You have a way of crystallizing things Kind. Think I should get a motorbike and ramp up the intensity of my training. I had a great dr visit today - reviewed my bloodwork and blood pressure with the nutritionist and internist. Bloodwork all excellent. It’s encouraging and reinforcing to go for it more and live my best.
I have been hiking, dancing, playing tennis but I want to build some more muscle and get leaner. Got a big bag of oats. Eating a lot of fruits and vegetables. I love steaks and I grill my fair share but going for more fish and chicken. And beans and seeds and nuts.
Was out at my sons baseball game tonight with youngest son and my family including my 85 yr old dad who still works out and works a bit and my mom who has a razor sharp wit and who also still works a bit. They are the happiest and kindest people I know.
I hope I’m starting to turn the corner and hit my stride in the right direction.
So I had therapy today as well- forgot about that really enjoyed the full day. Talked about what is sustainable for me for the near future where I need to focus my energy and time. Discussed if I do this well, the unsustainable will become evident.
So zeroing in on what needs my focus and attention, R2C, Joseph, Kind et al you are helping me calibrate my sites.
Celebrated youngest S’s birthday here at our home. Had a wonderful party with a guest list that he compiled: his siblings, my parents, his uncles and aunts from both sides, a few of his close friends and MIL.
After guests had left, S told me, “I have things to say, but I think I need to be quiet and think,” then after I said, “ok,” he began to thoughtfully express his appreciation for me and his home and the party with people important to him.
I had quiet tears and gave him a hug.
W has been video calling, texting and emailing almost every day over the last week while she is away, sending selfies and other photos. There had been no contact either way for the first week. I have responded on rare occasions but not . For example, she asked for photos from the birthday party saying, “So fun. Wish I was there ☺️,” and I sent a few. She said, “Looks like a really wonderful party. You are brave to have all of those people over!”
I replied, “It was wonderful full of so much love.”
W video called (I didn't answer) and also texted earlier in the week acknowledging what I am doing caring for S and said, “I wanted to make sure you’re okay and see if you wanted to talk about it at all.”
I responded after 24 hrs by text, “thank you we are all doing very well.” Shortly thereafter she video called while S and I were driving in the car. S accepted the call and had a conversation with her. She told him about her trip. Mentioned a girlfriend who is on the trip with her (news to me) and some of the food and activities. W asked S how he is doing and he gave her an update basically saying he is doing great. She said hello to me and I said hello. W also asked S to show me photos she had sent to him. He did that later.
She texted me after and said “I’ll talk to you guys later. Have a fun day. 🥰”
I’m checking in here for some perspectives and guidance, DnJ, Kind, R2C, Joseph, and also thinking about you P5 with your H away on his holiday. This adds up to a lot of emotional turbulence for me and I’m managing ok. Staying focused following the plan for me.
I’m processing that this is a time for me to be cautious and stay within what limits are reasonable for me. For example, that was a lot of family and social for the party etc. and I need to continue GAL.
I’m checking in here for some perspectives and guidance, DnJ, Kind, R2C, Joseph,
Best thing to do is reflect on every interaction with W and determine how well you behaved in line with your DBing goal behaviors.
You can also step out of your yourself and peer into the interactions. Would an outsider see that she has more respect for you? Did her attraction increase of decrease? You can ask yourself 10 more questions like this.
My 2 cents: Since your posts are still bringing up W, you are not fully DBing. You are well out of triage.
As far as guidance, someone here recommended you need a girlfriend. I would change this to "the skills" to get a girlfriend. Then, you need skills to keep a girlfriend. Before that, you need skills to walk away from women.
One skill to practice here is to not bring up your W. Talk about Rock. The more specific, the better. Examples: "I met two new people this morning. I made one of them laugh."
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I get that R2C. I had been refraining from bringing up W here but I am wanting to come here and talking about this stuff instead of keeping it to myself and impulsively acting out emotionally.
I was dealing well with W’s absence and focusing and following through on my path. And now I have been finding W’s contact to be intrusive and potentially destabilizing for me. Therefore I am doing what it takes to stay on my path. Following though on my clarified values.
Reflecting on the interactions I have had with her while she’s away, what I’ve been doing well: 24-48 hr rule responding when it makes sense for me when I’m ready and when it’s important STFU Acknowledge and validate others emotional state No R talks no pressure not initiating GAL
Not so well: I’ve been experiencing some emotional distress at W’s contact and having some challenges disciplining my mind and choosing my thought track and influencing my own well being - actually as I this that out maybe I’m doing this pretty well.
As far as working on those skills without getting a gf, R2C, I have been doing that. Yes with the party etc that has been appropriately intensive with family, guests etc with focus on S22 - btw didn’t bring W at all in those settings and circles. But I got right back to focusing on Rock, GAL with new friend group : mixed of various ages and yes being friendly and fun and walking away from W not giving the signal that I want to date. Community health for me. And social skills.
Glad your son had a good party. Always a blessing to be there. I’m just gonna take your last 2 post point by point.
#1. She says “so much fun wish I was there”…Rock you realize this is lip service? She planned a trip that purposely missed the birthday. No she didn’t wish she was there or she would have been. She was exactly where she wanted to be.
#2. So many people=unnecessary chit chat.
#3. Has anyone heard this “female” friend that was news to you on the video call? We sure we shouldn’t be taking the fe part out of that word?
#4. She not concerned about your child with special needs, she concerned about you. That right there tells us all you aren’t as ok as your want us to believe.
Rock I’ve alluded to this before, I really believe you use the special needs to keep contact more often than necessary. If it was that dire than why is she leaving for a month? And if it is that dire, why are you trying to fix a relationship with a woman who doesn’t seem to much care it’s dire?
I honestly believe your wife thinks you guys are friends and has been placating you through a lot of this.
Do you have a history of self harm or threats of self harm?
As for advice, don’t talk to her again while she’s gone. I can almost guarantee she’s on a trip with another man, and even if she isn’t it doesn’t change the fact there’s nothing to talk her about. She can converse with her children just fine without you. As a matter a fact I suggest you tell her to stop sending you anything.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
Thanks Joseph I appreciate the input. Yes I totally get that she made her choice about this trip. And I have to assume it’s with OM. The female friend’s name that W mentioned is someone I know to be her friend but I had not been aware that friend was travelling with W but whatever.
I don’t understand point #4. Her checking in to see how I’m doing is new (since BD that has been exceptionally rare).
You said, “Rock I’ve alluded to this before, I really believe you use the special needs to keep contact more often than necessary. If it was that dire than why is she leaving for a month? And if it is that dire, why are you trying to fix a relationship with a woman who doesn’t seem to much care it’s dire?
I honestly believe your wife thinks you guys are friends and has been placating you through a lot of this.”
So that is true that I did accommodate more contact than I wanted with W in the fall and winter and I justified that because of S’s unique care needs and out of respect and honor of their relationship. I decided to change that approach shortly after I decided to stop facilitating family togetherness with W.
Now I am being more consistent in necessary communication only. And leaving W’s R with that S up to her as I have been doing with regards to our other young adult kids.
I have no history of self harm nor threats. W has done that to me however on occasion since BD.
