In the beginning each and every one of us is hanging on for dear life, hoping and praying the MLC spouse will make it through and return to us.
It’s perfectly normal to start out hanging on for dear life. One’s world just totally flipped upside down, of course you’re going to hang on. Up is down, left is right, we’re free falling; and we grab on to anything and everything.
Eventually you find ground again. Some is “new” ground, and some is “old” ground. This footing, this foundation, this grounding, provides balance and stability to our new lives.
Originally Posted by Love4Him
I know that shouldn't matter, we need to grow on our own journey, and I get that but I'm emotionally not there yet.
A little wording change for you:
I know I shouldn’t focus on that, we need to grow on our own journey…
Hoping and praying for our lost spouse matters. It should matter. Do not believe otherwise. It’s ok to care and love H. It’s ok to be compassionate towards and about him. We just shift our focus, our life’s focus, off of our spouse and on to ourselves. That doesn’t mean we don’t feel or think or believe in them, we just aren’t focused and tied to them in an unhealthy manner is all.
One’s journey towards acceptance has many steps. We all need a certain amount of understanding before we can/will let go. We all need to traverse our grief in our time as well. Acceptance is basically emotional understanding. It’s quite a journey.
Originally Posted by Love4Him
There is little information about this and I wish there was. I have no idea what to possibly expect to come my way.
I had absolutely no idea of MLC before my XW blew up her life. All I knew about a midlife crisis is the Hollywood version where 50 year old guy buys a sports car. The reality is incredibly horrible. A crisis is no minor thing, these are lost souls consumed within their torment.
Expectations: Keep expectations to zero. Unmet expectations lead to resentment. H’s path is going to take a while. And he is going to miss many many expectations, if you make them. The compounding build up of resentments will slowly erode your love like an acid. Another reason to shift the focus to you.
There is a spectrum of possibilities from expected to wishful, from realistic to fanciful. The one end wishful/fanciful is easily seen as such. We all wish to win the lottery, yet we don’t harbour internal resentment when our 6 numbers don’t come up. We realize “winning” is possible, though highly unlikely. For those that unhealthily move this lottery dream/fantasy towards the expected end of the possibility range, they do resent.
The other end is expectation and a realistic probability of that possibility happening. Life is full of these unrealized expectations. I expect the electricity to be on when I get up. I expect to not fall in the shower, the car to start, the furnace to work, and so on, and so on. These are basically things we have near 100% accuracy/history and faith in happening. When something doesn’t go according to plan/expectation - even an unrealized plan/expectation - we feel resentment. (I worked in the electrical utility and know full well how people react to a power failure of their expected to be on 100% of the time grid. )
We also have a history with our long time, once loving spouse. A self-programmed likelihood of expectation of them and their behaviour. And when their behaviour doesn’t met our default expectations, resentment builds.
In the middle of possibilities is hope. Hope is timeless. It is both, and neither, fantasy and reality. Hope lives within the possibilities. Place a timeline or deadline upon hope and it becomes an expectation. And nothing kills hope like a deadline.
Hope: I hope XW wakes up to her life.
Expectation: I hope XW wakes up to her life within a year.
One year passes, and she is still off running and playing with the sprites and fairies. No reconciliation with her kids. Still lost. Without a deadline one can still hope. With the deadline, and now unmet expectations, resentment creeps in.
Time is the key to resentment and the lack thereof.
Wishing for something is a fantasy. Like before, I wish I’d win the lottery. No time component. If I never win, in my entire life, that wish is still that - a wish. No realistic expectation of outcome.
An expectation places a timeline upon a possibility. Gives it an expiration date.
Hope lay in the middle. It can be an incredible wellspring of fortitude, and can at times be unhealthily ensnaring as well. Hopeful has a lot to do with letting go, proper control, and focusing on self; and letting hope live and breathe on its own. Less grabbing and hanging on for dear life, as counterintuitive as that sounds.
Originally Posted by Love4Him
Sometimes I get that feeling that God pushed the Reset button on us because he knew things were not going in the right direction so he's using all our circumstances to make us go back and revisit and possibly correct. After some time has passed I might be very grateful to Him because He saved our marriage?!
We all revisit lessons until we learn them. Even me.
In my opinion, God’s not pushing the reset button, He is helping you (and H) forward. We all have free will, and God provides opportunities for us. When one prays for strength, God places an opportunity to be strong and find an inner strengthen you didn’t know existed. When one prays to hold a family together, it’s not poof and magic, He provides opportunity for one to enact the very things that foster family togetherness.
God’s opportunities are for us to grow and become. Become who we are supposed to be. That best version of ourselves. And Becoming, doesn’t stop until we draw our last breath.
Originally Posted by Love4Him
D, I'm happy you have found peace in your life and are enjoying your retirement, way to go!
Thank you L4. Yes, my life is peaceful and content. And I am happy.
Not long ago it was not so. I ruminated over the past, and fretted over the future. When one is depressed they are living in the past. When one is anxious they are living in the future. Peace is found living in the present.
It’s is normal, and part of grief, to relive one’s immutable past. One strives to make peace with it and one’s life choices.
We also worry, fear, and fret over the possible future. A future that is thankfully unknown and unwritten. Letting the future unfold as it will fosters a peaceful life. And letting that possible be timeless fosters a hopeful future.
Plan for the future, learn from the past, and live, and love, the present.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
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