A little less lost? Pt 3

[Pattnee5]

So H is gone away and a few things came out over the last few days which had me internally firing, but I stayed cool calm collected and gave zero emotion. He mentioned his trip again before he left and recently came out the conference part is 4 days ( but he will have 4 days there before the trip for a “holiday” so away for 10 days) you can imagine my mind absolutely fuming when he mentioned this two days before he leaves and shortly followed up to tell me he put his dad down as an emergency contact just in case. I just said “ok “ to both of those comments and kept busying myself. After he left I gave myself time to digest both of those comments and my internal anger is not even around all of the possible affair or anything like that( let’s be honest the less I know the better ) . It’s around the fact he just puts these dates he is leaving down without a second thought then mentions he‘a only there for a few days work but leaving early to “holiday” without a second thought for his responsibilities of our daily life with the kids and running around to and from school and sport etc my parents are fuming of course as they are the ones picking up the slack ( as I have to work of course).h is an introvert massively and going to sit in New Orleans on his own for 4 days over a weekend( yeah right I’m not that gullible)
I am more annoyed at this because he told me about 3 weeks ago about this trip and wrote down dates and only told me two days before he leaves he’s having a holiday (who knows why when he’s been having one for 5 months). For 7 days a week for 5 months since he left I have the kids ( which don’t get me wrong I absolutely love) and he decides he needs a holiday( again after being there in January). I guess I allowed all of this behaviour by trying to appease him and not being firm with my boundaries sooner and allowing him to do very little while I did all the heavy lifting thinking I could save this.
I am not sure legally how something like this works when there’s a proper parental ageeement and we have set days( at the moment this coming and going as you please is really NOT working for me and I need to up my boundaries for myself. ). The anger cycles in me I was ready to change the locks and box up all his stuff and shove it in the garage. I might give it a few days and see how that feels again 🥴. There is so many angry words I want to say to H and I won’t. I write it and throw it away. I don’t feel that “love” for him anymore. That feels dead, wounded. I feel so disrespected now that I don’t even enjoy looking at him as he is not the man I knew all along. So I guess that’s a positive I don’t cry anymore

I’m having a big sit down with the lawyer next week. Going to be one step ahead now get all my options in order for this separation agreement now. I know this isn’t working for me I don’t like the coming and going etc. can I ask advice now on what I do once I have all my information and have a few options and scenarios up my sleeve. Do I approach H on his return and tell him we need to sit down and plan this agreement now and separate properly with seperate days and kids living in different houses. Or do I just sit back with all my stuff and let him make the move so he can feel the full weight and brunt knowing he did this. I feel our only options at the moment is for us to sell the house split assets and go our seperate ways as he can’t afford to rent elsewhere too. ( for now he lives for free but that’s going to stop) . He hasn’t pursued anything further since our initial talk a few months ago because he is “ waiting to see if he gets the contract to relocate to USA for 6-12 months. I would absolutely hate to force this and then find we have sold the house etc and he ends up moving and there was no need. I
Would also hate to be the one that instigated this next part of legal separation then have him hold that over me saying some rubbish like “ oh but you were the one who made the move on the lawyers” because let’s be honest that’s how his 17 year old brain thinks right now.
I know Db a lot of people say let them instigate their actions and own them. I certainly want my independence now financially and emotionally from all of this

Anyway I have a busy weekend as usual planned running around with kids sport again, bit of self love getting my hair done, and have some very close family coming around tonight for a wine. My friends and family have surrounded me immensely with support I am so incredibly lucky.

[Pattnee5]

Not much to report here had a good weekend keeping busy, surrounding myself with friends and family having a laugh enjoying the winter sunshine. Kids are great, happy.
I had a not so great dream last night where I was sitting in a car with friends and saw H walking hand in hand with a leggy blonde. I guess my brain is manifesting his current “holiday”. He’s been absolutely zero contact and zero transactions for 4 days now so I guess he’s playing this game. I thought it wouldn’t bother me but it does sting a bit and I guess explains my dream.Mind racing that he’s wrapped up bedding women (or pre meditated affair). Makes me sad and jealous
I guess my wounded heart still hurts

[Kind18]

Not much to report here had a good weekend keeping busy, surrounding myself with friends and family having a laugh enjoying the winter sunshine. Kids are great, happy.
I had a not so great dream last night where I was sitting in a car with friends and saw H walking hand in hand with a leggy blonde. I guess my brain is manifesting his current “holiday”. He’s been absolutely zero contact and zero transactions for 4 days now so I guess he’s playing this game. I thought it wouldn’t bother me but it does sting a bit and I guess explains my dream.Mind racing that he’s wrapped up bedding women (or pre meditated affair). Makes me sad and jealous
I guess my wounded heart still hurts

Hey Pattnee.

Imagine your best friend is the one going through your exact divorce. She calls up, and tells you this story. She’s had a dream about her husband and feels a bit sad/angry atm.

What would you tell her?

[Kind18]

And question 2…

Someone comes on this forum and says they’re going through an incredibly difficult divorce while trying to save their marriage, but they tell you they never think about their spouse ever nor have any dreams and get a great night sleep every night.

