A little less lost? Pt 3

[DnJ]

Good Morning Patt

You did awesome. Well done.

…I could have done things a million times better like maybe leave the house it actually didn’t phase me at all being there and I felt quite indifferent toward him.

Nope. You don’t have to leave your house when someone come to visit.

…by the time he left the switch flipped right at the moment he had to walk out the door

You didn’t flip his switch. H flipped his own switch.

S then was getting a bit crazy like all 12yo boys and wanted to do some dance moves and wanted me to help which I did and we had a great laugh and dance around the living room. H standing back smiling observing the scene in front.

Lovely. A wonderful family and moment.

I’m sure H enjoyed it too. Living in that world again, for a moment or two. Then, he “had” to leave. Of course, he has difficulty accepting responsibility for his decisions so he projects and blames upon you. And got mad and lashed out, at you. Well, maybe more at the situation.

…and some anger came out toward me just a snarky comment about having no choice and he had to leave and couldn’t kick me out and he’s living in a rubbish place with no fridge

He is mad at having to leave. Living without a fridge. Residing in a rubbish place.

Hmmm. Nothing about Pattnee in that.

Further hmmmm. Perhaps H had a glimpse that you aren’t the cause/reason for his unhappiness.

Of course, he still was snarky. Emotional turmoil and all. Still, a rather positive interaction methinks. And handled really well be you, by not jumping at his bait. Indifference and self control on your part. Well done girl.

you know how I feel about you and about us and that I want to make it work

This could have been better. Understandable given the sudden switch flip at the door and catching you off guard. Pretty sure, looking back you see how this is a relationship talk and not validating his “angry kick myself due to a lack of a fridge” feelings.

That being said, I’m not sure that validating would’ve been my doorway reaction either. Probably more a truth dart. “Yes, I’d not like having warm beer cause of no fridge either. Have a good night.” <Closes door>

I do think maybe I need to put my foot down about drinking around me anymore as I am done being the human punching bag when the anger comes out. I just don’t know how to say it nicely without basically calling him an angry drunk.

any constructive nice sentences I can use about setting the boundary about not drinking around me.

I think what you said above is pretty good.

“H, I do not wish to be around you when you have been drinking. I feel like a human punching bag when your anger comes out. Therefore, if you are drinking I will not see you.”

Regarding fear of stating such a boundary. Drop the fear. Drop the expectation of reprisal or some such. It’s odd how we expect the worst. Why do we not expect H would agree with you?

That’s another problem with expectations, there are more ways to miss an expectation (both positive or negative expectation) than meet it. Rather, hope H see the wisdom in such a statement, and just deal with whatever happens.

That’s kind of being fearless in a nutshell. Don’t fret on what might happen, just deal with what does happen.

Have a great day.

D