COVID Catastrophe

[DnJ]

Hello te

(((Hugs)))

Hang in there girl.

R had been in an adult day program but during COVID, was pulled out because of infection issues in the facility.

When can R return to the adult day program? I think it would be beneficial to R and you as well.

I've made a lovely home for him and our boys and this is their place to be welcomed and loved and taken care of BUT it's not that way for me. I made the home for them but their needs take precedence over mine. Our couples therapist observed that I've been protecting C and our children for YEARS but no one is protecting me, not even ME. That is something I am working on--protecting myself and it's tougher than I imagined.

You’ve got to look after yourself first. As hard as that is, it’s true. Like in an airplane, if the masks drop you put on your own oxygen mask first before helping others. (Of course, this, like most of life, is not simply that black and white. However, overall you must make you your priority for if you fall ill or injured, then you cannot help.)

Being the Lighthouse, guiding him with my light through choppy and rough waters. The Lighthouse is always there--and I am struggling with that right now--but when you've ALWAYS been the Lighthouse, always been there, waiting and waiting--I often call myself the "Lady-in-Waiting"--it's difficult to continue when it's never been acknowledged or appreciated and now suddenly, "not needed." But the Lighthouse remains, always there and always faithful and that's me, always faithful when C hasn't deserved my faithfulness.

A 180 for you: Stop being a “Lady-in-Waiting”. You are not of lower rank, nor serving some noblemen. You are a strong women of 68 years old. How do I know you’re strong? You are looking after home and hearth, and three kids. Two with needs that would tax anyone’s fortitude.

You’ve got the shine, no doubts there. Now, be the lighthouse. Realize a lighthouse isn’t there, focused upon one ship, trying to steer it safely through the rough seas. That job is the captain’s! C is captain of his ship. You provide the light, he chooses to follow it or crash on to the rocks.

A lighthouse has strong foundations and can withstand plenty of storms. That foundation is your deeply held convictions and beliefs. Realize standing for a marriage is not standing still. Keep moving forward in life, and let C catch up.

A lighthouse, a DBer, is not affixed in time and space remaining looking for their lost spouse. We are affixed to our foundations and strengths and values. And those underpinnings are always there supporting and feeding one’s light. We look and move forward, and simply shine.

You being faithful is because of you, not because of H. And faithfulness has nothing to do with C deserving or not deserving it. You are faithful because you deserve it. You are worthy. It’s a conviction of your’s, part of what makes you tick.

My advice for you here would have been to go and make your plans with your friend after the first attemp. I wouldn’t even follow up with a second attempt. If H reached back out to you a few days later just says” sorry I made other plans”. It isn’t a good feeling being “on hold” for someone. It will drain you eventually. It drained me. It’s the whole GAL and 180. Turn the tables and make him chase you again instead of waiting around for him. I think the aliens need to suffer a bit considering what they put us through. Even though I know my H is still in there buried, I don’t want the glimmers anymore. I want him back whole or nothing at all. I deserve more I deserve better and so do you teteme. We shouldn’t be someone’s second thought.

Excellent advice by Patt! I agree with her.

(Well said P.)

I mentioned I've also been doing research--when I can't sleep--about forgiveness. I mentioned that many high powered medical schools (Harvard, UCBerkley, Johns Hopkins, Mayo Clinic) all have done studies on forgiveness and the benefits of forgiveness. Then he said what baffles me: he's terrified of coming home, even stopping by.

The spouse is very often scared and fearful of returning. Guilt, shame, remorse, and such weigh heavy upon their mind and soul. Deeds done, choices made, and consequences, are difficult to face. Often they project these, project their feelings and failures upon us, the LBS.

I’d suspect C to have a deep trepidation of being judged and being himself not forgivable. You see, it’s not your forgiveness he desperately needs, it’s his.

And that path he needs to walk on his own. He needs to fix himself, himself. You cannot do it for him.

I said I didn't understand because our home was created with love, a collaboration between us of love and what we like and love and things that make us and our boys happy and he just looked at me with tears in his eyes. I changed the subject because I truly don't know what he meant.

Relationship talks or discussions are a minefield to navigate. I realize that the counsellor has such discussions with you two, and I’d likely leave such things to that time.

When/if H brings up stuff like this, validate his feelings. C’s journey is emotionally driven, and he (and his demons) just wants/needs to be heard and acknowledged more than anything really.

I totally get bring up your loving home and the kids and the love; and it pushed H away. It’s counterintuitive, bringing up such home and love talk will have the opposite effect you are after. At least for a good long while anyhow.

The other thing is to let H lead. Let him bring up stuff as he feels emotionally ready to. I know, it’s like you’re talking to a child, and in some/most ways you are when dealing with C about this stuff.

Validating H’s feelings keeps you from furthering R talks. It lets him lead the conversation to where he is willing to go, which is what you are wanting to know about.

One more thing, do not vent or share your feelings with H. His emotions are cranked to eleven and he cannot handle anybody else’s feelings. I know, totally unfair this path of the LBS.

The tears in his eyes from reminders of past life and love, most difficult for him. C is living in two worlds: his fun responsibility-free 5 month lease, and you and the kids and his job and the house. As a crisis consumes one, they struggle to resolve their double living.

“he's terrified of coming home, even stopping by”

Next time, and I’m pretty sure there will be a next time, validate. Just validate, not try to fix or resolve for him. Just let him know you have heard him.

“Oh, that sounds stressful for you when you come over.”

“I’m sorry you feel like when stopping by.”

Usually, a little validation will lead to some furthering of conversation.

I think this might help explain C’s anger at being bothered, his demanding you look after house and kids while he is away, and unfortunately, his present inability (more than unwillingness IMHO) to hear and move forward regarding your rape and sexual assault. He is emotionally stunted from when he was traumatized and needs to grow up from then.

Give H time and space.

Give C to God and let Him work upon him.

I am trying, boy am I trying, to hold it together.

Breathe. Just breathe.

Day by day. Hour by hour. Heck, even minute by minute when you need to. Lord knows I watched many an hour pass, by the second hand. During the worst of it, I made it through one minute, then started another. Those were some very bad times.

Stay strong, and hang in there my friend.

D