Hi Terapin, I had a discussion with my W few weeks back and she told that she wants a divorce because we have a stand-off here. She knows I do not accept affair (even though she continues with it thinking I do not know about that), and she does not want to cut OM off. That's why she said divorce but she also said she does not have money to move out and get a flat for herself and apparently she is not going to live with OM yet. Funny thing is she does not want any money out of divorce, at least now. I told her that kids will stay at home.. that's why she is ambivalent (not towards me since she already made up her mind, but regarding moving out). Agree she is using my hospitality and enjoys all the benefits our family and I can provide..
Hi Terapin, I had a discussion with my W few weeks back and she told that she wants a divorce because we have a stand-off here. She knows I do not accept affair (even though she continues with it thinking I do not know about that), and she does not want to cut OM off. That's why she said divorce but she also said she does not have money to move out and get a flat for herself and apparently she is not going to live with OM yet. Funny thing is she does not want any money out of divorce, at least now. I told her that kids will stay at home.. that's why she is ambivalent (not towards me since she already made up her mind, but regarding moving out). Agree she is using my hospitality and enjoys all the benefits our family and I can provide..
Again, I'm going to say that there are MANY more experienced posters here that will likely have better advice. All I'm offering is an alternative to 'giving her time and space', 'don't push anything', etc.
The reason I respectively disagree with the usual 'wait and see' approach in this case is because your W is still actively particpating in a physical affair, and really isn't even trying to hide it.
Whether you want her back or want to move on without her, your first step is the same. You need to get your respect back. That trumps everything else at this point. You need her to respect you again (regardless of what happens), your kids need to see that you respect yourself, and you won't be able to move forward until get your self respect back. Sorry if that's harsh.
However you choose to get your respect back, find your self worth, etc is up to you. Most here will say to '180', 'GAL', etc. They're absolutely correct. But I think the quickest way for it to happen is to finally say 'enough of this [censored], I'm filing for D'. I"m sure you don't want that, and I understand. But it's moving that direction now regardless. And if you don't start standing up to her, she's going to rake you over the coals with custody, support, asset division, etc. So my unprofessional advice would be to put your foot down, tell her the party's over, file for D, and put her crap out on the curb. She can go live with OM. She can go live in a hotel. She can go live under a bridge. That's not your problem. But she cannot live in the marital home when she is actively dissolving the marriage with an affair. Just my two cents.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
I'm actually in compete agreement with Terapin. You have to have to have to get her to respect you again. Her actions show she has literally zero respect for you as a person let alone her husband.
I actually agree you filing may not be the worst option, but you have to mean it, and have to be willing to go through with it. It can not be used as a threat.
Also don't hold your breath with the money thing. It almost never lasts, and honestly, you very well maybe able to use this moment to get a better deal financially.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
I understand but how I can ensure she is not going to see him at work nor chat with him over viber? I cannot controll this. 2 months back I had a very strong discussion where I set up boundaries that she is not gonna see him in front of my eyes and thus far she respects it. She goes to work and back home and when she goes out to manage something in the town she is informing me where she is and when she comes back. We do not sleep together. I sleep with older daughter (6yo) in the kids room and she sleeps with younger one (4yo) thus I cannot controll her regarding chatting with OM. Even if she tell me she stops an affair I have no power to verify or controll her. But I am planning to fill in divorce papers and have a final talk with her asking her if the affair continues and if she confirms then I will tell her either she moves out of our flat or I file for divorce if she is not willing.. I still can cancel this divorce process. Here it takes months to be processed especially if kids are involved..
You're exactly right. You can't control what she does, especially at work. Don't even try.
You're also right that even if it's 100% guaranteed that she stops the affair, it's going to take years to build back trust. So again, regardless, this is going to be a long process.
It's good to have boundaries with her, but your boundary of 'just don't be with him around me' reeks of weakness. You basically gave her permission to continue the affair, as long as you don't witness it.
IMO, do not initiate any 'final talk' with her. The only thing you should say is 'W, I can no longer be married to someone that has blatantly disregarded me, our kids, and our marriage. I have filed for divorce, and I think it would be in everyone's best interest for you to leave the marital home'. You say nothing else. No ultimatums. Ultimatums are weak, especially if you don't follow through. You need her to believe that you have had enough and are done being disrespected. But the key here is, it has to be true. This isn't a secret ploy to get her to stay. You're done, finished, and moving on.
