COVID Catastrophe

[Sunflyer]

Our counselor scolded us, telling us the only way we can heal our marriage is to stop bringing up the past--we've both been hurt by the other person FOR SURE--and start forgiving each other.

It's good that your counselor is forward-thinking. It seems that spending too much time on recounting the mess doesn't help solve the mess. Moving forward to solutions, not back to problems, is the way to go!

I mentioned hearing somewhere NOT forgiving someone is like swallowing poison and expecting the other person to die and also forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.

I agree with this 100%.

By the way, it seems we might be in the line of fire for the awful weather you've been experiencing. (I'm on the east coast). Insane downpours this morning, flood warnings popping up every few minutes, tornado watches, and possibly more later tonight.

[teteme55]

It's been a crazy few days. Right now, the roofers are tearing off the old roof (2 of 'em, which is why it's a tear off) and pounding like crazy. Sipping coffee and will do my daily Wordle (keeps me sane) after my post here. Fed R and B is making noises of getting up soon (it's 7:30am-ish).

I texted C Tuesday when the roofer told me we are scheduled for today so he could deposit the rest of the money for the balance we owe and he did. Kept it business-like and told him I'll be taking pictures but won't text any to him unless it's unusual or something's wrong. He thanked me. Before I remembered DB and 180, I had been texting pictures of his flowers that he so lovingly nurtured--our garden and yard are flower-filled--because I felt so bad he wasn't here to enjoy the beauty he created. He said I was bothering him. The last few days, the 6feet tall trumpet lilies (this is the first year they reached 6ft and he'd been waiting for this for the last few years) are blooming and--I started to take pix and then, I stopped. F**K him! Maybe the flower pix are a reminder of what he left and my reminding him of it ticks him off--trying to be nice and I get accused of stalking. I planted the cherry tomatoes he loves, oregano that he loves and geraniums in pots that he loves (I planted pink, he usually does red but F**K him). Tomatoes are ripening and we are eating them (they're delicious!), too bad, too sad he isn't here to enjoy.

Our 44th wedding anniversary is August 18. I have been dreading it. We had a huge party for our 25th and an Open House for our 40th---only 4 years ago--and the pictures are SO HAPPY! If you saw the 40th pix you would think we were SO DAMN HAPPY and we were. We've talked about doing a train tour of Scotland for our 45th and were looking forward to begin the planning soon. I am thinking about taking a short trip this year that weekend to LA and going to some concerts at the Hollywood Bowl BY MYSELF of course. I need to decide soon for the best fares but maybe that shouldn't be a concern--if he's living a vacation with his apartment etc., maybe I should just DO IT and F**K him and getting the best fares!

We have a lunch date this weekend, as per our couple's counselor, and I will give him his business insurance bill (comes here, always comes here, with the business insurance) and give him the THIRD speeding ticket he's gotten since he left. The last speeding ticket he's gotten before this was in 1996 (or so)and his speeding is another symptom of his craziness since he left. Will keep the date *light and bright* and will try not to be too snarky but, GEEZ LOUISE, it's getting harder after his nastiness/craziness!

I do believe he's MLC-ing. After reading a LOT here, some of what he's said to me lately has been taken right out of these posts! He joked in one of our early counseling sessions that he's *never* had a MLC, like he has a RIGHT to a MLC. Well, yeah, I guess that's a way to look at it!

That's all for now. Later, 'Gator!

[teteme55]

It is Friday afternoon. Son B and I finished cleaning up roofer debris this morning--they hauled away some of it but not all--and swept the patio. They came back before Noon to finish up the gutter guards as per C's wishes. The company owner should be here before dinner for his final payment.

The roofers damaged some plants and a tree. There is little to do about it and the plants should be fine, popping back up in a few days. The tree--a redbud--not so much. It breaks my heart because C nurtured it from a tiny seedling, protected it from the 17 year cicadas, trimmed and pruned and groomed it until it's a glorious BURST of pink/purple for a few weeks in the spring. My heart is hurting because when C picks me up tomorrow, I fear his reaction. He will be just plain infuriated OR he will be angry at ME for not stopping them OR he will be ambivalent--that's the one that I most fear, that he no longer cares. I didn't realize the full damage to the redbud until we were out there cleaning up. Sigh.

