So I might be having a bit of a realization. As I have said some time ago W told me it’s been almost a year we’ve been separated and instead of being in limbo it’s time we tell more people (and in the conversation she had she explained the news is going to spread like wildfire because “we are kind of a big deal” around our shared circles in our town - I don’t really know what meant by that part).
With her out of the country now for a month and as I am starting to socialize with summertime community events more I anticipate being asked about her. (Eg this weekend will be getting together with extended family gatherings and attending concerts). I have been wondering what I say and feeling pressure to come up with a script.
But I am taking the pressure off myself this afternoon. I can keep my trusted circle of support as small as I want and that feels better to me. When others ask how or where she is I can be honest and reserved with my comfort level and keep loaded leading statements out of it.
Friends: “hey where’s W?”
“She’s on vacation.” “Taken a trip.”
Peripheral Friends or family : “ I heard W has moved out.” “So you’re separated.” Me : “ya, hey what’s new with you? What’s going on this summer?” Or “Ya she’s staying with her mom.” Really that’s enough said.
W has talked about how she has been avoiding this circle of our friends and has not even seen my dad because she has not been wanting to face these conversations.
Just now had a good connect with D and S in as they sitting together in our living room. I was doing something else in the next room. D said, “I miss mom. (Brother,) you miss mom?” S: “ya I’ve been seeing some selfies she’s been sending me from her trip.” D (working on craft): “Dad, you miss Mom?” Me: “yeah” (stopping what I’m doing and attending to how D is doing. She seems in thought)
Later on when S went outside.
D: “ you are really there for me and I just miss talking to mom about stuff too. “ Me: “ yes I could see that. She means a lot to you she’s your mom.”
After some silence Me: “ could you reach out to her to talk about stuff? Could you write some things down to talk to her about?” D: “ya thanks for talking about this Dad” Me: “anytime”
You have been here for about 9 months, not 9 days. You appear stuck. Not sure why DBing is not clicking with you.
How many new attractive behaviors are now part of your core being?
How many old unattractive behaviors are now now gone from your behavior?
Just ask yourself these questions. Don't tell us your answers.
Make two lists, one of attractive male behavior, the other unattractive male behavior. Again these are your private lists. Live life behaving like the attractive male.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
So I might be having a bit of a realization. As I have said some time ago W told me it’s been almost a year we’ve been separated and instead of being in limbo it’s time we tell more people (and in the conversation she had she explained the news is going to spread like wildfire because “we are kind of a big deal” around our shared circles in our town - I don’t really know what meant by that part).
With her out of the country now for a month and as I am starting to socialize with summertime community events more I anticipate being asked about her. (Eg this weekend will be getting together with extended family gatherings and attending concerts). I have been wondering what I say and feeling pressure to come up with a script.
But I am taking the pressure off myself this afternoon. I can keep my trusted circle of support as small as I want and that feels better to me. When others ask how or where she is I can be honest and reserved with my comfort level and keep loaded leading statements out of it.
Friends: “hey where’s W?”
“She’s on vacation.” “Taken a trip.”
Peripheral Friends or family : “ I heard W has moved out.” “So you’re separated.” Me : “ya, hey what’s new with you? What’s going on this summer?” Or “Ya she’s staying with her mom.” Really that’s enough said.
W has talked about how she has been avoiding this circle of our friends and has not even seen my dad because she has not been wanting to face these conversations.
Wow, that’s a hell of a lot of your life you’ve completely wasted thinking about what may or may not happen. Don’t you have better things to spend your time on?
This is why I pulled back from your threads, because you still are trying to convince yourself you are strong/detached/happy without her, when the reality is that you’re not yet one step along the journey to being detached.
R2C is right. You need to walk into a new therapists office and declare “My wife has left and is divorcing me, I’m completely broken and entirely dependent/attached to this relationship. I need long-term professional help to detach and move on.”
Until you do that, this ain’t going anywhere. You need to try something DIFFERENT.
