Hi Terapin, I had a discussion with my W few weeks back and she told that she wants a divorce because we have a stand-off here. She knows I do not accept affair (even though she continues with it thinking I do not know about that), and she does not want to cut OM off. That's why she said divorce but she also said she does not have money to move out and get a flat for herself and apparently she is not going to live with OM yet. Funny thing is she does not want any money out of divorce, at least now. I told her that kids will stay at home.. that's why she is ambivalent (not towards me since she already made up her mind, but regarding moving out). Agree she is using my hospitality and enjoys all the benefits our family and I can provide..
Again, I'm going to say that there are MANY more experienced posters here that will likely have better advice. All I'm offering is an alternative to 'giving her time and space', 'don't push anything', etc.
The reason I respectively disagree with the usual 'wait and see' approach in this case is because your W is still actively particpating in a physical affair, and really isn't even trying to hide it.
Whether you want her back or want to move on without her, your first step is the same. You need to get your respect back. That trumps everything else at this point. You need her to respect you again (regardless of what happens), your kids need to see that you respect yourself, and you won't be able to move forward until get your self respect back. Sorry if that's harsh.
However you choose to get your respect back, find your self worth, etc is up to you. Most here will say to '180', 'GAL', etc. They're absolutely correct. But I think the quickest way for it to happen is to finally say 'enough of this [censored], I'm filing for D'. I"m sure you don't want that, and I understand. But it's moving that direction now regardless. And if you don't start standing up to her, she's going to rake you over the coals with custody, support, asset division, etc. So my unprofessional advice would be to put your foot down, tell her the party's over, file for D, and put her crap out on the curb. She can go live with OM. She can go live in a hotel. She can go live under a bridge. That's not your problem. But she cannot live in the marital home when she is actively dissolving the marriage with an affair. Just my two cents.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
