in trying to “get him back “ like I was trapped in that cycle. I don’t even try anymore haha maybe that’s the key.
It certainly is one of the keys to DBing. People only want what they can’t have 😉
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Today had a bit of a setback. Now I know everyone says high chance of another woman.
DNJ often gives salient advice about how you need to be careful how you frame things. Your narrative and language does actually influence how you think, feel and behave.
To label this as a “setback”… is it really? From my external perspective, you’ve finally put your emotions to the side and begun to look at things more objectively and now (rather sensibly) you’re open to the possibility that someone else is involved. To me that’s actually progress, more critical thinking, less blind and naive emotion. Even if there isn’t an affair (which I highly doubt), this shift in your mindset is a positive going forward. I would hardly label it a setback. It’s going to help you move forward from being stuck (however that might look, reconciliation or otherwise).
Perhaps, if you’re interested, pick DNJ’s brain on this. He explains it much more eloquently than me, or he may chime in here.
Either way, be cognisant that your internal dialogue and language is very powerful.
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can even start to imagine my life again with a guy who thinks the world of me and wants to travel and enjoy life with me rather than the rubbish I have put up with for the year before BD.
The Utopia you should actually covet is to be happy and content and fulfilled in you and you alone. Not needing external validation or love to feel loved. That’s what you should be aiming for here, not to replace him with someone else.
Ironically, once you learn to love yourself and be happy regardless of your relationship status, only then will you truly be able to have a relationship which doesn’t rely on co-dependency.
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Sometimes I just need it and a hug
Yep. Been there, done that. Don’t be afraid to ask people for a hug. It’s incredibly healing. And not just a fake hug kiss-kiss BS thing that people do these days.
“Life’s really hard for me atm, can I get a hug?” And then a good 10 second squeeze with trusted people. We all need that!
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I have not seen anyone bust their divorce while a third party is involved.
R2C is right once again and you should think very, very carefully about this. DBing to save the marriage when there’s an active affair going on is a monumental waste of time. You’re getting some incredibly good advice here.
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Joseph, I have finally accepted it wasn’t what I did or didn’t do or my past infidelity 10 years ago. I have 100% completely forgiven myself.
This is a good step forward, but be conscious of not swinging the other way. While this site promotes rebuilding the self-worth, destroyed confidence and correcting the 100% self blame … you need to be cautious about reversing to the polar opposite of “it’s MLC, it’s affair, it’s all his fault, I was the perfect partner, this is all about him and nothing about me.”
The vets around this site will always remind you from time to time that everyone has at least some part in the demise of their own marriage. And the truth generally always lies somewhere between “it was all my fault” and “it was all their fault”.
SteveLW was great at reminding people of that, he has been a huge loss to the site.
You’re tracking well Pattnee. You’ve moved forward significantly from a month ago. And in another month, you’ll be a lot further forward than now.
Stay the course!
Oh, and keep hitting the gym. Best thing you can possibly do for your mental health. 💪💪💪
