I get why you are saying this - because it would move Rock forward rather than being eternally stuck.
But I don’t think that’s a good way to do it. I couldn’t imagine the pain or damage that this situation might inflict on a new girlfriend. Imagine if 6-12 months down the track, new girlfriend found out that she’s been used as some sort of cheap tool for Rock to try and solve his co-dependency issues.
I’m also sure that nut-job ex-wife would easily manipulate this new relationship. She’d pretend to want Rock back - he’d burn bridges with the new girlfriend, come crawling back - and then ex would laugh in his face. This entire marriage’s dynamic is incredibly unhealthy, and there would be all sorts of attempted manipulation from both sides if another person appeared. Plus, Rock is so co-dependent he would only take a new girlfriend to try and manipulate his ex-wife back. No-one coming into a new relationship deserves that!
Step 1 - long term professional intervention to detach and work on co-dependency issues Step 2 - (only after step 1 is a success) - find a new girlfriend
Not really tracking with you through all this here Joseph though you make many valid points I’m in therapy - looking after myself and home and family. And to suggest that this shouldn’t affect our kids and it’s not about them well that’s an interesting take - just not an accurate read on how things go all the time.
I don’t see W as a horrible person at all. She has made choices though that have consequences and I am not attracted to who she has become and the way she is living.
Besides therapy how would you recommend I approach this?
#1. Your update about anger surfacing and you need to protect your family from free radical behavior because she went a month long trip would suggest you do see her as a horrible person but if I misread that than ok.
#2. All your kids are adults; it’s been a year. Here’s the rub for me Rock. Your kids miss their mom, you understand that, haven’t said she’s a bad mom, but she just left 2 of her kids with “significant special needs” for a month…..
#3. I didn't suggest this shouldn’t effect your kids. I suggested they shouldn’t be as adults, really at any age, still this stuck on their parent’s divorce a year later and they need IC. If you wanna twist that into something I didn’t say to play the victim feel free too, it’s your life.
#4. I asked if this was between the 24 and 26 yr old….
When did you start therapy and how often are you going?
I would honestly suggest you file for divorce and save yourself. You’re so unhealthily codependent and you don’t even see it.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
Rock I popped in after a few months hiatus to find out that you’re still stuck. In your defense you are getting conflicting advice. You are being told to believe nothing she says, feelings are fleeting and to detach and you’re also being to to divorce her and get a girlfriend.
I still would like you to answer the question if you can just sit with your feelings for a day without the help of your kids, priest, garden or dance instructor? If the answer is no we have a bigger issue then your wife tramping around another country.
I get why you are saying this - because it would move Rock forward rather than being eternally stuck.
But I don’t think that’s a good way to do it. I couldn’t imagine the pain or damage that this situation might inflict on a new girlfriend. Imagine if 6-12 months down the track, new girlfriend found out that she’s been used as some sort of cheap tool for Rock to try and solve his co-dependency issues.
I’m also sure that nut-job ex-wife would easily manipulate this new relationship. She’d pretend to want Rock back - he’d burn bridges with the new girlfriend, come crawling back - and then ex would laugh in his face. This entire marriage’s dynamic is incredibly unhealthy, and there would be all sorts of attempted manipulation from both sides if another person appeared. Plus, Rock is so co-dependent he would only take a new girlfriend to try and manipulate his ex-wife back. No-one coming into a new relationship deserves that!
Step 1 - long term professional intervention to detach and work on co-dependency issues Step 2 - (only after step 1 is a success) - find a new girlfriend
This train wreck doesn’t need a third carriage.
I know Kind. I know. I'm just shaking the tree a little...
Originally Posted by Rockon
Nowhere near ready for a gf
You are right Rock. Keep walking your road, keep your pace.
