Yes, I am weighting my options constantly. I am on the crossroad at the moment. Would be much easier if we had no kids though. I have gone thru boundary thread but have not found there any example to my situation. Do you know how long is too long? Weeks, months, years?
My apologies for delays in my posting, I’m in the last week of a 3 1/2 week vacation with lots of travelling and long days of activities.
Anyhow, a quick couple of ideas for you to consider.
All my suggestions are for you. Suggestions to primarily heal and help you, and secondarily to give you the best chance at reconciliation. I realize and know the path you are on. There are lots of doubts, uncertainty, pain, sorrow, hurt, and a feeling of needing to do something. Realize doing nothing is doing something. You have plenty of time.
The time and space approach is likely going to happen regardless. W is going to take time and space apart from you. She is right now. You just want to get yourself in front of that. It helps with detachment too.
I am a proponent for letting the spouse who wants out to do the heavy lifting. Unless you need financial protection/security or there is abuse or some such. These situations are the worse part of “for better or worse”. Whichever way this all plays out, will you have done everything you could to save your marriage?
As said, this is for you. Time and space, also allows you to figure out a logical and rational path forward for you. After all, you can only control you.
Find your convictions, values, and beliefs. Strengthen those that serve, craft those you aspire to, and alter/discard those that do not serve.
Your path, is not just waiting around. You live. GAL. You let W go. She’s going to do her thing anyhow. This doesn’t mean you condone it. You place boundaries upon actions from W that directly affect you. These are not some tool or strategy to fix her. Realize, you didn’t break her, therefore you cannot fix her. Boundaries are for you, for you to regain your balance and center, and to remove yourself from disrespectful behaviour towards you. (Example, if she is swearing at you, you leave the room or hang up the phone.)
You can let her feel the loss of you without actually do the divorce paperwork. Focus on you. Continue to move forward.
You are on your journey. And life’s journey is not about the destination, rather how one walks it.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
…I feel I must act somehow. Obviously she has zero respect towards me as a husband and a human being.
Do not take actions based upon feelings.
Feelings are fleeting. They will change. And then so does the “reasons” for what you did. Act upon logic and reason and conviction; and right now that is going to take some time to sort out. Your feelings are understandably all stirred about.
Respect:
Concerning W. The root problem is W has little, to no, respect for herself. She needs to sort out her stuff before she can extend respect, trust, and such to others.
Concerning you. Do you respect you? Do you respect the path you are taking or considering? That is the person’s respect you are truly after. Your’s.
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Your job fired you. Do you go back the next day? Do you call in and ask if they are sure? Do you go back again and again and make sure they know it's a mistake? Do you go and look at the new employee who's doing your old job and start pointing out all their mistakes? No you don't, you update your resume, make it look as attractive to a new employer as possible and you try to sell yourself to the potential new job.
Your wife fired you......act accordingly.
Last edited by JosephS; 07/24/2304:08 PM.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
Sorry you’re here Peter 😢 Going through a divorce is the worst thing in the world! We’re all here for you 👍
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I will have a talk with her during upcoming 2 weeks so I am planning to tell her either she stops the affair ASAP or she needs to move out immediately since I am not gonna tolerate her behaviour any longer.
Sorry to be blunt, but that ain’t going to work.
It’s easy when first learning this stuff to get healthy boundaries confused with manipulation. Threats never, EVER work.
I’ve only been around this site about four years, so I’m no Jedi-Master like SteveLW or DNJ or Ready2Change… but what I can tell you, is every situation I’ve seen where the LBS has decided to drop an ultimatum or threat or timeline - they’ve never ended up reconciling.
You have two distinct choices: 1. Drop you own bomb and walk away with your head held high 2. Follow DNJ’s advice, keep your head down and keep swallowing s**t sandwiches for as long as you can.
I’m definitely not advocating my advice over DNJ’s. He’s a super smart and experienced DBer and great all round human being.
I guess what I’m saying is you can’t choose somewhere in between those two solutions/try half of each. It’s either mouth shut, head down, bum up and just hang on - or lob your own hand grenade to start again.
One of the easiest ways to understand the difference between boundaries and manipulation is if you feel the need to tell someone your boundary, it’s manipulation. I don’t mean in the context of a healthy relationship … in that case it’s okay to say “Hey, my boundary on this is xyz”
But when it comes to post bomb-drop, as soon as you say “I’m going to tell them my boundary is …” then I know it’s an attempted pressure or intimidation.
