A little less lost? Pt 3

[Pattnee5]

It’s been a bit of a crazy few days. I finally forgive myself for all my wrongdoings ( and boy did the tears flow during Ic when I made that statement). I’ve felt a lot lighter since then too. I re-read “detachment” and boy did those “letting go” statements hit home. I’ve taped them to my cupboard now and see them daily. I def had it wrong I thought letting go was not loving or caring and going all silent. I realise now it is ok to love and care and have hope but still let go. I know now he needs to choose to want this marriage and me, and not to be forced back. Honestly I was just being darn STUBBORN and trying to do it my way cycling between some DB and some grasping to nice H back. Maybe I ruined it maybe I didn’t( who really knows) I still think he was abducted by a MLC Alien and goodness knows when and even if he will return to earth.

I also realise I now need to make myself whole again. I am fun, social, an extrovert, bubbly, active, forever an optimist. I certainly have let that all slip the last 7 months since BD because I was so hyper focused on what I couldn’t control. I tell you, letting go certainly has been far easier the last few days than all the holding on I have been doing lately( boy I was white knuckle grasping)I am still being that lighthouse but now the fun loving lighthouse I once was. I don’t know why but since my “forgiving myself” stuff with the IC I feel like a huge weight was lifted. I know I’ll still cycle but my focus is me

Had some devastating news about S12 very dear childhood friend who is losing her battle with the dreaded Cancer this week. Reallly puts life into perspective when such a beautiful little life is slowly ending.
I’ve been far more relaxed crossing paths with H now, no pressure, no analysing every interaction, not really showing an interest really in trying to “get him back “ like I was trapped in that cycle. I don’t even try anymore haha maybe that’s the key. I haven’t brought up any more lawyer talk neither has he. Family tell me to instigate it and just get it all done and signed and move on. I am more of the idea that this is what he has chosen to proceed so he should be doing it instead of procrastinating. I guess I want him to be the one to live with this decision and any fallout and be the one who instigated it (may have to sell the house unfortunately).It’s just more financial separation stuff( we can’t D unless legally separated for 12 months where we live-the D word hasn’t come up even once yet)Messages are far and few between now during the day unless it’s something about the kids and I’ll certainly try and avoid next week when he’s on a business trip.

does my heart still hurt? Hell yes, I feel absolutely broken my heart absolutely shattered but the best person to piece me back together is me. Wish me luck❤️‍🩹