Tomorrow's lunch date also worries me. He's not the same man, which I guess is typical for MLCers, and I don't know how to behave. He has peppered his conversations with me with " I can't see myself with you next year" or "I no longer want to travel with you or go to concerts with you" and other hurtful things guaranteed to injure me--that's what happens when you've been married as long as we have, you know where the jugular is! I always imagined taking care of him as we got older and I have--he's had 4/5 surgeries for various health issues since 2013 including a malignant melanoma--and have cared for him after, picked up his meds, made sure he had whatever supplies for his convalescence--it was just expected. But now, in this limbo of his making, I no longer SEE MYSELF bringing him his pain meds after a hemorrhoid attack or insisting he wear loose sweatpants after hernia surgery or being his advocate (remember, I'm a surgeon's wife so I am not just a layperson) after a surgery. I'm tempted to shoot back, after one of his nasty remarks, that he can get someone else to help him urinate after surgery! Yeah, I won't, but it has crossed my mind.

Think good thoughts for me tomorrow. I look forward to seeing him but also dread it.

[Pattnee5]

I’m so sorry to hear this teteme. I know the feeling of wanting to see H but also dreading it too💔
I always give myself a bit of a pep talk now. “It’s not me” “im not to blame” “I am 100% me”
The mlc seem to be very broken in my eyes. While I haven’t been married as long as you (it was my 17th anniversary a few weeks ago) it hurts to hear those words. I too have gotten “ I can’t see myself sleeping next to you” “ I can’t see myself holidaying with you”. Honestly it $ucks. This one normal person who only 15 months ago had an amazing vacation with me and couldn’t stop saying how awesome it was, now flipping the narrative. I think it’s best we ignore this. I keep saying an alien stole my H. I’ve even renamed him to an alien name now 😂

I know the feeling of the anniversary. It was a super painful day for me. Worse still H completely avoided all contact which was expected then told me the next day he had seen a lawyer. Well there was a bullet if I ever felt one. Yep me too, the man I planned to grow old with, to nurture and care for in old age just magically gone into thin air.

My only advice is one day at a time. I am still very early in this journey too. I just keep telling myself to be the lighthouse and honestly I am trying to make myself whole again without him. There’s no need for us to be pulled into their giant bubbling melting pots of issues with them. I let myself be dragged in far too long and life is far too short and precious

[teteme55]

Something Good happened.

I texted C yesterday, updated him on the roof and asked him what time he will pick me up tomorrow. No word. I knew he was seeing patients today until 1pm. Texted this morning after B and and I cleaned up roof debris, letting him know the gutter guards were installed today and AGAIN asked what time. No word but that's okay, it's typical of him and drives me CRAZY because he expects me to wait--but not today, not any longer. I had a friend also ask me out for lunch tomorrow and instead of saying no, told her I was waiting for C to tell me what time he was picking me up.If I didn't hear from him by 6pm, she and I would go out for lunch. She is a VERY GOOD FRIEND and totally understood and agreed with my plan.

About 4ish, C texted, and asked if he could come around 10am so he could take my car in for emission testing, then swing by home to pick me up for our lunch. I agreed and called my friend back.

What makes this a Good Thing: this is my husband, this is HIM, not the JERK who is inhabiting his body--I like your Alien idea, Pattnee5!--it's the sweet, thoughtful man I married. It gives me a little hope that he's still in there, still alive but being overwhelmed by whatever has taken over his mind.

But the other Good Thing was I felt empowered by having a plan in the event he was, again, taking me for granted. I would not feel obligated to wait this time because I had something else to do. I am lucky my friend is so understanding--she's had her own issues with her late husband--and she supported me.

