A little less lost? Pt 3

[Sunflyer]

It sounds like you're still getting caught up at times with the what it's & trying to analyse why H is so very different than he was. I did LOTS of this a few months ago and it always resulted in more pain for me. It is the most bizarre thing to witness someone doing things that was against their very core the whole time you knew them. This is precisely why it becomes impossible to analyse & once you start that questioning, you are just reinforcing the thoughts meaning that they will come back more readily next time. You can't possibly come up with a definitive answer why, none of it makes sense. Just keep reminding yourself that the current H is not someone you want to be with. When you grieve, you are likely grieving for your old relationship, not the new H.

...


My reframe at the minute is that the affair happened for a reason. I always felt that but previously thought it was to make us both put more effort into the relationship. I now think that a higher presence knew I would never leave H and it has given me an opportunity for a happier life. I think I could have that with H again in the future but not until he does the same work I have in becoming more independent, confident in himself and responsible. You sound like an amazing woman Pattnee, YOU are the catch here & deserve such more than the crumbs H is offering.

I love this advice from MA, and I am taking it on board as well.

I won't close the door on a future R with my W, but I won't stand around waiting for her to walk through that door. Everything I've gone through has taught me that there are things I will and will not accept in an R in the future. I have come to realize that there are things I wanted from our M that I wasn't getting, but I put them on the back burner because I wanted to support my W's ambitions and happiness. If we patched things up, she would air her grievances and want them addressed. Guess what; I would do the same.

I think my W would be a bit surprised if she knew everything about the work I am doing to build a better future for myself, and how far my plans have already gone in that regard.

I think we are all amazing people. We are all catches for someone. I lived with a father who was not a positive person. He viewed everyone through the lens of the worst thing they had done. I see things differently. People can be far more than the sum of their mistakes and shortcomings.