Sorry you’re here Peter 😢 Going through a divorce is the worst thing in the world! We’re all here for you 👍
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I will have a talk with her during upcoming 2 weeks so I am planning to tell her either she stops the affair ASAP or she needs to move out immediately since I am not gonna tolerate her behaviour any longer.
Sorry to be blunt, but that ain’t going to work.
It’s easy when first learning this stuff to get healthy boundaries confused with manipulation. Threats never, EVER work.
I’ve only been around this site about four years, so I’m no Jedi-Master like SteveLW or DNJ or Ready2Change… but what I can tell you, is every situation I’ve seen where the LBS has decided to drop an ultimatum or threat or timeline - they’ve never ended up reconciling.
You have two distinct choices: 1. Drop you own bomb and walk away with your head held high 2. Follow DNJ’s advice, keep your head down and keep swallowing s**t sandwiches for as long as you can.
I’m definitely not advocating my advice over DNJ’s. He’s a super smart and experienced DBer and great all round human being.
I guess what I’m saying is you can’t choose somewhere in between those two solutions/try half of each. It’s either mouth shut, head down, bum up and just hang on - or lob your own hand grenade to start again.
One of the easiest ways to understand the difference between boundaries and manipulation is if you feel the need to tell someone your boundary, it’s manipulation. I don’t mean in the context of a healthy relationship … in that case it’s okay to say “Hey, my boundary on this is xyz”
But when it comes to post bomb-drop, as soon as you say “I’m going to tell them my boundary is …” then I know it’s an attempted pressure or intimidation.
Boundaries are by you - and for you. If your boundary is in two weeks you walk away, you don’t have to tell her. I’m pretty sure you’ve already made it clear you don’t agree with her banging another guy. She knows it’s not okay. All you’d be doing is saying “I’ve allowed you to cheat for 3 months, now I’m saying you can do it for 2 more weeks.”
If your boundary is TRULY two weeks, then do it. Go and see two or three lawyers in your area for a free consult and tell them what you’re planning and roughly what you’d want.
And with legal advice, in two weeks, move her stuff into storage, change the locks, and send her an email:
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Dear Wife,
You’ve made it clear you wish to cheat with another man.
My patience has run out. I now choose to accept your decision.
I have placed your things in storage at xxxx. I have paid for the first month. The access code is xxxx. I have changed the locks at the house and you will need to find temporary accomodation elsewhere.
The custody arrangements will be that I have the kids xxxx and you have them yyyy.
Beyond that, your thoughts on final custody arrangements and financial settlement can be negotiated with my lawyer, not me. My lawyer’s contact details are xxxx.
Best, PeterPan
If you’re not prepared to go all in like that ⬆️ then don’t bother giving her ultimatums, just keep your mouth shut and play the long game like DNJ suggested.
