A little less lost? Pt 3

[Pattnee5]

It sounds like you're still getting caught up at times with the what it's & trying to analyse why H is so very different than he was. I did LOTS of this a few months ago and it always resulted in more pain for me. It is the most bizarre thing to witness someone doing things that was against their very core the whole time you knew them. This is precisely why it becomes impossible to analyse & once you start that questioning, you are just reinforcing the thoughts meaning that they will come back more readily next time. You can't possibly come up with a definitive answer why, none of it makes sense. Just keep reminding yourself that the current H is not someone you want to be with. When you grieve, you are likely grieving for your old relationship, not the new H.

Time - you know I witter on about this but it truly is your best friend. I love the timeline DnJ gave for any potential recoupling with his ex. It is exactly the same as I had planned when I thought I wanted H back (& on the 2 occasions he said he wanted to come back!). I figure H is a complete mess (both yours and mine!).

Hi MA I always love hearing from you and especially because you are a few steps ahead of me on this journey. I wish I lived closer to give you a hug (Australia here).
You are very right I am certainly wasting alot of mental energy thinking and overthinking his actions and what’s happened and your are so right it’s drained me. Today I decided to re direct my mind every time I went to think or analyse something I kept telling myself “ not worth the energy”. Especially knowing he too is not wasting the same effort or energy like I am. It certainly is very one sides the effort and has been for months and I can see that now. I am def grieving the old H the old relationship.

I am not sure what DnJ timeline was but would love to hear it

I think I am actually better than I am even during my emotional times. I too am like you and don’t want this version of h back and I think he would know that. My H would need a massive overhaul too in order to repair the damage, sort himself out and regain any ounce of trust from me again due to all the passive aggressive comments and disrespect I have received. I am nobody’s doormat.
I thought to myself I am only 41, do I really want to waste potentially the next few years running myself into the ground “waiting “ for H to get himself sorted out. Then once that does happen ( potentially like you said a good 12-18 months of IC which he’s refused) it would take me a long time to re-trust him and rebuild a new relarionship( that old one died at BD). That’s a very long and exhausting process and I will forever live with the fear of this happening again when he has his later midlife crisis 10 years down the track because he hasn’t gotten to the root of his issues.

Or do I now dust myself off, pick myself up, make myself whole again and move ahead with the kids, rebuild our lives, live not under the cloud of someone who is full of his own issues and guilt, and give my kids the best years of their lives Doing what I want when I want without an anchor weighing me down.

Right now option 2 looks great ( despite the wounded heart)

Time will certainly be my friend and one day at a time. I’m sorry for my see saw emotions. I know it’s a process. Got another Ic session in a week, I am trying to do 3 positive things a day for me and the kids ❤️