[Pattnee5]

What makes this a Good Thing: this is my husband, this is HIM, not the JERK who is inhabiting his body--I like your Alien idea, Pattnee5!--it's the sweet, thoughtful man I married. It gives me a little hope that he's still in there, still alive but being overwhelmed by whatever has taken over his mind.

But the other Good Thing was I felt empowered by having a plan in the event he was, again, taking me for granted. I would not feel obligated to wait this time because I had something else to do. I am lucky my friend is so understanding--she's had her own issues with her late husband--and she supported me.

I was like you so optimistic they are still buried deep within. However I have come to realise we can’t sit around and wait for these glimmers to break through because that feeling of “good” soon comes crashing back down when they spiral again.
I would have done exactly what you did a few months back( gosh probably even a few weeks) but now I have been in that situation a bit too often and the feeling is horrible. The excitement of “ oh my gosh maybe he’s changing back” only to be crushed.

My advice for you here would have been to go and make your plans with your friend after the first attemp. I wouldn’t even follow up with a second attempt. If H reached back out to you a few days later just says” sorry I made other plans”. It isn’t a good feeling being “on hold” for someone. It will drain you eventually. It drained me. It’s the whole GAL and 180. Turn the tables and make him chase you again instead of waiting around for him. I think the aliens need to suffer a bit considering what they put us through. Even though I know my H is still in there buried, I don’t want the glimmers anymore. I want him back whole or nothing at all. I deserve more I deserve better and so do you teteme. We shouldn’t be someone’s second thought

[Sunflyer]

I want him back whole or nothing at all. I deserve more I deserve better and so do you teteme. We shouldn’t be someone’s second thought

This right here. Every word is correct. There are a lot of good people on this forum who are going through hell because somehow, our spouses seem to have come to the conclusion that people like us just grow on trees. We are all flawed, of course, but that does not make us disposable.

Let them find that out.

[teteme55]

Our date yesterday was lovely, I mean, very lovely, but C said something that has me baffled.

He got here about 10:30 am and I showed him the damage to his redbud tree. He CLIMBED the tree--typical male, right?--and asked me to get a saw and the big shears from the garage. I had white leggings on and had to climb over his car to get to the shelf where the saw was and it took me a minute to figure out how to do it without getting those white leggings dirty. Then I hear him swear, grabbed the stuff he asked for and found him on the ground under the tree--he fell out of the tree on his butt. He swore he was okay, climbed back up and I handed him what he needed. He trimmed the broken branches and dropped them to the ground. He and B would bundled them and dragged them to the curb when we got back from lunch. Then he took my car for its emission test.

When he got back, we went to lunch. Nice place we haven't been to for a few years. We talked about a book I bought him I thought he'd like--doing research for the blog I write for my professional society for the fall--that I've been reading. Thought we could talk about it after he also read it. Talked about the roof repair and how it went. I mentioned I've also been doing research--when I can't sleep--about forgiveness. I mentioned that many high powered medical schools (Harvard, UCBerkley, Johns Hopkins, Mayo Clinic) all have done studies on forgiveness and the benefits of forgiveness. Then he said what baffles me: he's terrified of coming home, even stopping by. I said I didn't understand because our home was created with love, a collaboration between us of love and what we like and love and things that make us and our boys happy and he just looked at me with tears in his eyes. I changed the subject because I truly don't know what he meant. It was a pleasant conversation for the rest of the lunch and then we headed home.

C and B bundled up the branches and dragged them to the curb. He and B loaded his trunk with the newspapers to recycle that are just too heavy for me to deal with and he said they'd take them to the grade school paper recycling bin two blocks away. When they came back, I thanked him. Then he put his arms around me and kissed me, got into his car and left. In fact, he kissed me six times during the four hours we were together. I don't lean in, or in any way gesture I want to be kissed and he kisses me. I won't mention it to him because I WANT him to continue to kiss me when I see him.

He is wearing his wedding ring. He kisses me, more than a few times every time I see him. He very much did *husband chores* for me yesterday. I am so confused. B told me when they went to recycle the newspapers, his Dad said he's not ready yet to go to concerts with me. B thinks that's hopeful because it seemed like he wanted to but wasn't ready.