Boundaries are by you - and for you. If your boundary is in two weeks you walk away, you don’t have to tell her. I’m pretty sure you’ve already made it clear you don’t agree with her banging another guy. She knows it’s not okay. All you’d be doing is saying “I’ve allowed you to cheat for 3 months, now I’m saying you can do it for 2 more weeks.”
If your boundary is TRULY two weeks, then do it. Go and see two or three lawyers in your area for a free consult and tell them what you’re planning and roughly what you’d want.
And with legal advice, in two weeks, move her stuff into storage, change the locks, and send her an email:
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Dear Wife,
You’ve made it clear you wish to cheat with another man.
My patience has run out. I now choose to accept your decision.
I have placed your things in storage at xxxx. I have paid for the first month. The access code is xxxx. I have changed the locks at the house and you will need to find temporary accomodation elsewhere.
The custody arrangements will be that I have the kids xxxx and you have them yyyy.
Beyond that, your thoughts on final custody arrangements and financial settlement can be negotiated with my lawyer, not me. My lawyer’s contact details are xxxx.
Best, PeterPan
If you’re not prepared to go all in like that ⬆️ then don’t bother giving her ultimatums, just keep your mouth shut and play the long game like DNJ suggested.
Boundaries are by you - and for you. If your boundary is in two weeks you walk away, you don’t have to tell her. I’m pretty sure you’ve already made it clear you don’t agree with her banging another guy. She knows it’s not okay. All you’d be doing is saying “I’ve allowed you to cheat for 3 months, now I’m saying you can do it for 2 more weeks.”
If your boundary is TRULY two weeks, then do it. Go and see two or three lawyers in your area for a free consult and tell them what you’re planning and roughly what you’d want.
And with legal advice, in two weeks, move her stuff into storage, change the locks, and send her an email:
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Dear Wife,
You’ve made it clear you wish to cheat with another man.
My patience has run out. I now choose to accept your decision.
I have placed your things in storage at xxxx. I have paid for the first month. The access code is xxxx. I have changed the locks at the house and you will need to find temporary accomodation elsewhere.
The custody arrangements will be that I have the kids xxxx and you have them yyyy.
Beyond that, your thoughts on final custody arrangements and financial settlement can be negotiated with my lawyer, not me. My lawyer’s contact details are xxxx.
Best, PeterPan
If you’re not prepared to go all in like that ⬆️ then don’t bother giving her ultimatums, just keep your mouth shut and play the long game like DNJ suggested.
Good luck!
You can edit your email as many times as you want before sending it.
My Spin:
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Dear Wife,
You’ve made it clear you no longer want to be married to me. I accept your decision.
I have placed your things in storage at xxxx. I have paid for the first month. The access code is xxxx. I have changed the locks at the house and you will need to find temporary accommodation elsewhere.
The custody arrangements will be that I have the kids xxxx and you have them yyyy.
Beyond that, your thoughts on final custody arrangements and financial settlement can be negotiated with my lawyer, not me. My lawyer’s contact details are xxxx.
Best, PeterPan
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I like your analogy. Obviously you are right. The problem is in my head. I need to sort out my ambivalence..It worked in my previous relationship (before marriage), but now it is really hard (10 yrs together, 2 kids, assets, financial security..)
No need to apologize. I totally understand. I am also on vacation for two weeks with limited Internet connection. We have been with my parents playing cute little happy family, now going to my in-law's pretending all is OK. Kind of bizzare. I am still weighting all my options but like Kind18 already mentioned aparently I have just 2 options left.. 3 days ago she was getting sms early in the morning and I knew it was from him. I was looking at her while she was replying and then calmly said her just these words - do not provoke me, my patience is gone. It had an immediate effect, she did not touch her cell phone since then at least not in my presence but I am not stupid, I know she is chatting when I am not around. Her behaviour towards me and kids rapidly improved when I compare March-May and how she behaves now. But do you happen to know statistically which approach is better in terms of future possible reconciliation? What is the success rate for your approach?
Last edited by DnJ; 07/29/2302:19 PM. Reason: Corrected typo.
I agree. But you know I have no power to controll nor forbid her affair. So either I put up with her behaviour or file for D if she does not do it first. The fact that I am a cuckold at the moment is terrible. It has to do with our mentality over here. Here usually men sort out affairs their way.. that means OM would be already beated up. And maybe also W.
