A little less lost? Pt 3

[Pattnee5]

Thanks D that’s what I thought about not doing the heavy lifting. This is all his doings and I feel he needs to be instigating things so he lives with these choices. Unfortunately we will need to sell assets and the house once he initiated the process. So for now I will just sit and wait. He runs very hot and cold. He’s still overseas for work and I think only texted the kids once or twice from what they have mentioned In passing comment. Nothing toward me but I suspected that from his silly comment before he left . Still baffles me a man who absolutely doted on his kids in the past to not really give them much thought.
Generally I am doing ok. I wouldn’t say one way or the other. I’ve still had some sad days this week. I think my mind is getting the better of me with the “what if”. I know it’s bad and I need to push those thoughts out. Still been getting out and going to the gym, working, walking the dog, having lots of friend and family around.Kids are none the wiser and loving all the social side of people being around and chatting etc.

I do a lot of thinking at night which doesn’t help( the lack of sleep isn’t great). As I mentioned a while ago I finally forgave myself for my infidelity 9 years ago and mistakes when I was younger. Reminder this was something H threw at me at BD 7 months ago. My father did tell me even if I had never done anything like that, we would likely be in the same position today regardless, and he would have just found something else as an excuse. The pain is still so real though, I think what hurts the most is how for quite a while obviously he held in all his issues and frustrations and then they just boil over to BD and he refuses to even want to attempt to fix things. I think the lack of even wanting to try is the hardest part.( and very out of character). I think I would have taken this separation a lot better if everything he did he was still within his normal character I think it’s easier to accept. However the way he currently is, it’s so left field for him, it’s a harder pill to swallow as you know they are desperate for help and you feel you can’t give up on them just because everyone else has and they even have on themselves. One thing I have noticed in the last few months is Hs memory isn’t great(even if he’s not drinking on that day). I don’t know why I care so much for someone who has caused me so much pain the last 6 months and said so many hurtful things( I think I am just resilient to his words like water off a ducks back because that’s not him and his real character ) .

I know I’m still internally struggling ( however I put on a pretty good act for my kids and around people).
I know H the way he is now is not good for me and my kids lives. I think deep down he knows that too but it’s obviously too hard for him to mentally do any work on himself. The ego will play a big part too now. A solid marriage is built on openness and communication and he did neither of those things doe a good part of a year while he was brewing and planning BD.
He’s so far down this rabbit hole he could never lower his pride and sword and admit defeat for fear of what everyone will say. It’s a sad mental state to me in to be honest. Everyone keeps telling me one day he will wake up and realise je has made a huge mistake. I too myself feel it. I think that’s why I am so resistant to giving up so easily. Although I know too that the actual effort it’s
Going to take from both of us is going to be enormous and long and nothing will be rosy for a long time, I question myself too “do I really want to go years of this misery and difficult state” with no real rewarding feeling for a long time. What a see saw I am of emotions

Sorry I am rambling I just need to vent. I will end on a positive. Had a great conversation and laugh at the gym with a guy. Felt good to laugh again and even be looked at. Also had a friends brother pass on some compliments too via my friend. So it certainly felt nice (not that I am the type of person who craves that validation because I am very sure of myself as a person) I’m in no way shape or form even wanting to entertain the idea of even a rebound at the moment. It’s the furthest thing from my mind. I don’t even want to go down that path while my heart still feels so tied to H.

Everyone keeps telling me Time. I tell you I have learnt the true meaning of patience. I still feel silly some days for crying. For meltdown moments. I keep thinking why am I wasting so many years on someone who is just so broken. Just when I think I’m ok and doing better, the thoughts come in. I know it’s grief and trauma even, and I’m cycling through all stages on a daily basis.
I just keep telling myself to just keep moving