I am so, so, SO WORRIED about him. He was near tears and seemed so conflicted.

This evening, I learned the youngest son of our next-door neighbor died a month ago. That family has been through tragedy with a capital *T*. The Dad was shot in the upper spine 9 years ago, was a paraplegic then passed away two years ago. The mom died last September and now the youngest son, a boy with many health issues, died when his kidney transplant failed. The oldest brother is very successful but is grief-stricken because his whole family is GONE. B is devastated (he babysat the boy) and we cried for quite a while after we learned about the death from their cousin cleaning out the house. I texted G and C because we all LOVED our neighbors. G is worried about the surviving brother and C texted he is really shook up. I almost didn't text C because he doesn't want me texting him for anything but business and I'm working the 180. But this is a person we've known since he was three years old, watched him grow and admired his strength over adversity. I think I made the right choice.

[teteme55]

C and I had a couple's counseling session today. Both of us agreed it was a good one.

We are trying to focus on FORGIVENESS right now, what forgiveness means, what the benefits are from forgiving someone, and what it can mean for US in particular and our marriage. C stated, quite clearly, that ever since I told him about the rape/abuse, he doesn't look at me the same way, he no longer has romantic feelings for me and doesn't want to be with me. I asked if he thought I was damaged and he didn't exactly answer the question. I asked if he pitied me and he said yes, he pities me. I said I thought his PITY was polluting his feelings toward me and our counselor agrees. His pity for me is clouding his love for me and our family. How bizarre is that?

(During the last two years of C’s residency, I had been raped and sexual assaulted by my boss, a Presbyterian minister, but had been told by my In-Laws to never disturb, disrupt or bother C with any problem. I was expected to handle everything—from my rape to the robbery of our home and issues with our kids—by myself so he was able to focus on his training. I did handle everything and the rape—but not the sexual assault—came out in our counseling in Nashville. While C seemed “sorry” I went through that, he didn’t see how it concerned him, since he was “in love” with this other person. I never told him the full story and tried to deal with it by myself with all the ramifications that the rape and sexual assault left behind.)

He keeps bringing up things in the past. Today in the midst of him complaining, once again, that I had not gone to concerts with him like he expected me to, I apologized for my lack of understanding how much attending concerts together is important to him. I APOLOGIZED for letting my own rehearsals, responsibilities and appointments (and depression--there were some times, I didn't have the energy or desire to go because I was depressed, but he WILL NOT accept me being depressed in any way) come before what seems to be such an important thing for HIM. I asked for forgiveness. And he brushed it aside, saying I was suddenly trying to be the perfect wife. What I did in the past is what he believes me still to be NOW and he's not buying me *changing*. Our counselor wasn't having it---"look, she apologized and you are bringing up the PAST." And he still didn't get it.

Our counselor mentioned it must be exhausting for me to constantly have to PROVE to him I was raped/abused--he still says he knows something terrible happened to me but is not sure what it was--and that every time I have to prove it, it's like the abuse is happening again. I burst into tears because it's true but I didn't understand that's what is happening to me. He looked sad, like he didn't know that's what he was doing. Good.

[Pattnee5]

I too have been in this situation with my H tete. It’s so amusing the way they keep bringing up the past. Tete there will come a time where you will get so sick of apologising. As MWD article on forgiveness says, it’s the best gift we can give ourselves. Forgive yourself for your past mistakes. My H too did the same thing and refuses to forgive for the past and thinks it’s an act and everything will revert back. I learnt very quickly that this is just a tactic because they need something to hold over us to avoid their own issues and insecurities. I can’t provide you with the most amazing words as I am very early in on my own McL H but all I can say is you need to stop letting him drag you down into his mess and start taking your power back. Focus on you. Read DR and re read it and read forums and re read advice and then one day something just clicks and all of a sudden you realise you need to let things go and start loving you.