COVID Catastrophe

[teteme55]

C and I had a couple's counseling session today. Both of us agreed it was a good one.

We are trying to focus on FORGIVENESS right now, what forgiveness means, what the benefits are from forgiving someone, and what it can mean for US in particular and our marriage. C stated, quite clearly, that ever since I told him about the rape/abuse, he doesn't look at me the same way, he no longer has romantic feelings for me and doesn't want to be with me. I asked if he thought I was damaged and he didn't exactly answer the question. I asked if he pitied me and he said yes, he pities me. I said I thought his PITY was polluting his feelings toward me and our counselor agrees. His pity for me is clouding his love for me and our family. How bizarre is that?

(During the last two years of C’s residency, I had been raped and sexual assaulted by my boss, a Presbyterian minister, but had been told by my In-Laws to never disturb, disrupt or bother C with any problem. I was expected to handle everything—from my rape to the robbery of our home and issues with our kids—by myself so he was able to focus on his training. I did handle everything and the rape—but not the sexual assault—came out in our counseling in Nashville. While C seemed “sorry” I went through that, he didn’t see how it concerned him, since he was “in love” with this other person. I never told him the full story and tried to deal with it by myself with all the ramifications that the rape and sexual assault left behind.)

He keeps bringing up things in the past. Today in the midst of him complaining, once again, that I had not gone to concerts with him like he expected me to, I apologized for my lack of understanding how much attending concerts together is important to him. I APOLOGIZED for letting my own rehearsals, responsibilities and appointments (and depression--there were some times, I didn't have the energy or desire to go because I was depressed, but he WILL NOT accept me being depressed in any way) come before what seems to be such an important thing for HIM. I asked for forgiveness. And he brushed it aside, saying I was suddenly trying to be the perfect wife. What I did in the past is what he believes me still to be NOW and he's not buying me *changing*. Our counselor wasn't having it---"look, she apologized and you are bringing up the PAST." And he still didn't get it.

Our counselor mentioned it must be exhausting for me to constantly have to PROVE to him I was raped/abused--he still says he knows something terrible happened to me but is not sure what it was--and that every time I have to prove it, it's like the abuse is happening again. I burst into tears because it's true but I didn't understand that's what is happening to me. He looked sad, like he didn't know that's what he was doing. Good.