A little less lost? Pt 3

[Pattnee5]

Update on my end because I had a bit of a setback today in the feelings dept.

Generally have been pretty good, upbeat keeping busy, back at the gym working out, looking at planning a holiday next year with the kids and my family to Europe. Going to sit down with the lawyer again and go over every fine detail of my entitlements. H still hasn’t done or said anything but want to be sure in case I get blindsided when he finally wants to sit and go over stuff and come up with an arrangement. So generally I have been feeling okay, meditating a bit, stopped crying finally.

Today had a bit of a setback. Now I know everyone says high chance of another woman. I have been thinking lately that possibility online is quite likely or most likely via work ( H works remotely but visits client sites internationally.) so I didn’t really think he would but everyone has been drumming it into me, friends family people on this community so of course I am starting to think more. H made a comment of his upcoming business trip internationally coming up to New Orleans this week. Away for 10 days but the conference is only for 4 days and he said he’s going to have a holiday. Well there goes my alarm bells. Mind goes into overdrive but I kept my cool didn’t even flinch or make a comment and honestly haven’t even shed a tear. H is an introvert, yes loves music but was only there in Jan so 5 days alone in a city…. Yeh right. Anyway I am ok my emotions went a bit backward but then I thought “ oh good luck to her, especially with his lack of brushing his teeth and smelly breath” hahaha yep I am still grossed out by his lack of self care. D14 tonight even told him he was smelly.

Anyway despite me being annoyed at myself for not even thinking something like this is possible ( let’s be honest it’s highly likely hey despite his MLC ) but I will never know he will never admit it anyway. I think I handled it really well. Didn’t even blink an eyelid when he said it. I am more upset at myself for not being open to these things and opening my eyes. But still haven’t shed a tear over it or even the possibility. H did also confide he HATES his job and is trying to get back into his old role before the promotion 18 months ago ( ie when he spiralled and obviously led to MLc town and blowing up your whole world)

Oh well so in a way today was a bit of a pang to the chest initially but no tears no nothing. I am not even phased really. I have a lawyers meeting coming up, have a great backup plan if we need to sell the house that will see me absolutely debt free with the kids, can even start to imagine my life again with a guy who thinks the world of me and wants to travel and enjoy life with me rather than the rubbish I have put up with for the year before BD. I am finally awakening out of the fog and realise how much this had to happen. I didn’t want to live with someone who was hooked on alcohol 5 nights a week and became a detached mess. I remember thinking last year at one point how much I hated the drinking and how I can get him to etop as he’s a bad influence on the kids. I guess the universe gave me my answer.

Oh and I also decided today to get a new tattoo to symbolise my new beginning and inner strength.
Today I laughed a lot at work, I smiled heaps, I felt my energy coming back


Here is an amazing thing a family friend sent me today that absolutely lit up my whole day.

“ you don’t miss him, you will miss the idea of who you wanted him to be, the projection of who you thought he was, and the relationship and future that you planned in your head that never actually (insert rude f bomb) panned out. That’s ok once you acknowledge that you can actually move forward more effectively knowing it wasn’t about that person but rather the idea you built about them”


And the second one really hit home on how much I have been bashing myself over the head

“Don’t let anyone ever make you feel guilty for the hurt they caused. Blaming the victim is what abusers do “

Have a great night DB crew