Today is the 9th anniversary of my Mom's death. It's not been a great day for a few reasons. Eventho C and I agreed our couples counseling was GOOD yesterday, I am really beaten down today. I miss my Mom SO MUCH and she LOVED C SO MUCH. In fact, in the last phone conversation I had with her about 4 days before her death, she told me how much she loved C, how C was perfect for me and for our whole family. I know he loved her too and his behavior would disappoint her so much. She died 3 weeks before her 60th wedding anniversary. My Dad is still alive and 95 years old.
Our autistic son R (43y and non-verbal) has been having behavior problems that often become health issues. R's weight is down (he stimms--self-stimulation--by making himself vomit and ended up in the hospital with seizures in 2011 and in2021, gets either Gatorade or Pedilyte with every meal and he is weighed every night before he goes to bed) and we are on bathroom lockdown (we lock ALL the bathrooms in the house, put a timer on and he has to ask/sign with ASL to use the bathroom)for 60/90 minutes after every meal. R is pissed at me too for following him into the bathroom. B has been GREAT and helpful. I texted C right after dinner tonight to let him know what is happening on that front. Worried he'll be angry because I bothered him.
I decided not to go out of town in the next few weeks--am living a HELL that I never expected to live. Dealing with the usual BS with the kids but when C was home, we talked and consulted and worked things out TOGETHER and everything got better and worked. Now I'm winging it, sure to be criticized by C and his whole damn family if anything bad happens. I'm worried about my kid (he KNOWS his Dad isn't here--and C IGNORES HIM when he is here)and worried I will be accused of bothering C for no reason. But if there IS a reason and I don't contact him, I will also be criticized.I truly can't win.
Was in the midst of writing this when C called. He wanted to check on me and see how I was doing with Mom's death anniversary. He was sweet, he was kind and loving. He hadn't read my text about R--that's why I initially thought he called--and we talked through some ideas for stopping R's cycle of vomiting this time. He reminded me of a technique we had used a few years ago and I said I'd try it tomorrow--that's always how we handled raising a special needs child, as a TEAM, and we are good at it. This conversation was like he was *just* out of town on business, almost his old self and we chatted for almost 20 minutes. I told him R's weight and said I will only contact him if his weight starts to go down again, and won't if he continues to improve. It was nice but I know it is only temporary--tomorrow he could be an a**h**e again. So heart-sick tonight---I miss my Mom!
This morning, R spewed his breakfast all over the table, floor and himself. I cleaned him up, made him more oatmeal, then MADE him take smaller spoonfuls. He didn't urp and kept it down. We sent him outside, while keeping all the bathrooms locked. Fed him lunch and I cut his hotdogs into smaller portions along with Gatorade. Sent him outside, gave him some of his favorite pecan sandies cookies and some clementines. He kept it down. Then he was sitting in the living room and seemed drowsy--I sent him to bed in his room with one of his favorite videos. He got right up and seemed fine if not pissed at me.
I called C to update him and he seemed okay with that. And told me he thinks I'm doing the right thing. I am extremely worried about R and extremely EXHAUSTED with everything I being expected to handle. Normally I could handle it, even by myself, but having C NOT HERE and not WANTING to be here just makes it worse.
I know C will one day realize coming home, working through our problems--with our marriage and our kids--is the right and honorable thing to do. I think he's confused and his California Zoom Friends are clouding what he KNOWS to be true for HIM and for ME. I saw/heard flashes of the C I've know and loved for 45 years Friday and yesterday and even today--he's in there--but something/someone is telling him what to do. Of that I am certain.
It's not going especially well with R and his bulimia. I put out an SOS to C last night and asked him to stop home on his lunch hour, which he did. He didn't like the way R looked, prescribed some salt tablets and potassium for him and kissed me before he went back to the office. I picked up the meds and the instructions weren't clear to me so I texted him. Gave R one of each pill after I texted to get the meds on board.
I have a busy few days and started work on preps for my meetings while waiting for C to text back with instructions. He said that was enough meds for now. I continued my work. G called and I broke down--cried with frustration, worry, anger (at C) and selfishness because I have my first ballet lesson in 20 years tomorrow (I was a ballet dancer, teacher and choreographer until 20 years ago) and, as worried as I am about R, I am TRYING to GAL while this whole crappy thing plays out. While we were on the phone, C called to tell me he made arrangements for R to have some blood work done and he was on the way home to pick him up. I got R's shoes and his Medicaid card and we waited for C. They had to rush because the lab closed at 5pm. C brought him back home and told me the results will be ready sometime tomorrow. The labs will tell us how bad his electrolytes are and if we need to bump up the meds or do MORE---[censored] but better this than a seizure and a ride to the ER by ambulance. Told me to give R another salt tablet with his dinner and keep doing what we're doing. Kissed me then left.
I am exhausted. The only thing that encourages me is C is truly worried about our son and has been concerned and helpful. My husband is IN THERE. My sons' concerned Dad is IN THERE. I am trying, boy am I trying, to hold it together. It's hard to do the 180 while my disabled son is having health issues and his Dad is a physician. Am sobbing as I type this because I don't know what else to do.
R had been in an adult day program but during COVID, was pulled out because of infection issues in the facility.
When can R return to the adult day program? I think it would be beneficial to R and you as well.
Originally Posted by teteme55
I've made a lovely home for him and our boys and this is their place to be welcomed and loved and taken care of BUT it's not that way for me. I made the home for them but their needs take precedence over mine. Our couples therapist observed that I've been protecting C and our children for YEARS but no one is protecting me, not even ME. That is something I am working on--protecting myself and it's tougher than I imagined.
