Your are right. I am not 100% sure what to do. If I gave her ultimatum like she has 2 weeks to end the affair else she must leave and after 2 weeks she would be still at home knowing I cannot legally kick her out then I achieve nothing. I am pretty sure all the guys here who did file for D first expected theirs wifes to come back otherwise those guys would not be reading this forum. Not sure if this is also your case but I am curious if wifes ever come back afer man files for D first.
I am always trying to not take actions based on feelings but based on logic. But I have never been in such a situation before so it is new and full of emotions. All kind of emotions. I started healing process back in January where I did not know about the affair yet but had a gut feeling that something was not right. When she finally revealed her affair, I had a feeling that something deep inside suddenly died. I was speachless for two days, and after that suprisingly I was able to eat and sleep well again. So I have been working out, lost weight, improved outfit, reading books, doing my stuff and improving myself on every aspect to be able to move on with my life without her and to be ready to place myself on the "market" again. I am not affraid of loosing her because I have already lost her.. I do not have wife at the moment. She belongs to OM. Her body, her heart, her soul. Something that was solely mine. It's gone now. My life did not stop. It continues. I know I am way better than this OM. Not sure If I menioned but I figured out her cell phone pin (I am not proud of that though). So out of curiosity I have checked her conversation with OM and it seems he is insecure, jealous because she often had to assure him about her loyality etc.. So maybe letting time to do the job is not a bad idea I just need to swallow the fact that I am a cuckold at the moment..
But do you happen to know statistically which approach is better in terms of future possible reconciliation? What is the success rate for your approach?
I do not have statistics on the reconciliation rates, for any approach. And speaking of statistics, this site is a subset of the broader population. For those here that do reconcile, they may not come back and share that. Reconciliation takes work and time. Updates and postings require both of those as well, and one’s resources are finite.
My approach, which is not mine (lol), the approach I more propose is to heal thyself. To work on that which you can control - which is you.
A relationship takes two committed people. You are one. You can do your part, yet W still needs to step up. That is something beyond your control.
You become the best version of yourself. A man only a fool would leave.
Success rate: IMHO, my approach has near 100% success. You will be a success, regardless of martial status!
This healing path allows one to let go. To define success. True, deep, genuine success. Those deeply held beliefs and convictions. Life’s tenets.
It is counterintuitive at first. And frankly, I hated it when I was starting out. We are forced upon a path we didn’t want, nor choose. Yet, this is an incredible opportunity for self growth. It’s more than the mere silver lining of some dark terrible cloud. Honestly, it is a golden opportunity. Make the most of it.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Hi DnJ, I did not mean it literally that it is your approach. But I got the point. The more I think of this situation the more I am convinced that I will not file for D. From what I have seen in her cell phone, she is madly in love. She said he is man/love of her life and she wants to spend rest of life with him. It was very disturbing for me to read it. I do not know if she is saying that just due to limerence or if she really found her soulmate. But I see there is a patternt when I go back to the times we started dating she said, did the same things with me. And now she is saying that she did not truly love me, that we were in rush with our wedding (after 3 years of dating, where we lived together 2 years prior wedding lol). That basically she used me to help her out of her problems at that time. But I recall something different. She was madly in love with me, she wanted to marry me and she wanted kids with me.. True is that I never love bombed her like OM now. And yes I should open up more but all my caring, and I love you etc.. was genuine.. So I am convinced she will file for D soon since she cannot wait to be with him, but still says it is not due to him but I know she does not want to look like a bad guy who ruined family due to OM. Yesterday I was under pressure and told her if she wants to be with him than she is free to go, she just need to pack her stuff and go out if she wants. You know I work from home since covid lockdowns, so she can work on shifts. I take care of kids every day. I told her that starting from September/October I am planning to go to the office and work from there so she must find another job - more time friendly due to kids. She meets up with him at work so I told her I will not support nor create conditions where she can freely cheat on me everyday. I was patient all those months, did not push on her nor controll her and the only result it had, that she got more deeply in love with him and it pushed her away of me/family. It is just question of time when she leaves/files for D since they plan future together. I do not know what should happen in order for her to get the sanity back.. But also I have seen that OM is extremly jealous and there is a trust issue from his side. My W is also very jealous.. Anyway the die is cast. I see no chance for me to attract her back if she is deeply in love with him..My W has anxious attachment stile and this OM is a manipulator..I know that I am better option but if there is a pattern - obviously is, she will be in love with him for years (like my case), as long as he will be providing her what she needs. I need to move on with my life. I am still not healed completely but I believe the worst is behind me and unknown ahead of me.
