Been a while since I posted. I think posting and being on the forum tended to make me overthink things and over-analyze my situation, so I gave it a break for an attempt at mental clarity.
To update things - was living in a de facto IHS situation with an MLC wife who was definitely up to no good on some level. She was making very little $ while finishing a second degree that would pave the way for her to earn more. Three kids at home, two stepkids (hers) in college. She would make nebulous references to leaving but never really advanced things.
In mid-March, I busted up the affair she was having. It was counter to DBing and leaving her to her own devices, but I just got tired of it. There had been a slow trickle of information and finding things out, partly from a tranche of iPhone "Notes" that transferred from her phone to our son's when he got a new one (same Apple ID). Anyway, I saw her location one day when she was supposed to be at work and tracked her to a motel, where I confronted the guy as he left and said I was going to fill his wife in on all the details. Honestly, in spite of how my actions would probably go against all advice offered on here, I just needed to know. I don't regret it.
It was all surreal and almost felt like something out of a movie. I kicked her out of the master bedroom for what amounted to about two weeks before relenting somewhat, partly due to talking with a co-worker whose spouse had also had an affair. Got STD tested just to be sure. W elected to stay out of the master bedroom with me on her own for the most part. She filed a motion for child support through the court in April, which she claimed was only to get us access to free mediation and "get the ball rolling." I made my second lawyer visit at this point, where he said her court filing made no sense since we weren't separated.
In mediation (mid-May), we talked about things that might apply but were only theoretical at that point. I didn't like her proposed child visitation schedule and we didn't really get anywhere when discussing the house. She still had not gotten a job when the actual July court date approached, so we went to one more mediation session and then she dropped the petition. There was a point in late May when she had resumed sleeping in the master bedroom with me, which has continued to this day.
The affair guy clearly panicked and called things off that day. He lives an hour away and would be in town here once or twice a month. W definitely had withdrawal and would say things to me like "You thought I'd run right back to you after you broke this up," "I'll never forgive you for this," and "Why did you show up that day?" Those "arguments" slowed down over the months since March but would still come up occasionally, tipping her hand that nothing had resumed (she's not a good enough actress to manufacture that). I'm just adding a touch of context here; I don't trust her at all and I'm not claiming victory that she's now faithful again.
We still largely lived a life resembling IHS, which of course isn't fun. Bedroom stuff occurred at a lesser frequency but still took place. A couple weeks ago, she finally got a full-time job (ironically enough, a few days after withdrawing the court petition). A couple days ago she notified me that she'd scheduled another mediation session. I'm not court-mandated to go to this one, but I will. She seems to be singing a different tune about our house and appears willing to move out to start the real separation process. I still had designs on her emerging from MLC (not sure of whatever timeline I may have envisioned) but it may be time to move on at this point. She appears to be menopausal or perimenopausal (at 44, which seems young) with irregular periods and frequent hot/cold changes. She's probably a poster child for going nuts at this point in her life.
I'm not sure how hard to play the house card - she said a realtor said we could sell the house in a week flat and at a price that would net both of us a decent sum. Supposedly, she has designs on a townhouse rental for herself that would come open mid-September. As of now I'm inclined to say I'm not leaving the house right before school starts for the kids. If we didn't start the separation clock until she formally moves out in September, I could certainly claim rights to not leaving the house before next June, no? A lot to process. Also, would she forfeit any of her say in the house if she moves out and only pays rent on her new place, while I continue to pay the mortgage myself? I'm sure the mediator would help her with this question if it comes up but I was wondering.
Hopefully some familiar folks will chime in as I've always appreciated the words and advice on here.