What would you think?

[Pattnee5]

Yikes Kind I dunno what I would say other than it’s grief. For the second one I would say they are one lucky person to not think about them and her a good night sleep ( and I would be jealous 😀😅)
I know it’s normal. It’s crazy how the mind works. I think because I have been in denial for so long about any sort of OW but now escaping the emotional haze I can look more objectively so I guess the wounds are a bit fresh. Worrying or thinking doesn’t change anything I do know that but it still hurts and the mind is a silly thing

[Kind18]

Question 1:

I’d tell my best friend that’s completely normal. You’ve spent years and years building a life and family with their person. They’ve imagined an entire life growing old together. Now that’s been unexpectedly been ripped apart, it wouldn’t be surprising at all to have occasional, TEMPORARY times of anger/sadness. I’d also say dreams while they’re grappling with this would be expected. I know I had lots of vivid and confronting dreams about my ex.

Question 2:

I’d tell them they’re a complete liar.

Pattnee - you are feeling and reacting to divorce just like everyone else does. Just let it wash over you. It doesn’t mean you’re slow to get over them, doesn’t mean you’re weird, doesn’t mean you won’t make it - it means you’re a normal person, with normal emotions and responses. It’s temporary. Don’t ignore or push down those feelings either. Acknowledge they exist. Embrace them.

The best way to think of those times of sadness and difficulty - they’re necessary steps to healing and the future. Every time they occur, you’re getting one step closer to your eventual happiness.

[Pattnee5]

Thanks Kind.

We aren’t even anywhere near the divorce stage yet, just lawyers and separating legally (accounts, house sale potentially, parental agreement. But I guess divorce comes a year later anyway.)

I have been allowing myself to feel these emotions now without worrying. Tears flowed a lot today I had a bit of a mini meltdown in my Mums arms, just crying and unsure why. Picked myself up dusted myself off, had a bath, went for a walk and felt much better before school pickup. The ghosting from H while he’s away for work isn’t even bothering me I think I am just more so grieving the end of 20 years when it really was amazing, and it’s only been the last year or so since he’s obviously spiralled in MLC mode. It saddens me that we become collateral damage. Anyway I feel better now.

Do I push H to sit down and talk legal separation when he returns? He mentioned it almost a month ago and was going to look over finances but then did nothing. I still want him to do the heavy lifting so he can live with his choices.

[DnJ]

Good Morning Patt

But I guess divorce comes a year later anyway.

I’m unsure of your locale’s process; for around here one has to be legally separated for at least one year before one of the parties can file for divorce. Divorce is not automatic here, someone still must file/request it. The one year is a cooldown/settling period.

Interestingly, if the couple were to get back together while only legally separated, then after 90 days of continuous cohabitation, the legal separation becomes null and void, and it’s like nothing happened. Whatever signed agreements and arrangements regarding custody, properties, monies, pensions, etc. would all vaporize.

I suspect one can see that could be a risky thing. I’d have definitely dated for quite sometime before rekindling cohabitation under one roof. One of my personal tick boxes for XW and I getting back together is/was - No OM! If you are with OM, you aren’t with me! I would’ve dated for at least 12 contiguous months of no OM before considering living together again. And if she saw OM, in even the smallest of capacities (which is likely as breaking up is hard), then the 12 month clock resets. How many resets I would have considered, I never fleshed that out; however it is a small number.

Do I push H to sit down and talk legal separation when he returns? He mentioned it almost a month ago and was going to look over finances but then did nothing. I still want him to do the heavy lifting so he can live with his choices.

I’d not mention anything and leave it with him. Let time and space work upon him.

Pushing H isn’t likely going to accomplish much. And pushing him to seek separation/divorce would - if he actually listened - just get you separated/divorced. Leave the heavy lifting to him, unless you need financial security or protection, then get it. However, from what I read, I believe your situation in the financial aspect to be still amicable.

Limbo can be kind of a pain. GAL and focusing upon self are critical during this time. For me, remembering and realizing I chose this path, and why I chose this path, helped.

Limbo is not painful nor stressful when one seeks it. And we are only in limbo regrading romantic relationship type stuff. GAL, right? Live and love the other aspects of your life. Fully! Travel, vacation, see friends, go out for diner, walk in the park, enjoy the sunset, and so on. It does take a while to get to embrace living “fully”, so don’t fret. It’s all steps along the path.

D

[Pattnee5]

Thanks D that’s what I thought about not doing the heavy lifting. This is all his doings and I feel he needs to be instigating things so he lives with these choices. Unfortunately we will need to sell assets and the house once he initiated the process. So for now I will just sit and wait. He runs very hot and cold. He’s still overseas for work and I think only texted the kids once or twice from what they have mentioned In passing comment. Nothing toward me but I suspected that from his silly comment before he left . Still baffles me a man who absolutely doted on his kids in the past to not really give them much thought.
Generally I am doing ok. I wouldn’t say one way or the other. I’ve still had some sad days this week. I think my mind is getting the better of me with the “what if”. I know it’s bad and I need to push those thoughts out. Still been getting out and going to the gym, working, walking the dog, having lots of friend and family around.Kids are none the wiser and loving all the social side of people being around and chatting etc.