Sorry to read this. If you go back and read the beginnings of my thread, for one month after she BD'd me, I did most of the things we are 'supposed' to do. I never brought up the relationship, did plenty of GAL and 180s, and acted completely 'as if' with what was going on. I don't doubt for a second that these approaches are 1000x better than being a whiny baby, begging them back.
But, in my case, W took all of those things I was doing as an indication of me being completely happy and on board with divorcing, so she pushed forward with the D even harder.
My point is, every sitch, while most are similar, is different. Which is why I recommended to expose the affair, put her stuff on the curb, and file for D. The guy also deserves to have his ass kicked too.
Does she know you saw those texts? Can you get in there again and take pics of them? It's doubtful, but they may help when it comes to alimony. Plus it gives you proof WHEN you expose the affair to her parents and WHEN you file for D yourself, that you're not the 'bad guy' for filing.
She is probably laughing at those 'boundaries' you gave her. Look, I know it's the hardest thing in the world to do for those of us in these situations. But if you want even a glimmer of hope for a bright future, be it with your W, another woman, or most importantly yourself and kids, you need to man up and take immediate, decisive actions.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
You are still trying to control her. You are openly admitting it with your back to work approach so she has less time to cheat. Also you aren’t going to accomplish much besides pushing them closer together. You are creating obstacles, but cheap ones that are easily overcame.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
Sorry to read this. If you go back and read the beginnings of my thread, for one month after she BD'd me, I did most of the things we are 'supposed' to do. I never brought up the relationship, did plenty of GAL and 180s, and acted completely 'as if' with what was going on. I don't doubt for a second that these approaches are 1000x better than being a whiny baby, begging them back.
But, in my case, W took all of those things I was doing as an indication of me being completely happy and on board with divorcing, so she pushed forward with the D even harder.
Peter,
Terapin's point underlines the two meanings of "divorce busting."
The first meaning, which is presumably what we all come here hoping to do, is saving a marriage.
The second meaning, which only becomes clear a little later, is mitigating the effect of a divorce on you, if it happens.
I have not been on this road too long, but I have come to appreciate the importance of both of these.
The DB mindset is good for you, your mental health, and your future. My situation is not quite the same as Terapin's, but my attitude at this point is to keep learning and improving for ME and my personal future because the hard reality is that, barring the earth shifting on its axis or something, my marriage is toast. The ship is going down, but I'll be damned if I don't have a lifeboat.
If you haven't already noticed, so many cases here are similar. Although I haven't confirmed an affair, I relate to your experience of your relationship history being rewritten. People bailing on marriages do this often, so that they can justify their actions and make you seem like you're the whole problem.
Do not give up hope. But remember that hope requires a plan to move toward what you want. Hope is not what most people think it is, just waiting around thinking things might get better. And you also need plan B in case they don't get better at all.
Just my $0.02.
Me 59 W 47 T 26 M 23 S18, S14 BD May 2023 D filed June 2023 OM1 confirmed: December 2023 OM2 confirmed: October 2023
Hi Terapin, I did also those thinks like you (GAL, did not bring up the relationship, 180s..) but all those things just pushed my W and OM closer together. But true is that it helped me to get back on track with my life and sanity. She does not know that I can get in and read the texts. I took few pics of them already. The OM is extremly jealous and there is a big trust issue, as far as I could see in the texts. Yesterday I decided to call this OM because I wanted to talk to him (just talk, no beating lol). He did not pick up so I sent him a sms where I stated who I am and that I want to talk to him with like man vs man and that the show is over now and my patience is gone. He did not reply but re-sent it to my W. She called me than and asked what I want to tell him etc.. she kept protecting him as expected. I told her that its not her business what I want to tell him. She begged me for one more week so she can make up her mind about this situation. I said OK you have one week. I expect two scenarios. Either she dumps him or he dumps her (he seemed scared, jealous, and pissed off because he wants more and this situation does not suit him well since he is hiding himself like a rat), or she files for D. I know it's kind of controlling, but I did not want to wait passivly so I took this route. My so called boundaries.. so far it seems my W follows them, of course she is unable to switch off her feelings towards OM..
Yes your are right. It seems so.. I cannot push her furter into his arms because she is already there. Now they have a "crisis"..trust issues, jealousy. So when I decided to contact OM for a serious talk, my W and OM were scared so this could be a nail into the coffin of their R. I am not scared to talk to him but it seems he does not want any other problems on top of the ones they alraedy have in their so called relationship. I will see in one week what my near future will look like..either D or my W returns back..
