Today is the 9th anniversary of my Mom's death. It's not been a great day for a few reasons. Eventho C and I agreed our couples counseling was GOOD yesterday, I am really beaten down today. I miss my Mom SO MUCH and she LOVED C SO MUCH. In fact, in the last phone conversation I had with her about 4 days before her death, she told me how much she loved C, how C was perfect for me and for our whole family. I know he loved her too and his behavior would disappoint her so much. She died 3 weeks before her 60th wedding anniversary. My Dad is still alive and 95 years old.
Our autistic son R (43y and non-verbal) has been having behavior problems that often become health issues. R's weight is down (he stimms--self-stimulation--by making himself vomit and ended up in the hospital with seizures in 2011 and in2021, gets either Gatorade or Pedilyte with every meal and he is weighed every night before he goes to bed) and we are on bathroom lockdown (we lock ALL the bathrooms in the house, put a timer on and he has to ask/sign with ASL to use the bathroom)for 60/90 minutes after every meal. R is pissed at me too for following him into the bathroom. B has been GREAT and helpful. I texted C right after dinner tonight to let him know what is happening on that front. Worried he'll be angry because I bothered him.
I decided not to go out of town in the next few weeks--am living a HELL that I never expected to live. Dealing with the usual BS with the kids but when C was home, we talked and consulted and worked things out TOGETHER and everything got better and worked. Now I'm winging it, sure to be criticized by C and his whole damn family if anything bad happens. I'm worried about my kid (he KNOWS his Dad isn't here--and C IGNORES HIM when he is here)and worried I will be accused of bothering C for no reason. But if there IS a reason and I don't contact him, I will also be criticized.I truly can't win.
Was in the midst of writing this when C called. He wanted to check on me and see how I was doing with Mom's death anniversary. He was sweet, he was kind and loving. He hadn't read my text about R--that's why I initially thought he called--and we talked through some ideas for stopping R's cycle of vomiting this time. He reminded me of a technique we had used a few years ago and I said I'd try it tomorrow--that's always how we handled raising a special needs child, as a TEAM, and we are good at it. This conversation was like he was *just* out of town on business, almost his old self and we chatted for almost 20 minutes. I told him R's weight and said I will only contact him if his weight starts to go down again, and won't if he continues to improve. It was nice but I know it is only temporary--tomorrow he could be an a**h**e again. So heart-sick tonight---I miss my Mom!
