Hi Pattnee, I'm just adding my thoughts. You know I'll put a caution next to them that I don't have the experience of DnJ, Kind & many others but I wanted to comment. Firstly big hugs and a reminder thst you are doing great. You will have up days and down days, that's perfectly normal when grieving a loss. Its important you allow yourself to feel the emotions, they're not going anywhere at the minute and to try and suppress them is likely to do more harm than good.
It sounds like you're still getting caught up at times with the what it's & trying to analyse why H is so very different than he was. I did LOTS of this a few months ago and it always resulted in more pain for me. It is the most bizarre thing to witness someone doing things that was against their very core the whole time you knew them. This is precisely why it becomes impossible to analyse & once you start that questioning, you are just reinforcing the thoughts meaning that they will come back more readily next time. You can't possibly come up with a definitive answer why, none of it makes sense. Just keep reminding yourself that the current H is not someone you want to be with. When you grieve, you are likely grieving for your old relationship, not the new H.
Time - you know I witter on about this but it truly is your best friend. I love the timeline DnJ gave for any potential recoupling with his ex. It is exactly the same as I had planned when I thought I wanted H back (& on the 2 occasions he said he wanted to come back!). I figure H is a complete mess (both yours and mine!). My door is closed to potential R at the minute but never say never in the future. The work H would have to do though is significant & would take at least 12-18 months of IC. My choice at present is not to hang around waiting to see if this happens. There is nothing to say we won't connect in years to come but when you detach & let go of that old relationship before MLC hit, you start to see the cracks that led to it.
My reframe at the minute is that the affair happened for a reason. I always felt that but previously thought it was to make us both put more effort into the relationship. I now think that a higher presence knew I would never leave H and it has given me an opportunity for a happier life. I think I could have that with H again in the future but not until he does the same work I have in becoming more independent, confident in himself and responsible. You sound like an amazing woman Pattnee, YOU are the catch here & deserve such more than the crumbs H is offering.