Again, there are two possible outcomes of this. She either agrees to divorce or she fights for another chance. Neither of these outcomes will likely happen immediately. So in the meantime, you do all the 180, GAL, etc as you continue to proceed with the D. Like you said, D is a long process. You can stop it at any time if you choose.
Remember, she has cheated. She's the one that's caused all of this. So if D does happen, you will never be in a better position to come out of the D unscathed as you are right now. If she does commit to the M, we can cross that bridge later on.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Apart from divorce option what kind of boundaries should I set? At the moment two personalities are fighting in my head.. one wants to kick her out and divorce her asap, the second one, the loving one wants her back and is able to wait for few more months.. Even if she says she ends this affair her feelings just does not disappear. But I am not there yet, so far it continues even in secret. Her current mindset is that she felt being taken for granted and was lacking attention from my side during last 1,5 year so she had right to cheat..wtf.. Also she said she wants a divorce but she did not tell it to her family yet. Do you think should I disclose it to my/her family what is going on? Or only after she/I file for D. The other thing is not sure if it is common by cheating W's, she is not looking into my eyes while talking to me (rarely she does) nor looking at my body when I go to the bathroom to take a shower (I go there in my boxer shorts).
There may be some wisdom in the 'boundaries' thread.
To me, boundaries are similar to ultimatums. If you aren't prepared to enforce them, you're going to appear even weaker. I'm honestly not sure what you can do at this point that would have an impact. Like, if she was always screaming at you about stuff, your boundary could be 'I'm ending this conversation because I refuse to be spoken to like this'.
They're always going to find ways to justify their behavior, mostly by blaming the spouse. Don't buy into it or take it personally. What are they going to say 'ya I'm a selfish skank that couldn't care less about my family'? Her not looking at you could be a sign of guilt on her part, or a sign of not respecting you. IMO it doesn't matter at this point.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
I understand but how I can ensure she is not going to see him at work nor chat with him over viber?
You can’t. You won’t. It’s impossible.
This is the NUMBER 1 THING I see newcomers to this site struggle with - the need to control. Mate, you’re a passenger on this ride and you can’t get off.
I know you think you’ve done the right thing by telling her you don’t want to see or hear about OM.
But what you’ve actually done, is given her a green light to continue her affair. You’ve said “you can keep sleeping with another guy, and as long as you hide it from me, I’ll allow it.”
I hate to tell you this, but your marriage is over. And you yourself put the final nail in the coffin when you allowed her to keep doing it once you found out.
Have some self respect. File for divorce, throw her stuff on the kerb. While you hang onto hope that you can nice her back and she might wake up, it will never happen.
This was also my number one mistake and I’m happy to admit it. The day I found she had been texting an ex saying “sorry I stuffed things up with you all those years ago”, I should have kicked her out and exposed it. I didn’t, and we bumbled along for another four years until eventual bomb day and acrimonious divorce.
Don’t you deserve someone who loves and respects you as much as you do them?
The day I found she had been texting an ex saying “sorry I stuffed things up with you all those years ago”, I should have kicked her out and exposed it.
20 years ago, one of my friends found out his wife was having sex with her boss. The first thing he did was go to her parents house, drank a beer with her dad and let him know what she was doing. After that, he changed the locks and told her he was done, she can go live with her boss. I believe both of those were good decisions on his part. The long one hesitates, the more the cheating spouse can spin a new story.
In your case, I recommend taking some time to weigh all of your options and make some decisions. But, do not wait too long. Read the boundary thread many times.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Yeah you are right...aparently I have given her a green light to cheat. But it seemed like she broke up with me just by telling me about this guy so she would cheat regardless of what I said. I have no power to check/verify if she really ended the affair or not. So it does not matter at the moment. What matters is that she is still "madly in love" with him, promising him eternal love and devotion thus I feel I must act somehow. Obviously she has zero respect towards me as a husband and a human being. I will have a talk with her during upcoming 2 weeks so I am planning to tell her either she stops the affair ASAP or she needs to move out immediately since I am not gonna tolerate her behaviour any longer. If she refuses, then I file for divorce. I do prefer she files for it but If she will be hesitant, I can do that. But I am also considering the other approach described by DnJ that is to give her space and let time to do the job. However I would like to know if somebody following the second approach ever reached the goal (W came back afer limerence wears off).