So I might be having a bit of a realization. As I have said some time ago W told me it’s been almost a year we’ve been separated and instead of being in limbo it’s time we tell more people (and in the conversation she had she explained the news is going to spread like wildfire because “we are kind of a big deal” around our shared circles in our town - I don’t really know what meant by that part).
With her out of the country now for a month and as I am starting to socialize with summertime community events more I anticipate being asked about her. (Eg this weekend will be getting together with extended family gatherings and attending concerts). I have been wondering what I say and feeling pressure to come up with a script.
But I am taking the pressure off myself this afternoon. I can keep my trusted circle of support as small as I want and that feels better to me. When others ask how or where she is I can be honest and reserved with my comfort level and keep loaded leading statements out of it.
Friends: “hey where’s W?”
“She’s on vacation.” “Taken a trip.”
Peripheral Friends or family : “ I heard W has moved out.” “So you’re separated.” Me : “ya, hey what’s new with you? What’s going on this summer?” Or “Ya she’s staying with her mom.” Really that’s enough said.
W has talked about how she has been avoiding this circle of our friends and has not even seen my dad because she has not been wanting to face these conversations.
Just now had a good connect with D and S in as they sitting together in our living room. I was doing something else in the next room. D said, “I miss mom. (Brother,) you miss mom?” S: “ya I’ve been seeing some selfies she’s been sending me from her trip.” D (working on craft): “Dad, you miss Mom?” Me: “yeah” (stopping what I’m doing and attending to how D is doing. She seems in thought)
Later on when S went outside.
D: “ you are really there for ume and I just miss talking to mom about stuff too. “ Me: “ yes I could see that. She means a lot to you she’s your mom.”
After some silence Me: “ could you reach out to her to talk about stuff? Could you write some things down to talk to her about?” D: “ya thanks for talking about this Dad” Me: “anytime”
And this is a 24 and 26 year old having this conversation huh?
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
You need to walk into a new therapists office and declare “My wife has left and is divorcing me, I’m completely broken and entirely dependent/attached to this relationship. I need long-term professional help to detach and move on.”
Until you do that, this ain’t going anywhere. You need to try something DIFFERENT.
Wise words.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
That’s exactly where I’m at. Ready to try something different. I need to.
Keep focusing on me yes. Look after my home and family and get back to work successfully and healthy. Keep GAL.
Otherwise though something different to get better and to detach.
These statements contradicts themselves.
We don't have a choice but to take what you say at face value, but I...and I'm sure others, are having a really hard time with this.
Rock you staying the course has gotten you absolutely no where. Your kids are adults, and your daughter is closer to 30 than 20, but these conversations sound like they are coming from younger kids...and even than...I'm struggling to understand why people in their 20s are still stuck on their parents divorce a year later. You're obviously co-dependent on, well your wife and kids, and I'm wondering if your kids are co-dependent on you and your wife. Your kids are in the mid 20's sitting around the house a year later saying they miss mom. Why? Why do they miss mom? Why can't they talk to her, see her, visit her or do whatever they want when Mom's in town? Or is it Mom's gone for a month and that's the issue? Your divorce should have absolutely zero to do with them. They shouldn't be as stuck as your Rock, and in your own sadness that you continue to wallow in with the aww shucks attitude, your entire family is stuck. That's not being a lighthouse or rock. That's holding your kids back, and how you don't see that just shows how deep you are in your despair.
I hope you understand you NEED COUNCILING one way or another. That would be your something different to get detached. No need to tell us about dancing, or visiting friends, or conversations with the community that should have happened 8 months ago...move forward. Get you and your kids in therapy as soon as possible. Stop screwing around hoping as long as you stand still she'll eventually come back. Quite honestly, if your spouse was this horrible woman, she would have called the police on your for stalking. She would take advantage of you financially at every turn, and she would turn the kids against you.
None of this is happening, you know what she's doing, moving on. You know what you are doing, giving her every reason to never look back.
Sorry for the harshness, but as someone who does have full custody of minor children that were abused, it burns my *** to see you basically write out your adult kids are regressing, and you are flat out ignoring it by not addressing you or them.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