I do a lot of thinking at night which doesn’t help( the lack of sleep isn’t great). As I mentioned a while ago I finally forgave myself for my infidelity 9 years ago and mistakes when I was younger. Reminder this was something H threw at me at BD 7 months ago. My father did tell me even if I had never done anything like that, we would likely be in the same position today regardless, and he would have just found something else as an excuse. The pain is still so real though, I think what hurts the most is how for quite a while obviously he held in all his issues and frustrations and then they just boil over to BD and he refuses to even want to attempt to fix things. I think the lack of even wanting to try is the hardest part.( and very out of character). I think I would have taken this separation a lot better if everything he did he was still within his normal character I think it’s easier to accept. However the way he currently is, it’s so left field for him, it’s a harder pill to swallow as you know they are desperate for help and you feel you can’t give up on them just because everyone else has and they even have on themselves. One thing I have noticed in the last few months is Hs memory isn’t great(even if he’s not drinking on that day). I don’t know why I care so much for someone who has caused me so much pain the last 6 months and said so many hurtful things( I think I am just resilient to his words like water off a ducks back because that’s not him and his real character ) .

I know I’m still internally struggling ( however I put on a pretty good act for my kids and around people).
I know H the way he is now is not good for me and my kids lives. I think deep down he knows that too but it’s obviously too hard for him to mentally do any work on himself. The ego will play a big part too now. A solid marriage is built on openness and communication and he did neither of those things doe a good part of a year while he was brewing and planning BD.
He’s so far down this rabbit hole he could never lower his pride and sword and admit defeat for fear of what everyone will say. It’s a sad mental state to me in to be honest. Everyone keeps telling me one day he will wake up and realise je has made a huge mistake. I too myself feel it. I think that’s why I am so resistant to giving up so easily. Although I know too that the actual effort it’s
Going to take from both of us is going to be enormous and long and nothing will be rosy for a long time, I question myself too “do I really want to go years of this misery and difficult state” with no real rewarding feeling for a long time. What a see saw I am of emotions

Sorry I am rambling I just need to vent. I will end on a positive. Had a great conversation and laugh at the gym with a guy. Felt good to laugh again and even be looked at. Also had a friends brother pass on some compliments too via my friend. So it certainly felt nice (not that I am the type of person who craves that validation because I am very sure of myself as a person) I’m in no way shape or form even wanting to entertain the idea of even a rebound at the moment. It’s the furthest thing from my mind. I don’t even want to go down that path while my heart still feels so tied to H.

Everyone keeps telling me Time. I tell you I have learnt the true meaning of patience. I still feel silly some days for crying. For meltdown moments. I keep thinking why am I wasting so many years on someone who is just so broken. Just when I think I’m ok and doing better, the thoughts come in. I know it’s grief and trauma even, and I’m cycling through all stages on a daily basis.
I just keep telling myself to just keep moving

[MA1970]

Hi Pattnee, I'm just adding my thoughts. You know I'll put a caution next to them that I don't have the experience of DnJ, Kind & many others but I wanted to comment. Firstly big hugs and a reminder thst you are doing great. You will have up days and down days, that's perfectly normal when grieving a loss. Its important you allow yourself to feel the emotions, they're not going anywhere at the minute and to try and suppress them is likely to do more harm than good.

It sounds like you're still getting caught up at times with the what it's & trying to analyse why H is so very different than he was. I did LOTS of this a few months ago and it always resulted in more pain for me. It is the most bizarre thing to witness someone doing things that was against their very core the whole time you knew them. This is precisely why it becomes impossible to analyse & once you start that questioning, you are just reinforcing the thoughts meaning that they will come back more readily next time. You can't possibly come up with a definitive answer why, none of it makes sense. Just keep reminding yourself that the current H is not someone you want to be with. When you grieve, you are likely grieving for your old relationship, not the new H.

Time - you know I witter on about this but it truly is your best friend. I love the timeline DnJ gave for any potential recoupling with his ex. It is exactly the same as I had planned when I thought I wanted H back (& on the 2 occasions he said he wanted to come back!). I figure H is a complete mess (both yours and mine!). My door is closed to potential R at the minute but never say never in the future. The work H would have to do though is significant & would take at least 12-18 months of IC. My choice at present is not to hang around waiting to see if this happens. There is nothing to say we won't connect in years to come but when you detach & let go of that old relationship before MLC hit, you start to see the cracks that led to it.

My reframe at the minute is that the affair happened for a reason. I always felt that but previously thought it was to make us both put more effort into the relationship. I now think that a higher presence knew I would never leave H and it has given me an opportunity for a happier life. I think I could have that with H again in the future but not until he does the same work I have in becoming more independent, confident in himself and responsible. You sound like an amazing woman Pattnee, YOU are the catch here & deserve such more than the crumbs H is offering.