rock, all influence W (and yourself). Just as much as pressuring her does.

You cannot push her into OM’s arms anymore than you can rip those two apart. Notice I said, W gravitates towards. She has freewill and will do what she will. Your control ceases at you - your thoughts, actions, and reactions.

A serious talk with OM is pointless. This situation cannot be talked out of. If W and OM’s relationship is so fraught with trust issues, jealousy, and such - and I agree it likely is for such is an affair - then let it die its own death. Affairs need to die from within. Don’t become part of their affair, or you’re going to be part of the dying/ending.

Look, they both entered into an affair because they lack mature, responsible, emotionally stable, outlooks on life. Let their problems fester, and blow up in their face. Stay clear of it all. You’ve only got to keep your side of the street clean, not fix W and her life/choices.

D