You’ve got to look after yourself first. As hard as that is, it’s true. Like in an airplane, if the masks drop you put on your own oxygen mask first before helping others. (Of course, this, like most of life, is not simply that black and white. However, overall you must make you your priority for if you fall ill or injured, then you cannot help.)
Originally Posted by teteme55
Being the Lighthouse, guiding him with my light through choppy and rough waters. The Lighthouse is always there--and I am struggling with that right now--but when you've ALWAYS been the Lighthouse, always been there, waiting and waiting--I often call myself the "Lady-in-Waiting"--it's difficult to continue when it's never been acknowledged or appreciated and now suddenly, "not needed." But the Lighthouse remains, always there and always faithful and that's me, always faithful when C hasn't deserved my faithfulness.
A 180 for you: Stop being a “Lady-in-Waiting”. You are not of lower rank, nor serving some noblemen. You are a strong women of 68 years old. How do I know you’re strong? You are looking after home and hearth, and three kids. Two with needs that would tax anyone’s fortitude.
You’ve got the shine, no doubts there. Now, be the lighthouse. Realize a lighthouse isn’t there, focused upon one ship, trying to steer it safely through the rough seas. That job is the captain’s! C is captain of his ship. You provide the light, he chooses to follow it or crash on to the rocks.
A lighthouse has strong foundations and can withstand plenty of storms. That foundation is your deeply held convictions and beliefs. Realize standing for a marriage is not standing still. Keep moving forward in life, and let C catch up.
A lighthouse, a DBer, is not affixed in time and space remaining looking for their lost spouse. We are affixed to our foundations and strengths and values. And those underpinnings are always there supporting and feeding one’s light. We look and move forward, and simply shine.
You being faithful is because of you, not because of H. And faithfulness has nothing to do with C deserving or not deserving it. You are faithful because you deserve it. You are worthy. It’s a conviction of your’s, part of what makes you tick.
Originally Posted by Pattnee5
My advice for you here would have been to go and make your plans with your friend after the first attemp. I wouldn’t even follow up with a second attempt. If H reached back out to you a few days later just says” sorry I made other plans”. It isn’t a good feeling being “on hold” for someone. It will drain you eventually. It drained me. It’s the whole GAL and 180. Turn the tables and make him chase you again instead of waiting around for him. I think the aliens need to suffer a bit considering what they put us through. Even though I know my H is still in there buried, I don’t want the glimmers anymore. I want him back whole or nothing at all. I deserve more I deserve better and so do you teteme. We shouldn’t be someone’s second thought.
Excellent advice by Patt! I agree with her.
(Well said P.)
Originally Posted by teteme55
I mentioned I've also been doing research--when I can't sleep--about forgiveness. I mentioned that many high powered medical schools (Harvard, UCBerkley, Johns Hopkins, Mayo Clinic) all have done studies on forgiveness and the benefits of forgiveness. Then he said what baffles me: he's terrified of coming home, even stopping by.
The spouse is very often scared and fearful of returning. Guilt, shame, remorse, and such weigh heavy upon their mind and soul. Deeds done, choices made, and consequences, are difficult to face. Often they project these, project their feelings and failures upon us, the LBS.
I’d suspect C to have a deep trepidation of being judged and being himself not forgivable. You see, it’s not your forgiveness he desperately needs, it’s his.
And that path he needs to walk on his own. He needs to fix himself, himself. You cannot do it for him.
Originally Posted by teteme55
I said I didn't understand because our home was created with love, a collaboration between us of love and what we like and love and things that make us and our boys happy and he just looked at me with tears in his eyes. I changed the subject because I truly don't know what he meant.
Relationship talks or discussions are a minefield to navigate. I realize that the counsellor has such discussions with you two, and I’d likely leave such things to that time.
When/if H brings up stuff like this, validate his feelings. C’s journey is emotionally driven, and he (and his demons) just wants/needs to be heard and acknowledged more than anything really.
I totally get bring up your loving home and the kids and the love; and it pushed H away. It’s counterintuitive, bringing up such home and love talk will have the opposite effect you are after. At least for a good long while anyhow.
The other thing is to let H lead. Let him bring up stuff as he feels emotionally ready to. I know, it’s like you’re talking to a child, and in some/most ways you are when dealing with C about this stuff.
Validating H’s feelings keeps you from furthering R talks. It lets him lead the conversation to where he is willing to go, which is what you are wanting to know about.
One more thing, do not vent or share your feelings with H. His emotions are cranked to eleven and he cannot handle anybody else’s feelings. I know, totally unfair this path of the LBS.
The tears in his eyes from reminders of past life and love, most difficult for him. C is living in two worlds: his fun responsibility-free 5 month lease, and you and the kids and his job and the house. As a crisis consumes one, they struggle to resolve their double living.
“he's terrified of coming home, even stopping by”
Next time, and I’m pretty sure there will be a next time, validate. Just validate, not try to fix or resolve for him. Just let him know you have heard him.
“Oh, that sounds stressful for you when you come over.”
“I’m sorry you feel like when stopping by.”
Usually, a little validation will lead to some furthering of conversation.
I think this might help explain C’s anger at being bothered, his demanding you look after house and kids while he is away, and unfortunately, his present inability (more than unwillingness IMHO) to hear and move forward regarding your rape and sexual assault. He is emotionally stunted from when he was traumatized and needs to grow up from then.
Give H time and space.
Give C to God and let Him work upon him.
Originally Posted by teteme55
I am trying, boy am I trying, to hold it together.
Breathe. Just breathe.
Day by day. Hour by hour. Heck, even minute by minute when you need to. Lord knows I watched many an hour pass, by the second hand. During the worst of it, I made it through one minute, then started another. Those were some very bad times.
Stay strong, and hang in there my friend.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
