It is Friday afternoon. Son B and I finished cleaning up roofer debris this morning--they hauled away some of it but not all--and swept the patio. They came back before Noon to finish up the gutter guards as per C's wishes. The company owner should be here before dinner for his final payment.
The roofers damaged some plants and a tree. There is little to do about it and the plants should be fine, popping back up in a few days. The tree--a redbud--not so much. It breaks my heart because C nurtured it from a tiny seedling, protected it from the 17 year cicadas, trimmed and pruned and groomed it until it's a glorious BURST of pink/purple for a few weeks in the spring. My heart is hurting because when C picks me up tomorrow, I fear his reaction. He will be just plain infuriated OR he will be angry at ME for not stopping them OR he will be ambivalent--that's the one that I most fear, that he no longer cares. I didn't realize the full damage to the redbud until we were out there cleaning up. Sigh.
Tomorrow's lunch date also worries me. He's not the same man, which I guess is typical for MLCers, and I don't know how to behave. He has peppered his conversations with me with " I can't see myself with you next year" or "I no longer want to travel with you or go to concerts with you" and other hurtful things guaranteed to injure me--that's what happens when you've been married as long as we have, you know where the jugular is! I always imagined taking care of him as we got older and I have--he's had 4/5 surgeries for various health issues since 2013 including a malignant melanoma--and have cared for him after, picked up his meds, made sure he had whatever supplies for his convalescence--it was just expected. But now, in this limbo of his making, I no longer SEE MYSELF bringing him his pain meds after a hemorrhoid attack or insisting he wear loose sweatpants after hernia surgery or being his advocate (remember, I'm a surgeon's wife so I am not just a layperson) after a surgery. I'm tempted to shoot back, after one of his nasty remarks, that he can get someone else to help him urinate after surgery! Yeah, I won't, but it has crossed my mind.
Think good thoughts for me tomorrow. I look forward to seeing him but also dread it.
