So I might be having a bit of a realization. As I have said some time ago W told me it’s been almost a year we’ve been separated and instead of being in limbo it’s time we tell more people (and in the conversation she had she explained the news is going to spread like wildfire because “we are kind of a big deal” around our shared circles in our town - I don’t really know what meant by that part).
With her out of the country now for a month and as I am starting to socialize with summertime community events more I anticipate being asked about her. (Eg this weekend will be getting together with extended family gatherings and attending concerts). I have been wondering what I say and feeling pressure to come up with a script.
But I am taking the pressure off myself this afternoon. I can keep my trusted circle of support as small as I want and that feels better to me. When others ask how or where she is I can be honest and reserved with my comfort level and keep loaded leading statements out of it.
Friends: “hey where’s W?”
“She’s on vacation.” “Taken a trip.”
Peripheral Friends or family : “ I heard W has moved out.” “So you’re separated.” Me : “ya, hey what’s new with you? What’s going on this summer?” Or “Ya she’s staying with her mom.” Really that’s enough said.
W has talked about how she has been avoiding this circle of our friends and has not even seen my dad because she has not been wanting to face these conversations.
Wow, that’s a hell of a lot of your life you’ve completely wasted thinking about what may or may not happen. Don’t you have better things to spend your time on?
This is why I pulled back from your threads, because you still are trying to convince yourself you are strong/detached/happy without her, when the reality is that you’re not yet one step along the journey to being detached.
R2C is right. You need to walk into a new therapists office and declare “My wife has left and is divorcing me, I’m completely broken and entirely dependent/attached to this relationship. I need long-term professional help to detach and move on.”
Until you do that, this ain’t going anywhere. You need to try something DIFFERENT.
