I was reading your thread, you've been here 5 years and in a place now that we can only hope to be someday, personally I mean. In the beginning each and every one of us is hanging on for dear life, hoping and praying the MLC spouse will make it through and return to us. I know that shouldn't matter, we need to grow on our own journey, and I get that but I'm emotionally not there yet. I was about 10 years ago but H came back into the marriage and now I'm almost at square one again.
I can't stop thinking about how this all happened. If H had finished his MLC back then I'm sure he would have shown some remorse. I was stupid not to talk about it and just carry on. So many things make sense now. He never asked about my wedding band, for example. Never saw his again, don't know to this day what he did with it. Realizing that he had one leg in MLC and the other one out is mind blowing to me and I feel like WHAT IN THE WORLD HAVE WE DONE THESE PAST 10 YEARS. We didn't rebuild, we continued, and that's what was all wrong about it. There is little information about this and I wish there was. I have no idea what to possibly expect to come my way. He has no intention of leaving and as far as I know there is no OW, at least not in a physical sense because he's always here. He is still on medical leave at least through August. He's on his phone a lot and I know he watches porn on it and reads love stories of some kind. I stopped snooping though, it does not help me one bit. He didn't even change his password, lol.
I observe things like him checking out other women while we're out. And he hangs out with my son and his buddies when they're over, like he's one of them. The other night he had an abdominal toning builder below his chest, he's trying to get his 6pack back, he said. I almost replied maybe you should lay off the beer... but I stopped myself. It makes no sense to do one thing and cancel it out with another. He's exercising to get healthy, good, but he smokes 2 packs a day, bad! It just shows how confused they really are and the LBS shouldn't even try to make sense of all the crazy stuff they do.
I gave him my last kiss a few days ago and I'm tearing up typing this. He dropped me off at work and I always lean in for the goodbye kiss but I had been sensing that he just didn't really want to. I also told him, before that incident, that I didn't want to live like this and if he wanted a divorce I would give it to him without demanding anything because I ultimately wanted him to be happy even if it was not with me. He told me he didn't want a divorce. But who knows, he could want one tomorrow or the next day, right?! Unlike 13 years ago after BD, I haven't pressured him, no pleading, no nothing, I've stepped aside. Back then I was going insane and I did/said a lot I should not have but I didn't know any better. So this time around it's almost smooth sailing, except that I'm heartbroken and feel abandoned once again.
Life seemed good until all his health and employment issues came at us in a short period of time along with my premenopausal stuff which made me overly irritated and I'm sure I made him feel like he couldn't do anything right. Sometimes I get that feeling that God pushed the Reset button on us because he knew things were not going in the right direction so he's using all our circumstances to make us go back and revisit and possibly correct. After some time has passed I might be very grateful to Him because He saved our marriage?!
D, I'm happy you have found peace in your life and are enjoying your retirement, way to go! Talk to you soon....
